Submitted by Sueann on 06/15/2010.
This is going to sound silly, after all the hot discussions we've had lately, but here goes...
How can an ADD person not remember to let the water out of the bathtub? I never find this out until I go to take my shower, and can't.
If I ask him, he'll say he did let it out, even though he clearly didn't. How can someone who is properly medicated be so far out in ADD Land that they don't know you are supposed to let the water out when you are done? It means it gets more soap scum, etc. and I have to clean it.
Not an earth shattering question, just wondering if someone can shed light on their thought processes (or lack of).
A valid question
Submitted by YYZ on
I have been on medication for a year and the number of "Forget to drain the bathtub" moments have dropped by an amazing amount. Even on meds, the ADD feelings/thoughts, and so on, are still there, but greatly reduced. I cannot speak for your husband, of course, but saying I did let out the water could be a well defined coping skill that is not easily un-learned. I still feel embarassed when I am suddenly confronted with something stupid that I have forgotten. I read somewhere out here that us ADDer's try do "fill-in" the gaps in memory with what we think/hope is the truth, to avoid another let down.
It took me a while to figure out the med dosage and timing. I also have an Exact pattern to my day, especially weekdays... If something interupts my schedule the odds increase for a forgetful moment. I don't know how much that helps, but hopefully it sheds a little light.
I think it is great that you are trying to learn about ADD and it's terrible effects on married life, so many make their judgments without a shred of evidence...
My Wife Also
Submitted by Hoping4More on
My wife also feels embarassed, or worse, when confronted with something "stupid" she has done or forgotten. It is not my intent to make her feels embarassed, yet I feel like there ARE some things I need to point out. What's the answer?
The Answer...
Submitted by YYZ on
If you are out here researching and trying to understand ADD, then you are on the right track.
If I forget to close the garage door at night, that needs to be pointed out, and I will be angry (with myself) and embarassed, but the better the Non-ADDer understands the condition, not to be an easy excuse, the better the "pointing out" will be for both.
I have learned to have an exact nightly shut-down proceedure to help with these issues, which lowers the frequency of the "Moments".
For me... Meds, MS Outlook and repetition, repetition and more repetition...
I Wish . . .
Submitted by Hoping4More on
i wish my wife would get that. She thinks my coming to this blog to better understand ADHD is putting too much emphasis and blame for our problems on ADHD. Sigh . . .
I know about the fill-in-the-blanks thing
Submitted by Sueann on
I'm sure that's why he says he's done something he has not done.
But what makes him forget to let the water out in the first place? Don't you learn that by the time you're 3?
He needs more RAM
Submitted by notavictim on
I don't know how much you understand about computers and how they work but your husband basically doesn't have enough RAM. It's a type of memory that in a computer allows you to work with many files at the same time. If you don't have enough RAM then the computer slows down and eventually locks up. Since people are not machines they don't lock up but they do omit things without realizing it. They can be really obvious things but they get omited just the same by the ADD brain without RAM.
On a computer the solution is easy. You add another stick of RAM and presto no problem. You can't do that with people. But back in the day there was another solution to the computer that was lacking RAM. It's called MACROs. A MACRO is a set of programing that learns to run without utilizing RAM. It allows the computer to look at a set of tasks as one thing instead of a series of 10. This you can do with people.
I started working out MACROs with my husband for all the things he does routinely. He has an ipod touch which he writes them down in and refers to it at the beginning and end of every task. For the bath though you might need to hang a laminated copy in the bathroom. Basically is a list of the standard operating procedures for every single thing that happen. So all he has to remember is check the macro, do what it says.
Everytime he messes something up and I can tell it was because he missed a step a new macro gets created for that thing. So all he ever has to remember is to check the macro. Eventually he memorizes the macro and it becomes auto pilot but only after hundreds of times doing it successfully and exactly the same way. Be careful though. Editing the macro once it's established is next to impossible. Make sure whatever you establish you are willing to live with pretty much forever.
Yes! These are known as 'procedures' in the workplace
Submitted by sapphyre on
If you work with more than one or two people, you will often see these things 'laminated' or in softcopy on the network, called 'procedures'.
