Where to begin... I have been with my husband for 2.5 years, we married last year and our first baby is due next month. Last year I started thinking he might have ADHD but he wasn't open to hearing it then this year in Jan I brought it up again and something clicked for him. He read a book about it and looked at some videos and felt like his life was being described. Everything I read on my end feels like it was written for him/us too. No diagnosis yet but I would be shocked if it came out that he's not got ADHD.
I love my husband but all too often I feel worthless and hopeless. His outbursts and frustrations from feeling overwhelmed are always taken out on me (then as soon as someone calls he's happy and laughing... why don't I get that version of him anymore?) I feel resentful of one of his friends in particular who he's been hyper focused on since coming back from our wedding. Always talking about him and wanting to hang out with him and even when I'm not feeling well or stressed for pregnancy stuff, he'll choose this friend and just say 'he needed me'. I went from being the only person he wanted to spend time with when we first met, who he wanted to make sure was okay all the time (and it was such a change for me after some not great partners and so sweet and I remember thinking 'I've never had someone treat me like this before. I could get used to this, I would love a life with someone so caring'), to someone who feels uncared for and ho he never wants to spend time with.
I often feel like I was tricked into marrying him by his ADHD. The hyperfocusing he was doing on me made me feel incredible! And yes, we still had some issues but I was in this 100%.
I have days of hope but then things seem to go south again. We'll be having a normal conversation then suddenly he gets aggressive (with his tone/words).
Today is a day of hopelessness and thinking I'm going to have to give birth alone in a couple of weeks as it's so stressful being in a room with him and never quite knowing how he's going to react. I am so stressed for the future when baby is here too. For a quick run down of reasons:
- still not advanced in diagnosis and getting the help he needs (we're in France and it's not really a thing here - there is a huge lack of understanding and specialists. Everytime I talk to him about making an appointment with someone he gets angry and says I'm putting pressure on him...)
- everything is 'tomorrow' or 'I don't WANT to'. I'm so sick of explaining that sometimes in life there are things that we don't WANT to do, we just HAVE to. And everything's that's for 'tomorrow' is actually for 'never'. What will he be like when baby is here? If he can't even help out with cleaning and doing the dishes because he doesn't 'want' to, what will happen if he doesn't want to change the baby, or give her her dinner or whatever it is
- the excuses! it's always 'sorry, BUT' - and the main excuses are work and being tired. He quit his job after I told him I was pregnant (he changes every few years when he can't deal with it anymore) and set up his own solo company. Many days he doesn't even want to go to work or get back to clients and complains he's tired but does zero to help himself feel better (poor diet, no exercise...)
- he only sees problems, never solutions. And it's so tiring!!! So much negativity.
- he seems to magically think that he'll be a great dad. I wish this were going to be true. But I just don't see how that's possible with how he is now. He's financially irresponsible - I'm always having to bail him out and pay the majority (the word 'budget' is offensive to him). He is not good at organising (so I have to do everything whether it be presents for others for birthdays/Christmas, organising holidays, paperwork, getting everything ready for baby's arrival etc etc. He doesn't keep promises/is forgetful/changes opinions in one sentence. Is very focused on himself and what he wants. His emotions can be volatile - I don't want him to snap at our children ever for no reason! And he criticises a lot/says things in a way that put me down and I don't want our daughter to hear these things or think it's normal/acceptable.
I feel so burnt out sometimes and fear I'm not going to be able to be the mum I want to be if we don't get any specialist help - but no idea where to find it! And my husband just keeps procrastinating and says he's got too much to do and will do it later...
If anyone has got this far, and has some advice then I'm all ears! But please don't tell me to leave him. I'm 35.5 weeks pregnant, have no family of my own in this country (great friends though! But they all have their own families to look after), and I really really want/need this to work. One of the biggest things I have ever wanted to give any children of mine was a happy home with a mother a father (my dad died when I was 6 months, and my mum was emotionally neglectful and extremely selfish), so I want to at least try my hardest to make this work right now.
Any stories of hope out there of families with an ADHD parent and children? Everything I seem to come across is about unhappy children and divorce...
Thank you :)
I considered what I wrote and
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
I considered what I wrote and thought it was inappropriate for me, an ADHD spouse, to comment on what the non-ADHD spouse is experiencing. I was out of line and apologize.
Wow
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
What a great post.
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I agree.
Re-post
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Ms Honeybee13,
I posted earlier, maybe overthought it, and deleted it. I got an email regarding the post and thought again so I'd like to paraphrase what I wrote and maybe sharpen it.
First, I'm terribly sorry to hear what you are dealing with. It's isolating, frustrating, and frightening. I think it's normal for you to feel all those emotions, among others.
I'm the ADHD husband and what you wrote are things my wife has said to me as well. I'm also bi-polar and the two combined has caused my wife extreme frustration to the point she said she never would have married me if she knew I had a mental illness.
