Hi
This community has helped me in the past. Im unsure why im posting today but i just feel like i need to. Im currently separated from my husband. Its been 7/8months and im in limbo. All decisions about the marriage and the future are, in my opinion, being left to me.
The reasons for my separation are lengthy. Over the marriage (which wasnt all bad, there were great times) my husband sexually explicitly messaged another woman for weeks/months, messaged an ex saying about me "i do love her but i wish i had settled down sooner", he smoked pot for 15years, was fired for sexual harassment (sending a porn image to a female co-worker and lots of other stuff), used porn frequently, watched camera girls and partially completed a dating profile (not active). He also hasnt initiated intimacy for 1.5years making me lonely. Throughout the years he has:
1. constantly interrupted me when i speak,
2. blameshifted on minor things (such as i have moved his things, its my fault he is late as i didnt wake him, he smoked pot as i prefer this to alcohol, he changed all passwords so i cant view anything for me etc)
3. Told me im wrong almost daily in really subtle ways, without saying the words you are wrong (no actually its this, constantly has an opposing view, seeking other peoples opinions when ive given a view and then going with them, or simply ignored my view)
4. Downplayed all behaviour as a joke, no intent to hurt me, nothing happened in the real world
We seperated after he was diagnosed. I repeatedly said you havent registered with the doctor, you havent got an appointment, you havent started counselling, you havent gone on medicine. I dont feel i can do marriage counselling until he does the above - ive put loads of effort in and im not met halfway. Im in counselling individually and have been for a year. He said its overwhelming for him to do the above due to his ADHD. I have depression, anxiety due to his behaviour towards me and i still am trying. My friends have said everything that has happened is very abusive. I dont know how i got here.
My point is i feel he isnt trying to fight to save the marriage. He disagrees and said he has made himself available to talk whenever i want. But in 7months thats all he has done. Also in those talking moments, on 5occassions he has shown minimal empathy and used those moments to prove why he is right....however he said he was clarifying his point.
Have any of you experienced this during your separations? Just a total full stop, minimal effort, waiting for you to move things forward one way or another? How did you cope......when was it enough.
This wasnt the way i expected my life to go. Im in such deep grief at the loss of my family unit, and only seeing my kids 50%. Im so chronically lonely and wondering if making the marriage work is better than being alone. Ive not really seen any similar posts regarding betrayal or infidality on this site. Thank you
My ex said more than once
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex said more than once that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him. He expressed disappointment that I filed for divorce. He didn't do anything to try to save the marriage. I had suggested two relatively easy things for him to do and said I would hold off on filing for divorce if he did them. He didn't do them. I guess that I believe that the marriage might have been the best thing that ever happened to him but that "best thing" wasn't enough to motivate him to do anything differently to try to save it.
Does he live here?
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hi, PoisonIvy. I have come to the startling acceptance that my husband, like yours, has preferred the role of caretaker of another house and home other than ours and comes here to hide and sleep and smoke cigars. He doesn't go out to do things with me or go to church with me. I quit smoking tobacco and he still smokes. H drinks by himself every night and has "his shows" on tv and public radio that cannot be interrupted. He began a few years ago frequenting our next door neighbor couple who have some physical limitations. He said it was because the husband was his friend. He has gone over there 4 times a day and spends time talking with them each time. Over 2 hours every day in total. He takes their dog out and cleans up their yard. They give him beer "for payment". Half a year ago, the next door husband went to a group home. My husband still goes to their house 4 times a day and feeds the dog and cleans up her yard. He still gets beer from her - She has someone clean her house and get groceries. He talks to me with one word answers to my questions. We now do NOTHING together. He prefers to talk to her. I need community and conversation He sits in his hoarding garage amid grease and grime and spiders. He is my neighbor's home and dog caretaker. I'm just sharing this to call attention to the fact that I didn't realize this was happening...for years. I was making things OK in my head and not seeing it for what it is. It is emotional abandonment. In order for us to have anything together, I must be a loving and forgiving "mother" to his "naughty little boy personae". Today is 4th of July. I am not going to sit in the house alone and wondering where he is or trying to make something out of the day with him. I am going to go to a parade and drink coffee and be among people. He will be at her house picking up dog poop.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by Jinsai on
This breaks my heart. I am so sorry that your husband has put you through this kind of pain. Mine has put me through a lot too, though not at this level in recent years. I have spent so much time and energy in internal conflict about whether I am accepting a s*** ton of unacceptable stuff in this marriage. It is my first and only relationship (we got together when I was in my late 40s), so I have nothing to compare it to.