For example, if you need to request a purchase, you may need to fill out a purchase order, get it approved, and send it to the supplier (lots more actual details in real life).
When a problem occurs, the procedure is reviewed and updated.
Great approach, notavictim!
Its a Brain Thing
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Its a brain thing. What can I say? There's no other real explanation. My brain makes me miss these things.
I don't leave water in the tub though my hubby does.
Last night while making dinner I put a bowl on the counter to grate cheese into and a cutting board beside it to slice bread. A few minutes later I found myself grating cheese onto the cutting board, the bowl sitting forgotten at my elbow. *sigh*
Working
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Working memory
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working_memory
You see an ADD person can hold half as many things in the working memory as nonADD people. So somethings gets lost.
When my hubby is getting out of the bath he has to hold many things in his working memory. Don't slip getting out, reach for towel, dry off, don't drip everywhere, wet towels go into the basket, unplug bath tub, soap goes in the soap thing, shave, comb hair. Thats more than the 3 to 6 things a ADD person can have in the working memory at at time.
I'm happy that he doesn't drip everywhere, puts the soap and wet towels where they belong, shaves and cleans up after shaving and everything else. If he forgets one or two things, like to pull the plug or leave the comb on the counter and not where it belongs I don't sweat it. Why get worked up over the bath plug? If I find it I just tell him to do it, in a way that doesn't make a big deal out if it, like very matter of fact, and then he does it.
It has made me late for work
Submitted by Sueann on
I work a different schedule from him, usually. I clean, etc. after he leaves and go to take my shower at the last minute. Maybe it sounds prissy, but I can't stand getting into someone else's cold bath water to take my shower. Plus, a wet tub is a greater fall hazard for me. Plus, it makes more of a bathtub ring, which he doesn't clean. Very hard for someone with surgical staples in her knee to clean a bathtub properly. And he can't seem to think far enough ahead to figure out he'll need a towel when he gets out, so he drips all over our hardwood floors while finding one. Even small things have consequences.
I know it's silly in the face of everything else, I was just hoping someone could explain why he does this.
My Solution...Stay one stap ahead.
Submitted by alex2355 on
I'm the non-adder. My husband makes me crazy. I read one of the post that described ADD people as "looking thru a paper towel holder" Not tunnel vision but kind of like only seeing what is in front of them and then it is gone. Not knowing when it might come back again or cross their path.
Since reading this, I have watched my husband. I'm amazed at what I see ......and what he misses.
Imagine your husband getting in the tub.....Needs water in the tub...puts in the plug....takes a bath...gets out... needs a towel....drys off....gets dressed...checks the clock...gotta get to work....out the door..(He probably forgot his keys but that is another chapter)
Sound about right.......................He never turned to see the plug thru the paper towel holder.
My solution......Take away the plug so he has to take a shower.
The problem is not developing the habit
Submitted by Sueann on
I think if he did it every day he'd get it right, like eating breakfast or taking his meds, but he does usually take a shower. So he doesn't have the habit of letting the plug out when he does take a bath.
Still irritating. I put up homemade signs to remind him of some things. Like "please put pills here" on the high shelf where we keep his meds so the cats don't knock them on the floor, or "please throw away trash" and listing where specific pieces of trash go (trash or recycleable). It looks silly to an outsider but it did help.
I can't figure out how to put something on the plug like "please take this out when you get out of the tub."
And yes, he'll probably forget his keys or his cell phone along the way. I have to call his cell for him to find it. He doesn't know the number. sigh....
Does he shut the bathroom door when he has a shower?
Submitted by sapphyre on
I forget things to. I find putting notes on doors that I have to open helps.
Try a sign on the bathroom door that says 'Remember to take the plug out.'
{ Hugs }
Great description Alex2355
Submitted by Connie D on
As a woman with ADD I really appreciate the way you describe looking through the paper towel roll and only seeing the next thing to do - while losing track of following through on what was just done - like letting the water out of the tub. When I am not on my medication I can look for the purse that is on my shoulder - the impulses to follow what I just remembered I needed to do come quickly one after another and leave behind a trail of unfinished actions (and a very messy house - which is so unorganized that my brain goes into overwhelm and the last thing in the world I want to do is touch even one thing and put it away - the chaos drives me away).
