My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. We are in couples counseling and he sees a therapist privately. After years of growing apart our relationship is betting better. But, out financial life is a disaster. When we were first married I had retirement savings. He convinced me to invest in a business that failed. We bought a home and because I had a better credit rating the mortgage was put in my name. I also let him use one of my credit card and he ran up $27,0000 which he pays the bare minimum. We took out an $80,000 home equity loan to fix up the house. Every project was left unfinished and I ended up paying this loan. He is not working now because of a heart condition and is retraining for another career.
Last night while we were out to dinner he decided to tell me he wants to retire in 3 years. I said maybe 5 years (he is 68 and I am 69) but not before we are out of debt since we have no retirement savings. We also have to fix up the house before we csn sell it. He said he thought we should move out of the country and not pay these bills. And furthermore, accused me of only thinking about money. I finally said I couldn't do that and if he felt it was so important he should leave without me but please don't leave me holding the bag on all these bills. I did not get an answer. He just shut down.
I sm sure if I hadn't been so surprised by him bringing up this topic I could have handled it better. Maybe asked how he planned to fix up the house and where he was going to find the money. Now I am panicking that one day he will walk on on thes obligations and I will be overwhelmed with debt. i would appreciate any suggestions about ow to handle this.
Think about you first
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
What you said to him is not at all out of line. It's responsible and reasonable and I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. I would recommend doing whatever would be optimal for YOUR protection alone since he has shown you multiple times now that he can't be trusted financially. I think a lawyer could advise you best on how to protect yourself financially in this situation based on your debts, assets and the laws where you live. In just a one hour consult, a lawyer can probably advise the optimal path 1. if you stay together, 2. If you were to legally divorce/separate and 3. If he abandons you suddenly. That way you know exactly what you're dealing with and can make the right decisions for your own wellbeing. It's just my opinion, but I think you should take control of this rather than remain on the receiving end of his decisions because they are uncertain.
I agree with Melanie.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with Melanie.
Unrealistic expectations
Submitted by swampyankee on
I am sorry you are experiencing this. My husband believes he will retire at age 65 (he is 60 now) even though we will still have two children in college and we do not have much in the way of retirement savings. I am 11 1/2 years younger than him and I'm afraid I will never get to retire because he'll rip through what retirement savings he does have and then will rely on me.
I sometimes wonder which financial disaster would be better-- leaving him after the kids are out of the house or staying for the eventual financial crash.