Hey community, I really really need you all right now. I'm so angry typing this out because I'm about to explode.
What tips/actions do you all take when relentless shit piles up for the non-ADHD person to cope?? I feel surrounded by ADHD and it's not my own doing!!! And I'll admit it, I'm angry and frustrated and at the end of my rope. And the list is so long of what has upset me just TODAY (before 9:30am Dublin time) but I know this community understands. My biggest anger is directed as his lack of ability to just GET UP OUT OF THE BED. Just get up and put one foot in front of the other. I'm tired of celebrating the 'little wins' and having to throw a fucking parade and erect an idol for worship when he does one fucking task when I'm DROWNING over here (and have told him as such) and have to do ALLLLLLL the day in and day out, mundane bullshit that comes from this life.
I didn't chose to be married to someone with ADHD, this is something that came up, what do I do to work through these feelings I have that make me want to actually throw my hands up and throw him out of the house? We've been in this place before, I'm exhasted from all of it. I'm so tired of dealing with his unmanaged ADHD symptoms.
Before, when it's gotten like this, I have turned to podcasts, spending time on my own, trying to push it out my mind and deal with it (cry) later, I read things and try to educate myself but I am finding that my compassion is gone, my empathy has run out. I am just wondering what you all do when there isn't space for you to BE in your marriages? Like what are the practical, tactical things that you do to calm yourself down so it doesn't escalate? (I have read that great blog from Melissa about when the non-ADHDer can't cope, very helpful!)
Thanks
Coping
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Honestly, leaving was my only solution after 20 years of no improvement. It was leave or stay very ill and depleted compensating for another adult for the rest of my life. Despite all the challenges that come with being a single mom, it is the best decision (though by far the hardest) I have ever made for both my physical and mental health.
Before that though:
When I was with my husband, I sang in a choir, walked every day, joined a meditation group and threw myself into being an amazing mother. I highly recommend distracting hobbies as well, however, none of it could address the source of the issue: undermanaged ADHD symptoms that were wreaking havoc. Unless those are addressed, unfortunately you'll always just be bandaging the problem on your end with hobbies, distractions and coping mechanisms. But hopefully you'll find something that gives you some short term relief.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's not fun to try and drag another person through life who is supposed to be your equal partner and supporter.
coping strategies that were helpful
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Man oh man, thank you 1Melody1, I have re-read your message so many times. Thank you. It really helped me to see that a lot of your bullet points I have been doing, continue to do but you are so right. It comes down to undermanaged ADHD symptoms that just wreak havoc and are the underlining of horrible habits that have taken root in this. I hate it. I really hate it. I don't hate my husband but I have no compassion, no empathy left. Even the last few days, he's been in bed due to a headache and I just want to SHAKE him by the shoulders and be like 'your feelings lie to you, your depression lies to you, your symptoms of ADHD are controlling you'.
Would you believe it got so bad I took our son and took him on a trip in early April and it was an eye opener. I just had to get away from him and his suffocation and out of our house. When he's in the house and in this state - a toxic mix of depression, anxiety and undermanaged ADHD - it's just stifling. It makes me understand more for other women (and some men) in my shoes.
Thank you again, my mind is racing at the moment but I want to process this. I am currenty trying to find a therapist in Dublin, Ireland who can help support me and give me the space as the non-ADHDer in this to figure out next steps. I've been here before I have more tools and resources at my fingertips which I am grateful for.
Lots going on
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The 'not able to get out of bed' is about severe depression, not really about ADHD. Folks with ADHD may have a late out of bed inner clock, but it isn't about not ever being able to get out of bed...
I'm so glad you're here...
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
...and happy some of the strategies helped - even if you're already doing most/all of them! Yes, a therapist who understood was very helpful. She was able to make suggestions and help me explore what living my life with MY best interests and health in mind would like. She suggested getting friends and hobbies outside of the marriage, for instance, so that when/if I left, I would have a larger support circle. She recommended seeing a divorce lawyer just to see what roadblocks to custody I might have. I took her advice and that was very helpful for me. And she also just gave me a space to finally let it ALL out. Even if some close family could see a little bit of the strain, no one knew (or will ever know) how bad it really was, so just saying all the things out loud to someone was cathartic.
