I even forgot I had the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage until last night, when it caught my eye. I began looking at it this morning. Oh boy.... I will provide a VERY abbreviated story about my husband and me.
We married in September 1978. It didn't take long for me to realize (I actually saw signs prior to our wedding, but didn't know anything about ADHD or that it even existed.) that my marriage seemed much different than those of the other young married couples we became friends with those first few years. My husband Doug has had undiagnosed ADHD his entire life. We struggled through 27 years of marriage - with every betrayal possible, broken promises, lots I don't even know, and two wonderful kids. A few months after our youngest child graduated from high school, I filed for divorce. Our marriage was definitely "irretrievably broken". I don't even believe in divorce! But.... there was absolutely nothing left, beyond anger, disrespect, pain, and selfishness (through my eyes). I began seeing a counselor to help me through the reality of a "failed" marriage. Through that counseling, and my counselor asking me about my husband, she asked me if he had ever been diagnosed with ADHD as he sounded like a "classic case". I told her no and that even if that had been suggested, he would have scoffed at it - as he was ALWAYS just FINE!! It was me who had the issues! But... because he and I were still in touch somewhat (due to our kids and their lives), at one point, I casually told him that I was passing on some info to him. He could take it or leave it. I was done trying to "take care" of him and I truly wanted him to be happy and content in his own life - something he'd never been able to achieve. He always seemed unsettled and discontent. He had moved 5 hours across that state at that time. To my surprise, he went to a doctor and was actually diagnosed with ADHD and began taking medication! I found out later he had reached a low point in his life and realized all he had lost - his family.
I had NO INTENTION of reconciling ever, but I was happy he was seeking treatment for his condition. Over time, (a couple of years), it was obvious he had TRULY changed! He was consistently different! We began to correspond by email and on the phone. This new man was mind-blowing to me! He was the BEST version of the man I had fallen in love with decades earlier! Well... he won me over. I believe he was sincere in his desire to be a better husband and father and made promises to me about our future if I would consider getting remarried. A few years after we had divorced, our marriage and family were restored in February 2011! That was eleven and a half years ago. The first few years were wonderful. Trust was completely restored, we enjoyed one another's company so very much and my husband was content. Content with me, with our home, our lives and our future. But then...... things began to deteriorate a few years ago.
He began to resent taking his medication. He has a LOT Of self-pride and I believe he was being influenced by some of his "friends" who always were a bad influence on him - and our marriage. He stopped taking it off and on... and from there, things fell apart. A few months ago I discovered he has AGAIN been deceiving me and lying to me. He can NOT control his impulsivity when he is off his meds. He said the other day at a meeting with our pastor that he decided not to keep taking his ADHD meds ABOUT A YEAR AGO as they caused his blood pressure to go too high and he thought it would be best to take care of his blood pressure, "besides", he said, "the meds don't make that much of a difference in my life anyway". I about fell off the chair. He is being deceived AGAIN and I'm out of tolerance or patience or anything else needed to continue. It is heartbreaking but it is where we are today. I came upon the book by Melissa and after looking it over a little bit this morning (and feeling as if I was looking into a mirror), I decided to find the website. I'm exhausted, heartbroken, angry and even a bit fearful.
