My ADD husband and I used to have a lot of good friends. We saw friends all the time. I felt we were sought after because we brought fun to gatherings.
A couple of decades later, this is all gone. I have grieved it immeasurably. For many years, before diagnosis, I couldn't understand why it happened. My charming and kind husband started to withdraw from social events and became afraid to speak on the phone. He lost his confidence. I then lost my confidence, because it seems nothing makes you as vulnerable socially as a weakened partner.
Friends turned on me. They made fun of my husband and me. We let them. Family acted awkwardly as contact became more and more difficult. It was all so unexpected. I never managed to defend myself or confront anyone. I felt so confused and hurt, I finally just gave up most of the people I used to care for.
And since then, I haven't recovered. I can guess what's wrong with me socially: I'm anxious to be accepted. I don't want to put people off, so I choose my words and actions carefully. I probably constantly scan people's faces and voices for signs of dismissal. People don't like it.
I've tried to make new friends for us as a family. Nothing sticks. We now have the tiniest circle of old friends, and we don't see them very often.
I used to get away with arrogance, feeling generally admired and loved. Now, humble and friendly, and using my tuned-in professional communication skills, I am deep down convinced nobody likes me.
Does anybody recognize this?
How is it that ADD can do this to the partner?
How can I ever regain that confidence?
How is your relationship with
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
How is your relationship with your spouse? I'm the non-ADHD spouse and I'm an introvert, but I've found that I have become more and more withdrawn socially as time has gone on. Part of it has been the attempt to conceal the marriage struggles I've faced with his ADHD and my unhappiness. Part of it has been the fact that my husband used to over-analyze and get on my case afterward for anything I said that he perceived made him look bad, even if I was just sharing about my own personal life, which often had nothing to do with him. It became very pronounced when he started going to church with the kids and I about 3 or 4 years ago. Everyone sees him as fun and friendly and boisterous, tho sometimes a bit much. But I've gotten to the point where I don't like socializing hardly at all anymore because it feels like such an overwhelming performance, and I still feel like I have to be so careful with what I say so I don't offend or embarass him that it's exhausting to me. He's relaxed a lot in the last year, but how he used to be has taken its toll on how I behave around other people. I'm not comfortable and I'm not the same person in social settings that I used to be.
I’m so sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry, that seems like a terrible setting for being social together with your family. I do understand you would rather not socialize just to avoid your husband's criticism, it sounds like abuse to me. It's wildly upsetting that you can't be who you used to be around people.
My situation is different. I love socializing. My husband was outgoing when we met. Now he's easily overwhelmed by people and acts timid in company. He suffers from depression and burnout on top of his high-level ADD. Our relationship is not good, for the same reasons. His symptoms have caused a lot of conflict and put a heavy burden on me. I've literally been at my wits end for years. Of course, as you mentioned, the permanent relationship crisis doesn't make for an expansive social life, either. People that know of my predicament look depressed at the sight of me. It's just so sad. I really enjoy company. If I go away on my own and meet new people, I can invent a new me, have fulfilling interactions and even feel popular. I just can't have a social life in my normal life anymore.
He was verbally and
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
He was verbally and emotionally abusive for many years. I still DO socialize because it's important to my kids. But it sucks so much more life out of me than it used to.
That must be so hard when you really want and need other people in your life. Can you go to things or be involved with things that don't require your husband's presence? I took my childen to church for many years without my husband. That was actually the turning point for me to no longer think I was this horrible crazy person because I made plenty of friends and not one of them ever accused me of being mean or spiteful or out to get them. (I had inlaws that had problems with my husband individually, but thought I was the mastermind behind his behaviors. It was a HUGE mess.) It did me a world of good and gave me a lot of clarity having emotionally healthy outside people in my life. But I never completely opened up to any of them about my personal reality at home.
Being secret
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It seems good, your way of not being completely open about the challenges of the marriage. I suppose then you can take a break from them when you spend time with church friends? That must be valuable too. Big problems have a way of leaking into conversations. I myself almost wish I hadn't been so transparent with our troubles over the years. Only I had no idea of what we were dealing with. All my closest personal friends (women I've known a long time) know and sympathize. But that also makes me The Unfortunate One.