These aren't the strategies you asked for, but other things that helped me cope in the final years of the marriage were:
-getting a cleaning service every 2 weeks (this one probably made the biggest difference, seriously)
-separate bedrooms (anything he wouldn't pick up, I would throw in there, meaning only one room of the house was a nightmare instead of the whole thing and I could close the door!)
-hiring out for things he promised to do, but didn't, including landscaping tasks, repairs, etc. While he did get angry I "hired for something he could do," I was trading his anger for mine... I'd spent years being angry that I had to ask a dozen times for something that was still unlikely to happen! If he promised twice and didn't follow through, I just started hiring.
-I stopped helping with the daily lost items (keys, wallet, phone, glasses). He would rampage around the house daily for these, dragging me and our daughter into the emergency hunt. I simply stopped participating. He was angry, but I was less stressed. I'd even leave to go on a walk sometimes so I wouldn't have to bear the stress of the slamming of drawers and cupboards and yelling.
-I stopped doing everything I could reasonably do for him that he should/could do for himself (laundry, remembering appointments, etc). I let him feel the consequences of not having clean underwear or our dentist refusing to accept his bookings anymore. This did not change his ways, unfortunately, but it did give me less to feel responsible for.
-I stopped reacting to his moods (for the most part... sometimes he could still push my buttons with enough prodding!)
Again, all this only helped a little and didn't solve our core problems because he was unwilling to work on the ADHD. However, it did offer a little relief for me and made me feel stronger and in more control as well (e.g. I can stay calm or walk away no matter what he's saying or doing).
I hope you can find your way through this and I wish you every happiness!
Non Adhd partner also
Submitted by MehMomma229 on
I appreciate this thread of honesty as well as helpful tips. I do often get frustrated and don't feel supported enough as the nonADHD person for all that rest on my shoulders. I also often lack empathy and grace because those are rarely things I receive. I am not acknowledged, seen and barely heard. My husband is hyperfocused on his hobby and can get lost in that for hours but if I do a check in to get more than 5 minutes of his time I'm likely going to be ignored as his attention is redirected. I too didn't knowingly marry someone with ADHD and we have been together for 20 years and have 3 kids. I am currently in therapy and often throw myself into work or overachieving just to ve recognized by everyone but my husband. He had ebbs and flows to the effort he puts in his own treatment and I feel depletes often from being on this emotional Rollercoaster. When hes exercising, taking his vitamins in therapy and sleeping on a regimen life is great but it never lasts....I'm tired but I still love him. I would love to get away on a break but I know he wouldn't understand and it would make things worse
I've lost that empathy and compassion
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thanks MehMomma229..... you hit the nail on the head. I've totally lost any/all empathy or compassion that I may have had. I'm worried I'm getting into resentful/spiteful territory because I'll be the first one to say that I don't know HOW to communicate my needs when I have done so much work to figure out what my needs are. I get so upset - even yesterday when he wasn't 'feeling well' - because I'm like 'no shit sherlock, you eat shit, you don't work out, your body is crying out for you to just give it what it needs'. And through all of it, I also love him. But we know in this journey that there is more to it than that and love doesn't pay the bills on time and love doesn't sooth the hurt that I feel after being on my own every night while he's connected to a device for hte last 3 years before going to bed.
Reading these suggestions have been so helpful and the biggest next step is finding the right therapist with the safe space and then I'm also going to read the Boundary Boss and do some of the work there.
If I can tell you about my experience MehMomma229 about a break/trip.... I had a friend who had a free house in another county and I saw the opportunity and took it. And man, it was ROUGH in the lead up to the trip too. I decided to finally reach out and speak to a larger support network and I got a lot of support and knowledge from others who have been in the same situation and it was crazy to see it all played out in front of me. But the best advice I got was that when the opportunity arose, and I said that me and my son were going to take a break, to NOT BACK DOWN AND INVITE HIM, no matter how awful he made me feel or uncomfortable I felt, to keep my eyes on the prize and get that break.... and oh my god it was so tough but I'm so proud of myself. Everything a support counseller said would happen...did - specifically around my ADHD spouse trying to guilt me into staying, etc but I needed the break and I wasn't comfortable keeping my son at home with him. He needed the break too. He has witnessed this and our unhealthy dynamic and it hurts me so bad but he also is now seeing my husband take extremely small baby steps to get better. It's nowhere near where it needs to be bc I'm so angey and resentful but there are steps. But I do want you to know that there is support for you if you do take a break and you DESERVE a break. I am so happy we went on our 4 day excusion - me and my son - but it was rough in the lead up to it.