But anyway, I hear you, and it sucks, and I send you a big hug.
Im sorry too
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi
Thank you. Im still in denial at what he has done. I explained everything away until i just couldnt anymore. I started to tell close friends who explained how bad the behaviour is.
Perhaps you could try that? Xx
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thanks for replying. I hope im not prying but what were the two things and reason for the divorce?
My husband has stated he categorically doesnt want to divorce and he has fought very hard. When i ask what he has done to fight he says suggested marriage counselling (but he hasnt initiated individual counselling. Im convinced he wants me to hold his hand in couples therapy), and talked for months about our issues.
My ex started withdrawing
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex started withdrawing from me, our children, and family responsibilities in the mid 2000s, when our children were becoming teenagers. Ex had problems with finding and keeping jobs; he went through longs periods of unemployment. He eventually because his parents' caregiver. I strongly requested that he be paid if this was going to be his job. His father did pay him, but grudgingly and in cash, "to keep it under the table." This was a full-time job, 150 miles from our family home.
I possibly could have accepted staying married if our finances had been transparent and my ex had occasionally prioritized me and our children and our home. My two "maybe I won't file for divorce if you do these things" asks were the following: get paid by check instead of in cash so that the job and financial arrangements were legal; and come to our family home once per month. He didn't do either of these things. I filed for divorce.
Wow
Submitted by Elliej on
Two really easy things for him to do. How did you feel filing for divorce? How long did you give him to rectify the situation?
Did you feel at all guilty or distressed?
We were married for 31 years.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
We were married for 31 years. There were some unsettling behaviors early in our relationship, but I chose to minimize or ignore them. That might have been unwise. However, being a mother has been the best thing in my life, and I would not have had my children if I had not been married to their father. I try to not dwell on my mistakes but I also acknowledge that I was aware of problems for a long time.
Like Melody, I both had practice living as a single person (because of ex's abandonment of relationship duties, toward me, our children, and our home) and prepared for being divorced. I focused on getting more hours at my jobs, I separated my finances to the extent I could, I forced myself to not expect things from my husband, and I anticipated the effects of me being single on our children. I waited until they were out of college; both received financial aid, and it would have been very hard for them to do so if we had been divorced at the time because it is likely my ex would not have provided his tax returns for the FA applications.
I still feel guilty sometimes. My ex continues to flounder. But I don't regret being divorced.
He is not doing anything
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel like "making himself available to talk" is the equivalent of doing absolutely nothing, especially when you have been so specific about what you need from him. My ex husband did the same, much like PoisonIvy has shared.
I have been where you are, terrified to lose my daughter to his partial custody. Not only would I not see her, he was incapable of feeding her, getting her to school on time, remembering to turn the stove off and lock the doors, etc. etc. It was a terrifying prospect. In the end, ADHD inertia kicked in and my ex didn't bother to ask about custody. I have my daughter 100% of the time and he visits her once a week or so. It has been the best arrangement for all as his ADHD stressed her out as much as it did me when we were a family unit. She needed out as much as I did. They fought all the time (because of him, not her), he didn't keep his promises to her and he refused to love her and show interest in her as a person the way she needed him to. It has been just the two of us for 2.5 years now and she is so much happier now (it's night and day). I am a much better parent as a single too because I'm out of a dysfunctional situation that was killing me. He is happy as well because he can do whatever he likes responsibility-free, which is what he wanted to do in the marriage anyway. Just wondering if this arrangement, which has a been a best-case scenario for me could also happen for you. (I understand that a lot of kids benefit from living with both separated parents and just because my ex was a rotten parent that does not mean your husband is. :) Just throwing it out there.)
