My husband has ADD, takes multiple meds, sees a doctor twice a month ( for free.. Husband gave him stock in the company!)
He has been on meds for 10 years or so and seeing the therapist that long. I see NO big changes.
We have no money for me to go to a therapist.
Husband is self employed and always on the verge of making it big.
I'm waiting. He has done well in the past but not in the last 3 years, plus we lost everything when the market crashed two years ago.
We've been married 34 years and have two grown married children.
He won't do anything around the house..ever.
He used to take the dog for a morning walk.. all of 10 minutes.. but now has stopped that as I am not teaching school for the summer..so I can do it ( in his mind).
I AM FURIOUS.
I left two years ago for two months... all would be different when I got back so he said.
It isn't .. obviously.
We are both 63 . I am just the maid and mother.
I have so little respect for him anymore that I would leave again but I have no money and teaching isnt enough to support me.
I am TRYING to hang on til some more money comes in and I can go to a therapist on my own and then with him.
BUT.. I don't know that I can keep this up!
He will not talk with me about anything as he hears everything I say as critical and mean.
Perhaps I am asking too much?
HELP.. Please!
Hanging On Day by Day
Submitted by plantlover on
I don't really have an answer to your question. My husband won't do anything for his ADD and refuses to discuss it, except when using it as an excuse for something he's done or has forgotten. We've been married for 31 years and I'm totally worn out from the endless need to deal with his behaviors. I'm the maid and mom too. He thinks I'm terribly impatient and critical of him, and that's true. What he refuses to see is that his behavior makes it nearly impossible not to be that way. His behaviors have become much worse in the past 2 years, and I find it harder and harder to be patient with hiim. Almost everything he does around the house is done incompletely, leaving me something to finish up. I can ask him to do it, but it will take at least two requests because he gets busy and forgets to do it. If it's not in the front of his thoughts, it doesn't exist.
For the past two weeks, we've had extended family staying with us. Having more people around who have different needs and do things differently has shown me that I don't like having to work around other people's ways of doing things constantly. I don't leave work unfinished, because I know it will inconvenience me later. Other people, especially my husband, don't mind leaving stuff lying around unfinished because he knows he will "get to it later." That way of acting doesn't always work for the other people who have to work around your mess. I've realized that I need to have some parts of my life that go the way I want them to go, and not always be giving in to allow for my husband's behaviors. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish this, but it was empowering to realize that it's something I need.
I don't think you're asking too much. I think we're asked to do too much as spouses of those with ADD. There are too many things unbalancing the scales. If you're doing nothing but giving, then it's not a solid relationship. If you're acting as a parent, then you're not in a healthy marriage. I'm really getting tired of being told that I have to be patient with my husband's behaviors and denial. If he's unwilling to be responsible for his health, behaviors, and share in our marriage, then it's impossible for me to hold it all together by myself. I doubt this answers your questions, but there are many of us who are dealing with the same pressures you are.
Somewhat Hopeful???
Submitted by proverbial woman on
I wrote my first post yesterday. My husband read my post and an article, "ADD Husband Asks for Help Turning Marriage Around". It changed his attitude. Never has anything had such an impact on him than reading these articles and blogs. I want to report that I was at my wits end yesterday. I even thought about suicide b/c I felt trapped and today, I have some hope. He scheduled an appointment and even saw a doctor today. He was prescribed Stratera. Wives, out there, please tell me that meds help and make a difference b/c I just don't think I can bear another year like the last 29. Is it awful to say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH if the meds don't work. I have been a good wife and mother. I don't want to spend the rest of my years stressed, overworked and no time for enjoyment and fun b/c I'm always having to pick up after him. Please tell me meds help!!!
A proverbial woman
Medication can help, but it
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Medication can help, but it is not a cure and it is not a magic bullet. Medication can help you make changes that are needed but the will not make the changes for you.
It can take time to find the right med and the right dose. My hubby tried three meds and number of doses before we found the right mix.
Medication is not the only treatment for ADD is is just part of it. Diet, exercise, lifestyle changes and especialy therapy all also have to play a part.
There is reason for hope...
Submitted by YYZ on
I am an ADD Husband and I can say I still have work to do, who doesn't, but the Adderall was an immediate help 30 minutes after the first pill. It takes a little bit to figure out the right dosage, but I felt "Good", like removing a wet blanket off my brain. Colors were more defined, my anger eased, I felt as though I could read all the emotions on people's faces that I missed before. My impusivity, mostly electronics and cars, is much more restrained. I was not diagnosed until I was 43 years old, how did all the doctors miss this? This site has helped me to further understand what I was doing to my family and now I am a better dad and husband. Being a programmer, I was elated to find that there was an explanation for alot of the personality traits I posessed. I read about ADD all the time, as I want to continually expand my understanding of this misunderstood condition. I was always ashamed after each time I failed or disappointed people. My wife could easily have left me, but has thankfully chosen to stay. I am having to re-learn a bunch of behaivior response and coping mechanism. The cure does not end with the meds, but can begin with them.
I find it hard to believe all the posts about the ADDer's who don't want to accept it, or do anything about it. Maybe I am a problem solver and I ran with this acceptance. I want to be better. The ADD is still there, but under much better control.
Good luck and I wish you and your husband well...
can you go to the therapist with him?
Submitted by arwen on
It seems to me that your husband has worked with his therapist on his individual concerns long enough, and now the therapy focus needs to move to the marriage. Since you have no money for you to go to a therapist separately, why couldn't you go to some of his sessions and work with his therapist on the marital issues? Or, perhaps you could just go alone sometimes instead of him?
This would not only give you an opportunity to benefit from therapy you need, but it would also give the therapist a better picture of your husband's situation to work with, which will benefit your husband -- and consequently (hopefully) your marriage.
My suggestion would be for you to contact the therapist and ask whether either of these would be OK with the therapist, before you bring up the subject with your husband.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Good Idea BUT
Submitted by smilesalot on
I did go to the therapist with him once. The therapist said I needed to go immediately into a rehab facility for alcholism.
I had left home for two months to try and get my act together..failed to do it and came home. I have had problems with drinking in the past but take medication and have no problems now.
This therapist saw me ONCE and passed judgement .. I will not go back.
Great idea..sorry it wont work.
maybe he was just having a bad day
Submitted by arwen on
I can't help thinking of all the relationships I've heard of that worked out well but initially got off on the wrong foot.
I know I had the same kind of negative reaction to my son's initial therapist, who concluded after one visit that I was a control freak and that my son didn't have ADHD (ultimately found to be wrong on both counts). But we kept going because we felt that maybe we'd just gotten off to a bad start, and he deserved another chance or two -- he was considered a very good child counselor and our son certainly did need counseling. And he did improve over time (although I must confess that we ultimately changed counselors because our son didn't really feel he had a good rapport with this man).
I don't know how to say this tactfully -- tact is not my strong suit -- but I personally believe that if there's even a small chance that a therapy session with this individual could get my husband to see any of his problem behaviors in a clearer light, it would be worth putting my wounded pride on the back burner and giving it another try or two.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore