I keep reading things like, it's not all the ADHD/ADD causing the problems in a marriage, which to a certain degree I get. I get that my anger can influence how things go in a relationship but at that same time I have never been this angry in my life before. Now I am not perfect, far from it but I have never had problems with someone like this in my whole life. I am typically easy going and friendly. Most of my relationships are good, except the one with my husband who has ADHD. He seems to be the only one to think I am this cold, mean, criticizing person. There is not one person that I know that feels this way about me, much less thinks this about me regularly. How can I over come this person that my husband thinks I am, if it is a skewed perception? How can you talk "reality" to someone who doesn't "see" "reality" for what it is? I can over look many things that come with ADHD. I have been doing nearly everything in our household since we moved together and it's not as if I expect it's going to change, magically or for good. I do however expect that my husband believe me when I tell him his perception of what I feel or think is wrong and not verbally abuse me and our kids because he knows that I feel a certain way- which by the way is almost always negative and makes me sound like the coldest meanest person in the world. How can ADHD/BP/OCD not be the problem in my relationship? How is it that I contribute to it by holding him responsible for his life? I get angry because there is little effort on his part while I keep it all together? I personally have spent many years in marriage therapy and the last person we saw actually said to him "what is the point if you don't follow through on any of our agreements" because we had been going for almost a year to no avail. I did my part and followed through on my end but he didn't. I was mad, shouldn't I be? I spent almost a year comprimising and making plans that only I followed- how typical, that I am the one doing all the "work" and my husband does nothing!? I can only do so much as one person. I as many others have tried to be understanding with our ADHD/ADD partners but where is our understanding? Why do our partners get to "blame" us for not being understanding to their disorder but yet we as their spouses dare not blame this disorder on the demise of a marriage/relationship? It sure seems like a double standard to me! I have been more than willing to work on things, including my expectations but the truth is that still allows for me to be treated like a servant/doormat. I am to not have too high of expectations but isn't it true that in marriage we all have expectations? I refuse to believe that I should just accept that my husband has ADHD and that he has no responsibilty in this. Unfortunately, my husband along with many other ADD/ADHD spouses doesn't "get" that they have a choice in how they deal with their disorder. This (I believe) is because again they don't "see" reality like most others. They cannot "see" the harm in their ways. I am asking him to "not be his self" is what he says to me much of the time. Really? I feel like I am not getting to be myself because I am someones doormat/servant. I deserve a loving partner who can ever think of me and our kids. I don't get to enjoy many aspects of life because of the problems my husband has. I dreamed of a partner to spend my life with. Someone to enjoy life and watch our kids grow up. Not someone who if he shows up to family/kids event at all, is usually late and cares nothing about the responsiblities he leaves for me. I can understand if you forget or are late but is there no remorse? Why get mad at me? I didn't create his ADHD! I am not the one responsible! No matter what disorder or addiction a person has, they have a choice in how they deal with it but for many it seems they give in to the idea that they can't help their disorder and that everyone else is the problem i.e. "too high expectations". I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can honestly say I have given up on the majority of my expectations and would be happy if my husband would just be nice (not rage on me), clean up after himself and not offer to do things he has no intention of doing. Part of a marriage is dealing with things you didn't necessarily expect but for me I would have never married my husband or anyone else who acts like this. My husband withheld alot of the things before we got married that he was experiencing and I did not see much of it until we were already living together. At that point in time, I was a stay at home mom and didn't mind doing all the house work but when he decided to quit his union carpentry job I was forced to work and am now in nursing school because it is clear that I cannot count on him to support us financially. I wouldn't have married this person and I feel tricked. I know logically this is not the case but emotionally this is how it feels. So I'm sorry if I feel that ADHD has been the downfall of my marriage but truthfully I have a very hard time seeing it any other way, am I crazy? Am I the only one to feel like this?
Isn't ADHD/ADD a major problem in a relationship?
Submitted by Asetamy on 06/15/2010.
i Feel Your Pain
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I too feel frustrated with the "it's not all ADHD." What that sometimes seems to mean is "It's not the ADHD at all!" Like you, I never was such an angry person. I certainly didn't yell like I do now. I was more often happy and easy going. Unlike you though, I have been told that I tend to be controlling. So I know that is a trait of mine that exacerbates the feeling of being criticized all the time in my wife. I am trying very hard not to nitpick, nag and criticize so often, and I think I am being better. Unlike you, my wife IS trying hard to be better, I am just not seeing the fruits of her labor, and I find that very frustrating.
