Hi all, I really feel like I need to let some things out and try to get some perspective on what's happening.

My issues have brought my relationship to a crossroads. I have struggled with some issues for years, some are a carry over from my childhood and others seemed to be from more environmental factors, stresses at that current time, work, money issues, just 'life stuff'.

I have always had a temper of sorts, I would blow up on occasion at seemingly nothing which was always odd as I felt and seemed to my partner to be pretty chill most of the time. My mother did the same thing but on a more regular basis so after some discussions and some failed anger management classes my wife and I seemed to have this big 'ah ha!' moment where we looked more at my past and how I could be affected by it; this is when we looked into cptsd.

Fast forward to around 5 years ago and things weren't any different, I had tried to sort things using techniques I had learned for cptsd and anger issues but I seemed to keep sliding I to the same old issues, the same repetitive actions and routines and time would pass without me realising that I hadn't been doing as much as I should have.

My wife by this point was understandably upset, it had been years of this and it needed to change. I began to look at myself a lot more, to focus inward and really work on myself. Through doing this I feel I was able to connect to a part of myself I hadn't ever done before, I felt things that had been shut away for years and it slowly began to unravel. I muddled through as best I could, trying to tame these now unchecked feelings and my wife, again understandably, was suffering and I hated that. It drove a lot of the feelings about the situation inwards at myself and I began to really spiral into deep shame and self loathing.

After a joking conversation about me always tapping and being forgetful my wife joked that I should do an adhd test, so I did. This was the beginning of a huge realisation.
After doing the test and it pinging up telling me I was highly likely to have adhd I began to dive into researching it and wow, it was like I was reading about myself. It explained everything. Everything about myself and my actions that never fully made sense, that always just seemed like quirks, it was adhd.

That brings us to today. I have spoken to my GP about seeking a diagnosis and have been told that it could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to begin the process properly, I have filled out a form and now it's in their hands to refer me further. I have been looking into what therapy options are available to me but as I am currently out of work I am limited to what I can afford. We have savings but I have been worried about using those as they are our lifeline for food and housing costs.
I have struggled lately with the stress of the situation and several other things that have been going on and it has affected my ability to keep ontop of my easily fluctuating moods and emotions, I'm not excusing myself, I know I am fully accountable for my actions I just also know that external factors can make it harder.

When issues crop up my wife likes to talk about them right away, which I like as things can get resolved quickly, but today she has told me that she has had enough. A few things have happened today and I went into a shame spiral which completely overrode her feelings on what had happened. There have been lots of tears, lots of talks and she told me she wants to separate for a while. I feel broken, I know she has been through so much and I've really wanted to make it better for her. I knew this could happen but now we are here I just feel hopeless, she has told me that she thinks she doesn't even like me anymore and I just feel numb. I know I have a massive problem, i hate my broken brain, I hate that I have done this to her and to us and I want to fix myself so badly but I don't know if I can be 'fixed' to be who she needs me to be and that cuts deep and I feel lost.
I know I should have done more sooner but I didn't realise it was the adhd holding me back and making me not stick to things or to follow through on getting help.