My husband's default excuse or argument is always that he "forgot."
It is always he couldn't do the dishes because he always forgets. He didn't do laundry because he forgot. He didn't call the school to let them know one of the kids was home sick because he forgot. he wasn't ready on time to go because he forgot.
Which... A. I could see being a struggle, sure, but if I bring up the fact there's not any additional ways he tries to actively remember anything it becomes a bigger argument. For example if I ask about leaving visual notes, setting an alarm, looking into medication... "He doesn't need extra reminders."
and B. This excuse is solely for me and the kids. He can remember all of his appointments and make it on time. He remembers to call and cancel or update things for himself. He remembers he's going to his friend's, what parts he needs to buy for a go cart needing fixed. Which makes me feel like it's more on purpose and/or maybe he just remembers what's important which is anything but his family.
And when we were dating his house was picked up. He cooked cleaned all of it just fine. So it feels a lot of the time like it's just he doesn't do anything he knows someone is there to catch the fall for and take care of.
im just to the point of hopeless.
You know they are excuses
Submitted by adhd32 on
Clearly he does need extra reminders based on his behavior. I'm sure he has his phone glued to his hand the majority of the day. I'm sure he knows how to set alarms too. He is choosing to not work at a solution to his forgetfulness and you are choosing to not have boundaries to avoid marital discord. Unless you hold him accountable he won't change. Not helping around the house? Hire someone to clean and let him pay for it.
This is me
Submitted by Mrs B on
Hello, I'm new here.... I read your post and thought "that sounds like me". But I am the ADHD partner, I am the one who is forgetting, making excuses, not doing things for the family.
Tell me, what would you want your husband to say? I would like a strategy for helping my husband to know that I really really want to do better
Strategies
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey Mrs. B! I would suggest implementing ADHD-friendly strategies that will show him vs. tell him you want to do better through actions. For example, starting some ADHD medication, using apps, setting alarms, posting a large family schedule, etc. so you can't forget things and seeing an ADHD coach who can keep you accountable for meeting your responsibilities (so your spouse doesn't have to feel like that's his role). Speaking for myself as the former non-ADHD partner, action meant everything because the promises or intentions... essentially the "words"... meant nothing to me anymore. I didn't need him to want to do better, I needed him to actually do better so I could stop overfunctioning and trust him when he promised to do something. I would also suggest not making excuses, but rather owning up when you miss something by apologizing and devising (and actually implementing) a way so that you'll be more successful next time.
Thank you
Submitted by Mrs B on
What a great response. Really wanted to thank you for taking the time. I'm definitely ready to take action. Praying my marriage can survive and thrive.
Hugs
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel like awareness and determination are two massive steps that you've already taken. Wishing you success and happiness.