Like you, I would be happy right now if my wife "would just be nice (not rage on me), clean up after herself and not offer to do things she has no intention of doing." Damn - I would be happy if she would just be nice, not rage on me, and not complain so much. That would be a big improvement! And I would appreciate it if she didn't belittle and berate me when I tell her how I feel. Like you - my spouse doesn't seem to believe me when I tell her how I feel when she does certain things. And I am struggling to find ways to express myself so that she does understand how I feel.
I have also tried to compare what she is going through to what I went through when I quit drinking. When I drank, I was doing things all the time that hurt those I love. I was forgetting things that happened, or that I said I would do, because I often had blackouts. I know these things I was doing were not me, but the alcohol. I was a totally different person when I was sober. My problem was that I had a disease, alcoholism. But the fact that my behaviors were a result of a disease didn't mean I wasn't responsible for them or for doing something about them. Which I did, when I quit drinking. But quitting drinking was not enough. I also had to go to AA. Every day at first. Several times a week for a long time.
And quitting drinking was very hard! My whole life had revolved around drinking. My whole self-concept revolved around being this fun party girl. I had no idea who I was as a sober person. I had no idea if my friends would still be my friends or if my family would understand - since they all had problems with alcohol also.
So I tell my wife I think I understand what she is going through, that I bet it is similar to what I went through when I came to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic - when I quit drinking, had to come to terms with all the hurt I had caused the people I loved, had to learn new ways of being, new habits, etc. But she seems to resent that comparison for some reason, and her response is always "It is nothing like that!"
So no, you are not crazy.
No, you aren't the only one to feel like that
Submitted by Sueann on
I've had a similar experiece to yours, the kind of "bait and switch" thing where you find yourself married to someone other than the person you dated.
My husband wanted to get married, I said I wasn't going to give up my alimony until he had a job with insurance. He got one, probably not a good fit for an ADD person, but he got one and had been there 6 months when we got married. He started hanging up on customers and got fired when we'd only been married 6 weeks. He had gotten his medical needs met when he got hired, and I was in the middle of diagnosis and treatment for a problem I won't go into. Five years into the marriage, I still have not had the surgery I should have had then.
Like you, I concluded I needed a career to support us both and went back to school, while still working full time. Does that mean he expects to do anything in the house? No!
Are your (and my) expectations unreasonable? No! I'd cut off my right arm to be married to the man I was dating. I just want that person back, but it wll never happen. He no longer exists. The hyperfocus has moved to his clients. They are a fascinating and ever-changing lot that are much more able to hold his interest than boring old handicapped me.
I think sometimes it isn't
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I think sometimes it isn't completely the ADD. A lot of the behaviours I read here or hear about from people married to ADD are not so much ADD as just a lousy spouse, laziness, abusive, free loader etc etc. The nonADD spouse has a hand in it as well of course, it takes two to tango. But what I am saying when I say it is not all ADD is that sometimes its not ADD causing the bad behaviour, its just bad behaviour.
I gotta be me!!!
Submitted by gobsmacked on
I can so relate to your frustration. I particularly identified with the "you are asking me not to be myself" defense. My boyfriend of 1.5 years just left me and moved out over just that. He's often said "I don't want to be a diagnosis," which I could absolutely relate to if his actions (and inactions) in our relationship didn't read like an ADHD checklist. Insanely ferocious rages over issues that I can't even comprehend? Check. Conviction that it's all my fault and I have the problem? Check. Low libido? Check. Irresponsibility, impulsiveness, lying, checking out for weeks, lack of hygiene, caring more about the homeless guy across the street than me? - oh, yeah...check.
After his latest blowup (over hurting his feelings during a game) - and 2 days of silent treatment on his part, I finally told him that I thought his ADHD was not under good control and that he really needed to do more than take his pills twice a day to make it better. His answer? "I can't be with you anymore if you can't let me be myself - this is who I am!" And...he's gone.
I'm so glad to have found this site - I could have gone for years slowly beginning to believe that I was the one with the problem, as I continued to cook, clean, and financially support him while he sat and played computer games all day. I really hope that he someday learns to take his ADHD seriously - but for now I am so glad to be out of the insanity.