On medication (Strattera and Concerta) I can still procrastinate on some very important things, and the house is disorganized, but I don't feel so much at the mercy of my impulses. I know my personal boundaries and needs more also. I have that moment to remember to breath, bring myself into the present and reconnect with what I am doing.
He does it because he has a
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
He does it because he has a brain that makes him do (or not do) those things. There's really no explanation other than that. It probbaly is not enough but it is what it is.
I like the idea of taking away the plug. There are also plugs that cause a very slow drain so you get water long enough for a bath but it will eventually drain out. What if you tied a very colorful string to the plug to act as a reminder?
Our towels are stored right beside the bathtub as this is an ADD house. And the doors have been removed from the cupboard. With the ADD mind out of sight is not even in exsitance.
why he does this?
Submitted by callmesusan on
Umm. Because he has ADD? It's brain wiring. I'm bet he thinks he pulls the plug every time he takes a bath! If he is like my husband, he "always does...", the thing I am reminding him about for the 49th time. It's how they don't/do remember.
The ADD brain tricks you. It
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
The ADD brain tricks you. It makes you think you did something you didn't do and did not do something you did. If I had a dime for every time I was sure I forgot to turn a light off, went back to that room, and saw the darmed light was off ... *sigh*
Good point
Submitted by callmesusan on
Miss Behaven, You make a good point about appreciating all the other things that DO get done!
MY STORY
Submitted by jennn41 on
I met my husband online 4 years ago. We fall in love and still are crazy about each other. But we argue alot, because of small things, misunderstandings( he saysmy English is not good enough)...I suffered a lot, because I love him.Finally we decided for me to come here to get married and to live together in the US.We were together only 28 days when he visited me in my country.I notised he was very absent minded, forgeting or loosing his things.Once he mentioned:I was diagnosed with ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER , but i did not check on internet then.Now I'm here,married, we continue to argue and few days ago, after a big argument,staining the porch together, me not tolking to him, I went outside to check after him (to switch lights off, to turn oven off, fan off, lock the door, etc.) I found out his keys close to the utility room. I told him with a blaming tone :"You forgot ur keys ouside !".Then he sayd:" I was diagnosed for ADD, read about that on internet" and the same night they call him for work and I sat at the computer and read till midnight. Then I called him and I felt he did not expect me to call but he was happy i called.I found ur site and I printed more then 70 pages and was reading eagerly ur articles and what people sais and I was crying.FINALLY !!!!!i CAN HELP MY HUSBAND AND I CAN SAVE MY MARRIAGE !!!!!I' ve never known ALL MY PROBLEMS AND ARGUMENTS WERE BECAUSE the ADD thing.Now i'm trying to be more patient with his weard questions, or obvios questions, or "stupid " questions,strange behavior,forgeting things, first asking"Where is my wallet, my keys, my sun shades, etc. ?" and then trying to find them, etc.Many, many examples of ADD symptoms , but I did not know !!!!!Why I will fight, and try , and not give up on him- I love him, and I feeel his love too. He never abused me with his behavior or a bad word, or name calling, never !!!!He is THE MOST KIND, PURE, CLEAN, HARDWORKING MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN. HE IS THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE(being abused and spanked in my previous marriage) !!!!!THE MOST PRECIOUS TO ME!!!!HE PETITION FOR ME WITH THE USCIS TO COME TO BE WITH HIM.He makes me laugh and we do have fun together.He is so pure, like a little boy, so inosent - I did not know.He used to live by himself 30 years and he picked me !!!!Now I cook, do the dishes.the loundry, clean the house,take the trach can out, try to help to organize his desk( made a list when what bills we have to pay , and remind him), open his mail, to be easier for him to check it out,...I want to take part of his burden on my sholders to be easier for him - he was overwhelmed !!!Do not give up, you can marry and live and be happy with ADD partner!!!!He is a responsible and reliable man(bad habits and addiction - left in the past ). And like a lady said" Its so dificult to live with him, but I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM !!!!"Good luck ya'll.