Much love to you MehMomma229. Thank you.
Sending you good vibes
Submitted by MehMomma229 on
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your post. It helps so much to not feel alone and to have someone understand without being feeling guilty. I rarely share my feelings or struggles because unless you have a spouse with ADHD people don't understand and will trivialize me trying to explain my experiences and needs. Us discoverying this diagnosis has explained alot but it also causes a bit of grief for me to feel like my needs will likely never be met or that attention that I fell in love with was just him hyperfocused. I'm definitely going to prioritize getting a weekend to myself.
Maybe....leave?
Submitted by Jinsai on
I've been where you are SO many times. Peace has only come very recently, as I got to a place (with the help of therapy and friends and work on myself) where I genuinely could see ending my marriage and both of us being okay. Better than okay--maybe better than we are now, as spouses to each other. I used to think that staying together was the prize. Then I thought, "Why? Why is being a desperately unhappy married person so much better than being happy and healthy and sane?" Seriously, this s*** in my marriage was going to drive me to an early grave.
Right now my ADHD husband is in a phase where he is taking more responsibility. And he has shown an amazing ability, over the years, to self-overcome and make things better between us. At the same time, he has no idea, not even the first clue, how bad it has gotten, how bad it has been for almost 10 years. After his many broken promises to take ownership of his ADHD and other stuff, I am waiting and seeing this time around. I think probably he's just not capable of caring enough to really follow through. But I guess we'll see.
In the meantime, I am hoping that I don't end up leaving him and then looking at many wasted years of my life when I didn't do the thing that very obviously needed doing. The problem is...I've been so exhausted, so distressed, so lacking in perspective and confidence. Even when they aren't abusive, I think we become a lot like abused spouses, from the incidental gaslighting and frustration and bewilderment. I dunno. It sounds really, really hard, and I'm sorry.
AMEN!!!!!!
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
I sometimes think the "here's how you cope if you're the non-ADHD partner" message is toxic positivity that is ultimately damaging for said person. I don't buy it.
It is toxic
Submitted by adhd32 on
It is toxic because the message is for the person who isn't creating problems to change to accommodate someone whose behavior is causing problems. The message is admonishing the non spouse to be more, do more, let more go, lower your standards, and be pleasant while your world is imploding. Kind of like a bandaid on a broken bone. Never dealing with the actual problem, just dealing with the end result of the untreated problem. At some point the non spouse has to draw a line in the sand and move on mentally whether or not they stay. Talking points about legal advice and preparing to exit are far more helpful than how to soften the topic so ADD spouse isn't upset by the fact that their untreated/undertreated behavior is killing the relationship one selfish act after another whether intentional or not.
Support tor the non-ADHD partner
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I want to write a book with you, adhd32. So accurate and so well put.
Amen!
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
Well said!
Melissa admits that banking on potential is a big mistake...
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
At one point, I downloaded her book but couldn't make it through , because I know how it all turned out for her. It's good that she admitted that it's a mistake to invest in the potential of who your spouse COULD or might be in the future. Instead, take a good hard look at the reality of who they are NOW... and decide if you can live with THAT. That's the reality, the future is a fantasy that never comes true for most. However, her admission that investing in potential is a mistake happened in a sentence or two, buried in a post about what shes learned. It ought to be a stand alone post, with a sticky note advising all to read!
While advising everyone about how to save their marriages, she was banking on the potential of her spouse and spreading that message as an "expert". I'll agree that it takes teamwork to make a relationship work, but come on, it's been way overdone to levels of insanity here. I feel for anyone taken in by the expert advise that feeds false hope.