That part about your in-laws - I'm so curious. Have they changed their opinion about you and your husband after the diagnosis?
So sorry to hear about the abusive behavior. Has he ever apologized to you? Is there anything he can do to make you trust him?
I feel it's hard to give up on that hope for reconciliation. But it has to be real, doesn't it? As you wrote in that other thread, faking doesn't always make things better.
Big problems DO have a way of
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Big problems DO have a way of seeping into conversations. I think that's why I found it easier to engage with friends and church before he was there with me. I could disengage from my reality at home. Yes, it's good for him to be there, but it's shut me down.
We're estranged from his parents and have been for 10 years. They were actually the ones who cut us off, but they are a very dysfunctional family - hyper-religious, abusive, secretive, judgemental - resulting in their kids struggling with addictions, seclusion, inability to maintain relationships with anyone outside the family. Their extreme secrecy gave me absolutely NO hint of how dysfunctional they were until after I had married into the family.
They don't know he has ADHD (he's undiagnosed and untreated/unmanaged), but they're the kind of religious people who don't buy into that kind of thing anyway. That kind of thinking strongly influences my husband, which is partially why he has no diagnoses or treatment.
Yes, he has apologized. He recognizes it was wrong. And he's heartbroken that I'm ambivalent. I think my problem is less about trust than simply longevity of the abuse. I have no relationship to the man because there were only 2-3 months in the beginning of our marriage where he wasn't abusive. I have no reference point for normal or happy in regards to him.
Yes, I faked it for so long that I completely lost myself. I can't remember the last time I liked kissing or him being near me or touching me. But I can remember years of gritting my teeth and bearing it because I was trying so hard to be "nice".
Sorry that was long. I don't talk to people IRL about this kind of thing.
Dear Eighpryl
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Eighpryl,
This is a deeply painful reality you describe. I cannot even begin to say how sorry I am. (And my original post describes a privileged situation in comparison.)
I ache for you, your happiness, your freedom, your chance to feel loved and lightheaded from time to time. If you were my friend in the real world I would probably try to intervene. (That might not necessarily be helpful, I almost got into an argument with my old friend the other day trying to convince her her husband has no right treating her as he does. But I can barely help myself.)
Oh but I wish you had friends who knew and could support you through this, whatever way you choose. Sometimes I think society in my country (individualistic and uniquely non-religious I've come to understand) is too respectful in front of family problems. I do think sometimes extended family or friends could make a positive difference in marital troubles. A nudge to get evaluation, or treatment, or couples therapy. Protection for women and children. Co-pulling everyday life and lessening loneliness. But we're not good at this. Probably because we're shy and spend all energy at work.
Eighpryl, I wonder how your situation could be better. I hope for you to feel your integrity matters, your true feelings, your true person. I would wish for you to also have friends who knew.
Big hug ❤️
Thank you!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
You are very kind, and I so appreciate your acknowledgement of how hard this can be. I think I have become used to being alone. I have one very close friend who knows everything. She says she thinks I've maintained this facade for so long - covering for my husband's issues and fronting the perfect family and charmed life - that I no longer even know how to let anyone through the wall, and I think she's right. That dysfunction was such an overwhelming part of my life that I have very little to contribute to a close friendship that isn't tainted by it in some way, and most people simply wouldn't understand. When I tried to explain to my mom about what I'm going through in my marriage, she was very compassionate and said she wishes I would have told her sooner, but then said she'll pray for God to give me love for my husband since he's trying now. I know she had good intentions, but it didn't really feel helpful or supportive. I just choose to leave my family out of it now.
It really is ok. I prefer peace and quiet to a social life, anyway, but I do wish it looked less snobby when I want to stay home and do my own thing. Lol
Been some time since you
Submitted by Scotth on
Been some time since you posted ...
So sorry about that!
Gee I sure can relate - that is exactly the way my wife and I (of 30 years) have been of late. Say,, you might find it useful to congregate with a new group.
Best of wishes to you both.
Thank you!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for sharing. Best of luck to you, too.