This afternoon, I picked up my ADHD Effect on Marriage book again and read a bit. It is always so hard to read this book because my ADD husband refuses to seek any form of treatment, but says "it's just his personality". I married him and so I just need to deal with who he is. Plain and simple. It's very defeating. And the truth is....I spend every spare moment of my life trying to escape reality. I can't sleep at night. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I am very very isolated and alone in this. And I have 2 young children. Recently I got a prescription for anti-depressants and I'm actually really looking forward to possibly feeling better. I don't look at all the fragments of my life very often. I can't. It's very, very hard. It feels like a black hole that has no way out. Not at all what I expected my life to be. The dynamics in our marriage have affected us both as well as close friendships. There are more medical issues that have affected our relationship as well, that cannot be shared openly either. My husband continues in old coping mechanisms he's used since childhood and they have not translated well into marriage and family. He is very reclusive and angry. It breaks my heart to see the continual struggle he lives in and how he does nothing to help himself. There is almost a self-destructiveness there that I don't understand. He is a sweet father and plays so well with his boys. I truly enjoy being with him and his playful nature. But so many other things are just....wonky....off kilter and chaotic. Honestly, I never dreamed I'd be in a place where I was taking a pill to feel better and survive in life. But here I am...unable to change the tornado I am linked to in marriage and desperate to find some footing. This has truly been the most difficult thing in my life outside of being a mother. There are so many wonderful things about my husband, but I don't know how to balance those with the craziness and lack of marital support.
Facing the Truth
Submitted by Where Have All ... on 02/16/2023.
I feel ya'
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
"But here I am...unable to change the tornado I am linked to in marriage and desperate to find some footing."
This phrase resonated with me so hard! My husband also has sooo many good qualities, but he is an incredibly difficult person to be married to and I am mostly exhausted all the time. He also refers to ADHD as part of his personality very frequently and it frustrates the heck out of me because I feel like that oversimplifies all the complications I get the privilege of dealing with. He is really trying to "see himself" and do better, and he's made a lot of progress in the last 6 months, but I feel like I've been struggling with depression for the last year. Could just be peri-menopause, but it has been rough on top of the day to day. I don't have the answers.
I wish there was some way to just detach ourselves mentally and emotionally from the chaos, but it is impossible when you're married to the person. I feel like we get to be dragged through the knothole with them over and over again. Even tho our spouses having ADHD is not their fault, none of us signed up for this for we married them if they were undiagnosed at the time and it didn't become apparent that there was a major problem until AFTER the honeymoon was over. Walking away is far too complicated for many of us and "Hang in there" sounds so trite, but it's all I've got at the moment. Just know you are NOT alone. There are many of us who know exactly how you feel!
I also felt like you for many
Submitted by Exhausting on
I also felt like you for many years. Then I found this forum and a lightbulb went on. "I am not alone!". What finally started to turn the tables for me - when I didn't think I could take any more crap - was when I realised that I cannot change what is happening and that I have provided a lot of support over the years, even though I am often told I am "not a wife" even though I know that just isn't the case. Their perception of life and where the world around them - and everyone in it - fits in can be very disproportionate to the truth. Try and emotionally distance yourself from the chaos .. it is hard but once you start you will feel stronger because you have taken control. My experience is that my husband hasn't really noticed that I am detached emotionally as he lives in his own little world where things make sense to him and doesn't step too far outside it as it's too much for his brain to cope with - "keep it simple" he often says. Start to prioritise yourself otherwise you will fall into that black hole and never be able to get out (like quicksand) and you don't want that for yourself. Tell yourself every day that you are a good person and that you must be on your best game for your children. Having ADHD is not their fault, but how the ADHD affects relationships is not your fault either. Take care and good luck.