Just my opinion, but I think he is showing you how much effort he is willing to put into change: zero. I completely understand if you need to go back to be with your children because the fear of shared custody is what kept me in my marriage for so long too. To be honest, if you do go back, I think you can't expect anything to be different from before because he hasn't addressed anything. What kept me in as long as I stayed (until my daughter was 13) was thinking of myself is "single" within the marriage. I stopped making any decisions that required him and operated as a single mother. I got new hobbies and friends and focused on myself and child. This was a survival mechanism, however. Not a fulfilling marriage. It "worked," to get me through but I still paid the price in years of my life wasted and in my deteriorating emotional and physical health.
I feel you are exactly where I was. There were no "good" options and that was hard to come to terms with.
Thank you 1melody1
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi 1melody1
Thanks for replying. I think you have replied to some of my previous posts and really helped me.
You are correct, im terrified. Im on a 50/50 custody split and its killing me. I dont see my kids 3days a week. This will not change as he is a great father, but with all of his wreckless sexually inappropriate (infidelity type) behaviour, just not a good husband
You are right, if i return the change needs to be driven by me. And whilst i hope for a miracle i just cant get over him being fired for sexual harassment. I sacrificed myself and feelings to help him through it and he repays me by partially completing a dating profile, general chatting to women on social media, moving into the spare room, watching porn and cam girls. The level of disrespect is unreal......i cant get over it.
You are right, there are no good options. The grass isnt greener....its torched everywhere i turn. I either accept disrespect and have my kids, or loose them (and likely my friends you have supported me so far) because he continues with his disgusting behaviour.
Its been 2.5years for you......are you settled and feeling yourself?
Hugs
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
These are heartbreaking choices. I'm so sorry. If you have a personal therapist and/or lawyer you can turn to for advice as you navigate this decision, maybe that would help. Sometimes there are options we can't see. :( If you do go back with the intention of only staying to be with your kids until they're grown, I would highly recommend keeping your future single life in mind with every decision you make. Maybe that's getting a different job, meeting new friends that are yours alone, getting more education, legally protecting an inheritance, etc. Sorry if that's unsolicited advice, but prioritizing what YOU are going to need will help future you land on your feet more quickly and stably one day.
Thank you for asking how I'm doing. It has been very challenging. The "suffering" portion of this journey feels long because of the years of painful leadup to finally breaking it off. I'm sure you know that feeling! The process of separating was exhausting for me because unsurprisingly he wouldn't lift a finger. The first year in my new home was challenging as well with seemingly endless things that had to be addressed. I was so drained from my years with him that I was doing it all on empty and there was no room for "me." However, I can honestly say that I'm finally feeling pretty great about it all now. I knew that ADHD symptoms were choking our household, but I didn't really know how bad it was until I was out. My days are so normal and routine now with no one dropping the ball, creating constant messes, seeking argumentative dopamine hits, etc. etc. The peace is incredible. And though I haven't dated (I'm not ready), I like that being out means I have the opportunity to find real healthy companionship if I want to. (I can empathize with where you're at as I was in a sexless marriage for the final 10 years with a porn-addicted husband.) I do finally feel more myself and like I can find joy again in the little and big life events. I didn't think I'd ever feel "happy" again. This is not the life I imagined for myself and I'm still coming to terms with that, but what I have now is much better than what I left behind.
I am happy you have some friends who are supporting you right now. I hope you can find your way through and choose the best of a bad lot of options. You are in my thoughts.