Hello
Ive posted here before about my separation. Its been 5months and things are calm. However im now in the mindset of "was what happened really that bad - should i go back". This is because ive been in denial, and have PTSD i think. So my ADHD partner of 20years has done the following, that i have found or know about:
1. Sexually explicitly messaged another woman 11years ago, prior to proposing.
2. Messaged his ex girlfriend to clear the air prior to the wedding, stating "dont get me wrong, i do love her but i wish i settled down sooner". Intimating he wish he had settled with her. Is this how you read it? - 10years ago
3. Sept 2020 he threatened to leave me, we were not getting along at all . So i dont blame him.
4. He got fired for sexual harassment in dec 2020. Sending a pornagraphic image of a mans body parts to a woman, commenting on another womans "big boobs' and various other inappropriate comments, a racist joke and a homophobic joke. I helped during the HR process. Told him to resign and he ignored me. The following 1.5years to 2022, he showed no appreciation towards me for suppirting him and building him up again following him getting fired. No dates, weekends away, or general grovelling.
5. March 2021 he partially completed a dating profile. It was not and is not active. It has a radom picture, his name and fake DOB. He stated he couldnt remember setting this up.
6. I found chitchat message attempts to other woman dec 2021, june 2022. These were late at night and checking in on them. They did not reply.
7. He was a frequent pot user from 2005 to 2020. This has now stopped when he got fired, despite me asking him to stop for near 10years. My issue here is he says he stopped it for me. He didnt, he stopped due to getting fired. He smoked everynight from 2017 to 2020, therefore impacting our intimacy levels.
I separated in nov 2022. However all is now becoming real. My children are on a 50/50 custody split which i didnt want and think that is the reason i stayed so long. Am i mad to have left? Is any of this infidelity or cheating? My mind is so warped as i took on the ADHD narrative of its all a joke and no intent to hurt me. Thanks for your help as im drowning without my children.
Infidelity?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Whether it's infidelity, it definitely is poor judgment and demonstrates a self-centered side of your partner that is hurtful to you. You asked him to improve his situation and he refused. He was gaslighting you, reaching out to other women (and I ask why you believe that it's over, when it's been so consistent in the past - highly unlikely he has 'finally learned.' More likely he is on hiatus...or even still lying to you.)
At best he is impulsive, disrespectful of you, disrespectful of other women, and a hurtful partner to be with.
On the other side of things, you are hurting because your children are with this man 50% of the time and you miss them. Part of the question to ask yourself is what sort of role model do you wish to be for your children, and how are you handling your separations from them? Are you cordial with your husband and demonstrating dignity for their sake? Trying to throw him under the bus and triangulate them, putting them uncomfortably in the middle? Happy when you are with them, or sad? How are they doing? Are they getting the support that they need?
What you do say is that "everything is calm" at the moment, which is quite good given what a short time it has been. What you don't say is that you love this man.
Calm is GOOD for your children. Getting them the support they need to traverse separation and/or divorce is good for them. Going back with a man who disrespects you (and role modeling that behavior) in my mind, at least, is not so positive. You, of course, get to make up your mind and should do as you see fit. But I would argue that sacrificing yourself and getting back together might only result in their living in a house of dysfunction 100% of the time.
Regardless of how you proceed, I suggest you consider getting individual counseling to help you deal with the grief you feel, as well as consider joining a support group of some sort that can provide you with understanding and strength. There are a few spots in groups on this site that start in May that are one option, though you may prefer a local divorce/separation support group, instead.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Thank you!
Submitted by Elliej on
Melissa, my goodness i didnt expect a reply from you. Thank you.
Regardimg my children: im respectful about their father in front of them. I refuse to talk separation whilst they are around i never call him to them. Ive simply explained we are friends but no longer best friends. They are being tested for ADHD but broadly they are fine in school and enjoying time with each parent. Im in individual counselling and have been for 8months, but i have a continual circular argument of justification for the behaviour. This has clearly been my denial and coping mechanism for years. There has been blamshifting, interrupting, distraction and impulsive behaviour due to unmanaged ADHD. He got fired for sexual harassment, that, i just cannot believe. I just feel very broken.
The fantasy partner...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I recognize and empathize with the denial. I did the same thing in my marriage, as well. It might help to think of it as the 'fantasy partner' and the 'real partner.' The fantasy partner is the one who becomes a reformed person, loves you a lot, and you live happily ever after together...or at least happily enough. That one is based upon what you wanted in a relationship. The real partner is the one who repeatedly behaves in ways that don't fit with your ethical code, doesn't have a desire (or perhaps the courage) to improve his behavior, and who gets fired for sexual misconduct. There is real life evidence that your fantasy partner is not the person whom you married - You don't get fired for sexual misconduct unless you've done it. The company is too likely to get sued if they don't have a good case.
Perhaps you don't wish to face the fact that you've continued to live with a man who has had a history of making bad decisions around women. I know I wondered if that reflected poorly on me. (I didn't call it quits until after many times of discovering cheating.) And for a while I felt bad that I had put up with it for so long. But no longer! But we are all human, and life is complex. It's okay to make the decision to stay with someone until such time as you decide you no longer wish to do so. You made the best choices you could make in the past...and now, hopefully, will make the best choices you can make now.
It does sound as if your kids and your life are moving forward, and I'm glad you have the professional support that can help you through this. Lean into the past misjudgments you've made about your partner and be kind to yourself about your choices...and do take some time to reflect on your fantasy partner vs. your real partner. It's hard to let go of fantasy guy, but it really does help to look at the facts rather than the wishes.