It took a very long time to get my bi-polar diagnosis for numerous reasons, mostly ignorance and the church we were involved in. I was also very scared of taking meds and being labeled. I've been told I was crazy, messy, immature, lazy, selfish, dumb, etc. I was sent to the "retard trailer" ( other kids label for the remedial math classroom) in elementary school. I failed out of college twice, failed out of grad school, lost jobs, had car wrecks, made ruinous financial decisions, struggled with both opioid and pornography addictions, lied, you know the drill. No woman dreams of a husband like that. So decades of shame, guilt, being embarrassed for just living , hallucinating, hearing things, and being suicidal finally got to much. I talked to a climbing buddy who said he was on meds and I called my doctor. I was diagnosed as bi-polar 1 and am on lithium. My wife had been asking me for about 6 years before that point to get help.
That was 3 years ago. It took me another 18 months to get help and I've been on lithium for 18 months and I'm still learning how to manage my symptoms. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. To not trust your brain is a hell that no one can understand unless they've dealt with it as well.
So about 3 months a go I starting thinking about ADHD because I was still a wreck and not seeing the needle move on my behavior. I called a psychologist who took my state insurance, got diagnosed and started working on ADHD. I got meds, Welbutrin, 6 weeks ago,
My depression has been helped with the Welbutrin and my focus as well. I'm not perfect but I'm working steadily on being a better man.
I can't speak for your husband but for me the guilt, shame, feelings of worthlessness all played into how I spoke to and treated my wife and daughters. I am absolutely, positively not making excuses for my behavior or his. Because I did not manage my symptoms I said and did things that were hurtful to my family. I was out of line and off the rails. What I am saying is that I did not want to act that way and needed something to help the chemicals in my brain. I could not see what I was doing until I had meds.
My point: yes there is hope. But your husband has to recognize he has a problem and own his shit. I'm going to say what helped me with the caveat that I'm still in process, certainly not a good role model or example.
1. Own your shit. Hands down this is first. Own that you have a problem and need help. Then shut up and listen. I've had to hear how I've hurt my wife, how the multiple broken promises to her have made my oldest daughter say she can't trust me any more. It is very hard to not defend myself or excuse myself. I don't always succeed. But listening is key and owning what you did.
2. Meds. I'm not going to push pills on folks but my life is way better for lithium and Welbutrin. He needs to talk to a doc that understands ADHD and co-morbidities.
3. Therapy/Counseling. This is important. Having a outside voice encourage you to change, help guide you to change, and exhort you when you do wrong is important. Couples counseling is helpful I hear but I have not direct experience as my wife will not go with me. Maybe your husband can Zoom a counselor?
4. Humility. I've done more apologizing recently than ever before. I've had to confront what I've done, own it, and then work to not repeat it. I'm learning how to do this authentically and am not there yet. He has to want to change for him and not to just please you or appease you. It's gotta come from his heart and soul because it will take everything he has.
My daughters and I have a better relationship now. My oldest and I have had more opportunities to connect and she has recently said she can trust me more. She's 19. My youngest is 14. I talk openly with them about my mental issues and they both will remind me about my meds and I've asked them to call me on my behavior if I slip into old patterns. There are days I really really hate that they have a dad who's mentally ill but all I can do is show up each morning and live authentically before them.
My marriage is rocky right now. I'm struggling to relate to my wife well and she has said she didn't sign up for this (ADHD and bi-polar) and that my behavior has ruined her life and stolen the girl's future. She said she hates mental illness and thinks I'm trying to excuse poor behavior on my mental problems. She is understandably angry, hurt, and frustrated. I'm working with a guy in my church on how to respond to those emotions.
I have massive amounts of work to do in repairing relationships and it's daunting and scary. I think if your husband can see that he has a problem now your life, your child's life and his life could be better. But he has to be the one to say I need help and then do the work. If he does that my experience has been that change is possible. It's hard and exhausting for you both but it's possible. The earlier he can do this the better.
I hope he can get help and that you can find support and help as well. You have needs, hopes, dreams, desires, for yourself and your baby. He needs to be there for you both and, generally speaking, he can be if he gets help and does the work.
My wife is a very very smart woman. She graduated with honors from college. She could have done anything with her life and instead she chose to marry a crazy guy. She could have done much better and regrets marrying me. She told me this. I don't blame her. I have a realistic view of myself and what I did before meds and help. If your husband can get help early and keep up the hard work I think ya'll's story could be different.
I hope your delivery is safe and as easy as possible and that the baby is healthy. I hope your husband realizes the treasure he has in you and the treasure you share in your baby and that he holds those treasures with a gentle hand and heart.
Very Insightful!
Submitted by Honeybee13 on
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond (I didn't catch your first post before you edited it but it doesn't matter) and I really appreciate having the perspective from the other side of the relationship.
