My husband was diagnosed with ADD as a child. He was medicated for a while as a child but has not taken medication since he was about 11 years old. The reason I am posting this is because I need help. We have been married 6 years and I am beside myself trying to get him to engage in particiapting in homelife. My main concerns are:
a) Helping with chores around the house
b) Engaging with his two young boys
I work full time, take care of most, if not all, daily tasks related to raising two boys (1 years old and 4 years old), manage the finances and take care of most all household chores (he takes out the trash (most of the time) and walks the dog). I am completely and utterly exhausted. I am angry a lot of the time. We have had many many arguments about household chores and at this point I don't even ask him to help out anymore because he immediately gets defensive and it ends in an argument so I suck it upo and try to get through my day.
He is obsessed with college football and chat boards related to college football. I dread football season as his disengagement in household life gets much worse during this time.
I need help trying to resolve this. Will it always be like this? How do I get him to see that I am headed for a nervous breakdown? As it is my father is terminally ill which has added even more stress to what I am dealing with being married to someone with ADD. I need help! He is a caring father, provides for his family but is switched off when it comes to running a home and parenting.
Medication?
Submitted by jules on
Is there any reason why your husband doesn't take medication?
I so relate to your story. I've been married seven years, and for the last year I've been at my wit's end, and wondering how much more of this marriage I could take. We've tried so many things - courses of various kinds, therapy (solo and together). He was eventually diagnosed with ADD about 6 months ago, and has been taking medication since then. The meds have made a big difference - especially when the psychiatrist doubled his dose a few weeks ago. I am beginning to see glimmers of the husband I fell in love with, which is giving me so much hope. It's not all sunshine and roses, though, but I am feeling as though I LIKE him again (there were a lot of times in the past when I didn't like him at all). Just last night I asked him if he would help me clean up the kitchen, and he willingly agreed - it was amazing!
The meds have been a lifesaver - I don't think this kind of thing could have happened without them.
Meds
Submitted by Jeanine T on
I believe that he won't take them because there is nothing in it for him. He would feel that the only reason he is on meds is to make me happy. He is fine with himself the way he is. He believes I need to change in order to deal with his ADD better.
Does he think it's fair for you to do everything?
Submitted by Sueann on
What's wrong with taking meds to make you happy? It seems like a valid reason to me. He might find (like my husband did) that he does a better job at work and that people at work like him better. My husband has an extremely challenging job working with the mentally ill and he could never do it without meds.
Talk to him about all you do-cooking, cleaning, childcare, laundry, plus working. I don't think it's fair for you to do all of that, especially when you are dealing with a family crisis. Ask him why he thinks it's fair to you for him to get a free ride. Even if he has ADD he has to particiipate. It doesn't make him incapable of washing dishes or changing a diaper.
Would he consider marriage counseling? A neutral person might make him see how unfair what he's doing is. You might also say that you have to have help and if he won't help, he can pay for someone to do it. Lots of help out there if you can afford it. Take out meals, laundries that wash and fold you clothes, cleaning services, etc. could give you a break.
Danger bells
Submitted by jules on
Jeanine, danger bells started ringing the minute I read your post. I don't want to judge your husband when I know nothing about him, but his attitude about meds is incredibly selfish. In the beginning, my husband also believed that I should be doing more to deal better with his ADD, but he eventually realised that he had most of the work to do (with support from me, of course).
My opinion is that it is impossible for you to learn how to deal with his ADD if he is "happy with the way he is", and is not prepared to change. You will run yourself into the ground. You are worth more than that.
I really think he needs to get a professional opinion on the meds. Since my husband started taking them, he is a much happier person.Yes - I am benefitting tremendously, but he is also happier. He may have been living under the illusion that he was fine without them, but fortunately he was willing to try and it has made a huge difference to both of us.
If he is not prepared to try for the sake of your marriage, then it seems to me that your marriage is a case of too much giving from you, and too much taking from him. Like I said before, you deserve better than that.
Ditto
Submitted by notavictim on
Ditto on the meds. For the first three years or our marriage I was having exactly the same problem you where having with one difference. We had never heard of ADD and I didn't know what was wrong with him. Because he thought he was just like everyone else he blamed me for being too demanding even though I felt I was being more than reasonable, and it caused a lot of conflict but once he found out about ADD and started treatment everything has changed dramatically. There are still struggles but instead of struggling in a competition against each other we both fight the ADD on the same team. He has to take responsibility for his treatment though. He has to at least do that. His ADD is his problem not yours. You could live on your own and be just fine. He can't so he needs to give a little too. He needs to at least get proper treatment or he's like a drug addict who won't seek help.