First post to this community.
I am a 2-mos newlywed and only discovered my husband's ADHD a few months before we got married. I had zero idea what adult ADHD was and meant. Zero idea. I can look back now and see why everything got SO bad right after we got engaged and he moved in. Yes, we had difficulties before that but I thought they were just communication problems.
He screaming/yelling/slamming doors/swearing anger flashes, unpredictability, and fixations reaches a point where I had to have him removed from the house. He immediately got help with his own therapist and is waiting for the date of his psychiatrist appt to discuss medication. We have a couples counseling session this week. He knows he has severe ADHD. But honestly, the mood swings and need to be the victim in every situation and the inability to move on from any past grievance coupled with living with someone who has to unravel every tiny thing and cannot pause has tapped me out. My home is a nightmare. There is no peace and no stability. I am missing work. And when I am there I am trying not to cry. He is reading books and taking steps, and I am trying not to parent or do too much. No matter how I try not to get sucked in, the symptom/response/response pattern is killing us. I have run out of energy for it and want to let it all go and just disconnect. How do you hold on and wait to see if the medication and therapy work? He is a wonderful man, but I don't recognize him anymore. I don't think I can wait even two more days. Help!
Absolute insanity
Submitted by M. on 08/16/2022.
Can you live apart for a bit?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey M. I'm sorry about what you're going through. Is there any way that one of you could move out (amicably) while he takes these steps? There is no reason he can't address the ADHD on his own and it doesn't mean you can't support him, just in a more manageable way. Your mental health is just as important as his and it seems like getting some more space to focus on your needs for peace and stability as well as your work could help. That way you won't be so directly impacted as he works on this and you can assess with a little more distance how well it's going. There is no quick fix for ADHD, which you describe as severe, and you sound like you're at the breaking point.
On a final note, please stay safe.
Thank you for your response.
Submitted by M. on
Thank you for your response. I did have him move out for a few weeks. It was very peaceful and it gave me time to take my life back. We will be living apart for another 3 weeks starting soon, and that will give even more time for both of us.
I was able to explain to him that while I understand that there is a "third party" in this relationship (the ADHD), I simply cannot live with the cycle never breaking and that living with these symptoms is proving to be way way way too much for my life if it stays as-is. It's nearly impossible to move forward when the short-term memory is either null or skewed, and the symptoms create so much drama and anguish. I am not yet learned enough on when not to respond and how not to respond. Working on that.
Fortunately, one of the tips in the book made a lot of sense to him (putting the past in a box, focusing on today's wins and positivity), and he is eager to employ that strategy. He has also decided that if he cannot find an in-person specialist by the end of this week he will make a video appt. He really struggles with video appointments. But he made that commitment to move the needle forward faster.
I am so afraid that I am in for a lifetime of anguish. Trying to find that extra patience that is required with ADHD to see if treatment makes a significant difference. I miss the person I met, and I still believe that we are who we were when we first met, at the core.
I've been with my husband for
Submitted by needingstrength on
I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have a kid, but I can relate to a lot of your post. Things started severely unraveling when we had a kid and "grown-up" responsibilities started piling on. He's had ADHD his whole life but just came to the revelation a little while ago after a massive blowup where we didn't speak for several days. After furiously researching I can also now look back and it explains EVERYTHING. Lots of his behaviors (scream, yell, intense anger, crazy slamming of doors, inability to take responsibility or apologize, blaming me for his faults, etc) are abusive.
First advice: If you don't have kids already, hold off until this is dealt with.
Right now we are in the waiting it out for the upcoming appointment, which unfortunately is not for a few months. However, here is what I've done in the meantime: I have read Melissa Orlov's book. I have realized that my husband has a disorder that must be treated. His brain does not function, think, or work in the same way as mine. Most importantly, I had a lightbulb moment that none of this is my fault. Every time he's screamed at me, had a meltdown, tantrum, freaked out at me.....now that I have knowledge I can look back and see that it is HIS behavior and HE owns this behavior, not me (though at the time I was certain it was my fault. LOTS of crying and emotional angst). I was not at fault and did not deserve to be blamed. It's a tough pill to swallow and I often think back on those times and get incredibly sad at all the ruined/wasted moments. Since the revelation of his ADHD, I've been doing my best to keep my head on straight and never respond to him with emotion and just with reason, and to continually remember that IT IS NOT ME. When I used to cry and beg for forgiveness, I just keep cool and respond level and with reason. I try to pay attention to everything that's being said so he can't make any ridiculous claims. This frustrates him but so far I've been able to disconnect myself from being responsible for his emotions and realize that it's not me, it's him.