There are definitely similarities between yourself and my husband in terms of your history - he stopped school at 15, had always felt stupid in class, addictions, wreckless driving, hallucinations too and setting his car on fire (marijuana addiction - made him paranoid and even got him hospitalised 3 times in a psych ward), the lies, being scared of more medications (he has been through many in the past due to his behaviour when smoking marijuana - but never diagnosed with anything and no hallucinations when not smoking but after 10 years of going through everything he's been through with psychiatrists and meds he's reluctant to say the least).
His current psychiatrist doesn't believe that ADHD is real - she says it's just 'fashionable' and won't help us or even talk about it and is trying to say that my husband is exerting behaviours that he actually isn't... It's all a bit messed up and ultimately she isn't helping the situation... So like you've said, finding the right person is key!
We had some sessions with a couple's therapist, but he was not very willing and if he doesn't want to talk about something (finding a solution for our finances for example) he doesn't, he'll just get frustrated and angry instead and attacks by throwing things back on me with illogical comparisons. I would love us to be able to keep going with the therapist but realise that it's not the right time. Even with a third neutral party helping translate (as I'll say one thing and he'll hear another), it doesn't seem to sink in and honestly his memory problems seem to make him forget very quickly too.
I wish I could do something more to help him, but as you said he needs to own his shit first and realise the impact of his behaviour and how and why he struggles with some areas of life. When I think about his past I feel so sad for what he had to go through and the fact that no one seemed to care, instead calling him lazy or just telling him to take medication to numb him and family and friends never seemed to care about how he felt nor were close enough to him to see how much he is struggling.
Quick side story: we found his old school workbooks the other day and in a book from when he was maybe 8 I guess there was a list of all the students in the class with a characteristic after their name (Lucy is clever, Michael is funny etc), next to my husband's name it was written 'out of service/broken down' (I'm translating here) and it was both hilarious and also painful to read. The teacher clearly saw he struggled with concentration and normal classroom activities, but to put down a child like that and have everyone in the class copy it down into their workbook is crazy!
Anyway, I feel like he often feels attacked, even if what I have said is just a very neutral statement with no emotions or even a hint of malice, he seems to hear things very differently and I imagine it's a result of what he's been told in his past (people putting him down) so his way of protecting himself seems to be to attack and criticise instead. This is at least my interpretation - though sometime I think I'm clutching at straws to come up with excuses for his behaviour - and it's behaviours like this that make me scared for my baby and make me feel worthless about myself if my own husband treats me like that.
I'm so happy to hear you're managed to get things on track and create a trusting relationship with your daughters despite some rockiness in the past and it must be helpful as well the fact that they're both at the age of being able to understand your situation better and ask questions and pull you up on things.
For us, my husband has days when he realises he needs help and others when he doesn't trust any medication or 'specialist'. This lack of consistency means that nothing is changing as he decides he will contact people 'tomorrow' but by the time tomorrow comes he's back to being angry about the system and not wanting to be labelled. And there is the perpectual cycle of him blaming everything on being tired and work, but the thing is, even when he doesn't work, nothing's better. He/we just need a get past this first stage and find someone who actually knows and understands ADHD to be able to advance. I'm holding out hope that meeting his daughter will be the catalyst that's needed - but I'm just trying to cling onto anything I can right now.
Thank you for the well wishes and all the best to you and your family too.
One more suggestion
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Ms Honeybee13,
Thanks for your response. It sounds like you and your husband have a similar dynamic to my wife and I.
I too have, and still do, a filter through which I hear my wife and innocuous comments come across as attacks which I then counter. For me it is rooted in shame and guilt from my past. My therapist and counselor are both helping me get past that. Maybe your husband has issues from the past that are influencing the present reactions? No excuse but maybe something to gently explore. I have to work extra hard on to dismantle my filter and sometimes ask my wife what exactly she meant. This frustrates her sometimes but the miscommunication or fights are getting less.
From what you wrote it sounds like your husband has quite a bit from the past to deal with. I don't know his story but im learning that the shit my dad went through in his family of origen ( verbal abuse, physical abuse, alcoholism) affect me. My dad never hit me but he dealt with my brother and I pretty harshly and strictly. I was scared of him for along time. Maybe you can gently explore something along those lines as well. I heard somewhere that "you repeat what you don't repair".
Sometimes exploring different areas will lead to insights into issues that are pressing. It did for me.
I too struggle with finances and this is the greatest single area of friction for my wife. I have such shame and guilt over financial failures that it's physically painful to discuss money or budgeting with her. I have to work through this and it's an area I hope we can discuss with a neutral third party.
My wife had to find a counselor to help her when I was at my worst. She needed the support and perspective of someone outside the relationship. Maybe you could find a therapist who is knowledgeable about ADHD and who could help you. Your own mental and emotional health is just as important as your husband's and if you need help don't hesitate to find it.
I've found the ADDitude website and magazine helpful. This website and Ms. Orlov's books are very helpful. The ADHD Girl YouTube channel has been a tremendous help for me.