I have a major issue developing where I have stopped an activity that has been my husband's interest for many years, and to which I have been expected to contribute, because it was just taking way too much money from our shared funds and I just didn't want to lose any more money at this stage of our lives - both nearly 60. My husband has always considered this "investment" will fund his retirement but is a high-risk, low return endeavour and very few people actually make money from it. This has been going on about 15 years and I've had enough as we have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars!
My husband is of the firm view that I have reneged on a commitment and that we have not seen the "investment" through to the end and that I have done this just to hurt him. I have more superannuation than he does (5x?) and our only other major asset is our family home and so he is convinced I have done this just to hurt him in retirement.
How do I make him realise that this is a not a wise, money-making activity and our money can be invested more responsibly? His ADHD brain gets stimulated by this activity but Blind Freddy can see it's a losing investment?
It is so frustrating. When I told him I wanted to have more of a say in how OUR money was spent, he said he didn't care and we needed to see this through. I think I should have a say in how my money is spent too - surely - after giving it a red hot go for 15 long years? It's not like I am pulling out after 5 minutes.
Wow, that honestly sounds
Submitted by Varden on
Wow, that honestly sounds like a hot mess and classic "you just CAN'T see it it my way" at the same time they won't pause to see it your way.
I'm not sure what this investment is, but after 15 years, and you investing substantially more than he has, I'd focus on ringing that point home. If you approach that with calm rational (and especially if you get support from a professional who voices the same opinion i.e. financial advisor or professional investor) and he STILL can't come to terms with it, there's really nothing you can do except accept him as he is and ignore him or just go along with what he's saying.
Counseling could help him hear from a 3rd party point of view how he is not giving you the space to express your concerns, yet fully expecting you to embody and support his at the same time. This kind of situation happens with me and my partner (I'm non-ADHD, she's heavy ADHD) very frequently, and while we haven't gotten counseling, it wasn't until I could get her to talk calmly and listen to me that she even realized how hypocritical she was being in moments like this.
Really it comes down to him not hearing himself. Patience will go a long way in this for your side of the growth process, but don't give so much you exaust yourself unless he's showing you that he's trying to change.