My partner walked out on our 25 year marriage 4 weeks ago. He was diagnosed with ADHD in May after our adult sos diagnosis, and is still waiting to start the medication process. We have been having problems in our marriage for a while now and were trying to reconnect. More unsuccessfully than i realized. I now feel having found Melissa's book that I was so fixated on healing the disconnection that I was probably unintentionally pressuring him into doing things with me rather than give him the space he may have needed to heal. I was pushing for his help to get the work we still had to finish in the house after building works were done. So in essence pushed him to his limit. We have had a few sporadic basic whatsapp chats since he left but not had any verbal contact. He says he is scared of how I would have reacted if he had spoken to me. Which is a shame as I was never given the chance to prove him wrong and the opportunity for us to discuss things went by.
I found Melissa Orlovs book soon after he left and reading it has really opened my eyes to my behaviors, his symptoms and responses to my behaviors. I truly want to keep trying but feel he might not be willing at this moment if at all. I feel he has no idea of how it feels from the non adhd spouses side of the relationship and so can't move past the blame game. I have so many questions I don't know where to start.. Is it to late for us? Have others got this far and recovered? I understand so much more now and want to share it with him in the hope he has the same epiphany I had. Should I ask him to read the start of Melissa's book the ADHD effect on marriage in the hope of it opening his eyes too? When's a good time to do this? Any advice would and hope would be gratefully received. I'm currently hyper focusing on getting through to him, reading and listening to podcasts but worry I may push too hard and that I'm setting myself up for a massive fall when he just swipes my attempts to get us to counselling aside. All this and I have no idea when we'll be getting together. Hoping it will be within the next two weeks as he's back in the uk then. Ever hopeful
Hopeful...
Submitted by c ur self on
Some of the hardest things in the world in marriage relationships is things like full acceptance of each other...That mean's recognizing differences and respecting them...That mean's never attempting to think for one another...That mean's never making plans for one another w/o first securing their approval....One way we know if our love is real (not just needing them for other offerings, like finances, sex, security, comfort) is by our respect and acceptance of each others difference's...My wife and I was separated (she walked out, she is medicated add..) for 11 months....Probably the best thing that ever happened to us...Although I was embarrassed and hyper focused on getting us back together like you are now....That was four and a half years in, we are about to celebrate year 15...So it can be done....The book is an eye opener, the anger, the thinking the add behavior is intentional...
The most unfair thing about a Non, marrying a adhd minded person is the huge difference's that you face right out of the gate, especially after the hyper focus period wears off....We think people don't live that way, but, they do. lol...Only boundaries, acceptance, and grace will allow this type marriage to survive, and even thrive with both parties doing the work...Try to go on with your life, you will have to do that no matter what he decides...Pressure will only hurt the chances...The calmer you are the better it will be for him....(for both of you)...The book would be very good for him to read if he's up for it....
Blessings
c
Thankyou
Submitted by Hopeful135 on
So we are talking tomorrow on the phone - the first time since he left. I have put post it notes all around my desk to make sure I stay calm, be gentle and as understanding as I can. Hopefully he will have done some research into things too but if not I will just have to except that for the time being and hope that he will be willing to continue to talk or meet with me and that time will allow us to move forward a bit.
Other than not pressurising and moving on with my life, which is very hard but I am trying do you have advice. I assume that its good for me to understand more about his adhd. Just be careful when talking together that I listen to him rather than offer advice. Let him manage himself and me myself. Any suggestions would be appreciated x
No pressure, but also what you want is important
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Don't tell him what to do. Do spend a short amount of time telling him what you are doing (i.e. I'm reading this book, and it's an eye opener and gives me a sense that maybe there is hope for us)
Don't tell him how to feel. Instead, in a gentle and non-blaming way, tell him how you YOU feel and, perhaps, your 'ask'. As in "I am so sorry that we are in this situation. I miss you, but I have also decided that if you need space I will try my hardest to give it to you. I hope you won't mistake that for not caring. I love you a lot.
Keep reaching out and learning. For yourself, not for him.
Listen to what he has to say. Take notes, perhaps. Reflect on his point of view. Listen to his requests. Reiterate what you think he is saying to make sure you understand him. As in "so I think I hear you saying X. Did I get it?'
Refrain from airing your own concerns at the moment. You'll have time in the future to do that. I read something the other day that is relevant for you at this moment. "Imagine you are at the service window at a store. Someone comes in and says 'please fix my microwave.' They don't want you to respond with 'my toaster is broken, that needs fixing, too.' They just want their microwave fixed. Later, you can talk about the toaster."
Your partner is upset enough that he needs time and the option of asking you to fix his microwave...and ask your full attention. His leaving is his way of asking for that full attention, as well as keeping himself feeling safer. You may have much to add to the conversation...try not to do it now. If he asks for your issues, consider saying "I do have issues to talk with you about, but at the moment I'm most interested in hearing what you have to say. There are real issues here, and we have time to talk about them all. Let's stay focused on you for a bit."
a huge thankyou this is so very helpful
Submitted by Hopeful135 on
This is so helpful and exactly what I needed . Thank you so much.