Been with the ADHD man a year. During this time he's been settling a high conflict divorce, been to psych ward twice as not on correct meds.
Of course the relationship was amazing for long enough to hook me in but it's mostly been drama and pain and our living together is marred by the usual ADHD conflicts over mess, chores, rejection sensitivity and molehills becoming mountains within seconds. I have compassion fatigue and lost the capacity to deal with his regular black moods and outbursts. He's always asked me for a lot of help but recently tells me off for giving too much advice and 'parenting.'
He started reading Melissa's book after I read it, but said the parts on abuse were too traumatic because his former marriage was abusive. We had a session with a couples therapist and he (therapist) encouraged me that it was a safe space to discuss my anger and frustrations. He was mostly silent. Afterwards, my partner refused to speak to me for days. Unless I'm 100pc sunshine and roses he can't cope.
He has no friends, no close family (I am lucky to have both.) He eats badly and never exercises and can't sleep.
There's a lot of good in this man. He's intelligent, witty, musical and artistic and holds down a high paying job. He'll do any practical job I ask him to and is always fixing up my house. He doesn't take any drink or drugs and tries really hard to manage himself better.
What am I waiting for though? Will it ever get better and if so how? What should I do to protect myself? When he stonewalls me and retreats I'm really anxious and sad.
I relate to much of this
Submitted by M. on
So sorry you are going through this.
My experience seems to be somewhat similar. Have been with my adhd spouse for 2.5 years, and because so much was so great early on, and because when it's good it's great, and because he is such a wonderful person, I'm still here.
But I'm also not sure it will ever get better.
My spouse also has the same "black moods" and outbursts. Volatility at the smallest infractions. Molehills always turn into mountains. And if I'm not perfectly upbeat, he badgers me endlessly and for hours or days about whatever it was that I may have been silently trying to process.
We also have a therapist who is great, but I don't see any changes that stick.
My spouse also doesn't sleep well, doesn't eat well, and doesn't exercise despite knowing how critical it is for him to do so. Doesn't have many close friends.
I am holding out to see if meds help.
I'm not sure it will get better.
You said that he was not on correct meds. Is it corrected now? Is there willingness on his part to continue therapy and not bring it home afterwards? Do you even want to?
What are the things that put it beyond the point of no return for you? I'm not even sure I will make it to the meds appointment next month because the stealing of all stability and calmness is just too high a price to pay. What is too expensive a price for you to keep paying?
Love yourself.