Hi
I'm diagnosed since 2 months and together with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, and we have 2 kids.
Unfortunately we are struggling for some years now (not only undiagnosed adhd, but a lot of stuff that got thrown at us from outside)
Since diagnosis and meds, things have been better and actually steadily uphill until the end of last week....
A conversation triggered me (and my girlfriend then of course) and I felt for days like I wasn't taking meds (took my normal dose).
The absolute horror!
Quickly offended, completely forgetful and useless in the household etc., incapable of criticism.
After this s*** weekend then again a real stupid discussion at the beginning of the week.
In any case, both topics were about how I/we want to deal with ADHD and the associated issues.
I would very much like to do this together. Together means for me, together look at what both should adjust or how we can better solve and control emerging problems.
It's very clear to me hat, the adhd is primarily "my" issue and I dont' want her to solve it for me.
Thing is, she is unfortunately also completely exhausted. Already for a longer time, not only because of ADHD. It is simply also very much from the outside on us poured the last few years.
But then she says that she is not my therapist. But I did not expect that. I don't want her to solve my problems and ADHD, only that we solve the effects together (I'm reading "the" book currently ;) )
She also said that she can't worry about the future etc., but has to look at the present and wait for 1,2 years how it develops.
I fear that she is hopeless (although even she said few weeks ago, the meds are really noticable)
What triggered me then and I meant that I do not want to wait simply 1.2 years.
Unfortunately without the addition, which was in my head, that I do not want to wait 1.2 years in this current state.
I wrote that to her the day after, but damaged was done.
While I understand her, that she's completly exhausted, fed up and angry, I have a lot of difficulties that she doesn't want/can't work together with me (she knows what she can improve from her side and tries it), and that her outlook of the (possible) future is not really there.
That she needs a lot of time, and space and is traumatized (just to be clear, I was never violent or anything like that, but unattentive, verbally impulsive and very unable to handle criticism).
But she's not the easiest person either (not to downplay adhd)
I would love to hear your experiences from both sides in similar situations and how you dealt with them.
It's just devastating currently.
Time
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Arik! Major kudos for going on meds and working to understand and heal the challenges in the relationship.
I am guessing that maybe your girlfriend is at capacity right now and just can't take on managing the ADHD with you at this time. As things improve, that could change. My guess is that she'd like to see you doing the heavy lifting in taking meds and working on the symptoms that plague your relationship most and then as she gains trust that you're consistently working at it and she starts to gain some health and energy back herself, she may be able to support with ADHD friendly strategies. In fact, a couple years down the road, she may even be enthusiastic about doing so. I would guess that the thing you guys need most is time. It took a long time to get this stressed and exhausted and it will take a long time to recharge, trust that things are permanently different and rebuild any lost connection. I think trying to rush it will backfire. She has to see it to believe it and she is just so tired she needs the space she's asking for. Just my guess. I don't know your relationship or full situation, but I have been where it sounds like your girlfriend is. Wishing you and your family the best!
thanks a lot for your comment
Submitted by Arik on
thanks a lot for your comment, I really appreciate it, especially coming from somebody from the non-adhd side. Helps to understand
Hello Arik,
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's 18 months since my husband's ADD diagnosis and I thought maybe we have something in common.
I have the deepest respect for the turmoil a relationship can get into after diagnosis. For us, both were exhausted before diagnosis. Then, medication started. I felt the unpredictability of life with ADD reached new heights as my husband's personality changed.
If I have one piece of advice, it's that the non-ADD partner is allowed to come along and see the doctor. When my husband's psychiatrist after the first six months talked to me, medication took a dramatic turn for the better. I now contact her when I'm worried about him. It has been very important for us. ADD partner's psychologist appointments are probably best private, but the doctor is helping the entire family.
But apart from that, I think in those early months of treatment, the non-ADD partner doesn't really have power to change much. The main advice I've been given by professionals is to try to leave the house and enjoy myself independently as much as possible. It's been reasonable advice. When my partner has tried to put tasks on me, in addition to the outrageous load I've carried for us, I usually haven't appreciated it.
I hope you both soon can find joy in your relationship again.
thanks a lot for your comment
Submitted by Arik on
thanks a lot for your comment. I really appreciate it, especially coming from somebody who is on the other side of the adhd :)
You wrote "Then, medication started. I felt the unpredictability of life with ADD reached new heights as my husband's personality changed."
Do you mean it got worse at first because of the meds (dosage etc.)?
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes. In our case it hasn't been just ADHD medication but anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation and rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria treatment. They all have had starting periods of negative side effects, and have been increased slowly, tapered, or abandoned in the process of the last 18 months. We're not done yet.
Often I've just seen my husband change and I haven't known why. It's been terrifying.
Once I actually knew a bit what was going on with medication by speaking to the doctor, at least I felt a bit more initiated.
Good luck on your work!
Hi
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hey Arik,
I'm the ADHD spouse. I can tell you what my wife has said and my two daughters. First, good on you for taking meds and beginning to get your ADHD treated. I'm 47 and was undiagnosed until this Feb. I'm also bi-polar and have only been on meds for that since July 2021 but I did not consistently take them unil September March 2022. The journey is quite hard but worth it. Meds, therapy, and other treatments are awesome but they are only the start. I, and you, have to implement the changes and work the problem. I think Melissa said it, or someone, "Pills don't teach skills" and it's so true.
My wife is tired and hates her life. I had no idea WHY I could not keep a job, was horrible wiht money, forgetful, etc. etc. I just found out the reasons and am working on them. She is still very hurt and angry and regrets marrying me. She has said she hates mental illness and had she known I was mentally ill would not have married me. I hear her. I wish I could have waved her off as well so she would not have had to deal with me.
To echo Melody1 it will take lots and lots of time. My daughters have noticed changes in me, especially in my temper. When I was manic I was very irritable and could be loud. Both my girls have said that has improved 100% and I can recognize now when I might be irritable or snap and either fend it off by being quiet or if I fail by apologizing quickly.
I'm learning that the meds help but I've got decades of habits to unlearn and that is supremly difficult. It's possible though from what I read.
I'd say two main things I'm learning are that: 1. Change for me. I want to be the best version of myself possible. I like who I am becoming now much more than unmedicated me. It would be easier if my wife liked me but I'm changing for me. Her approval certainly would help but if I base my motivation on whether she likes it or not or approves then I'll lose momentum when she does not like it. I want the changes to make her life better of course and I want her happy and fulfilled but the motivation to change has to come from within me and then spread to my family.
2. Humility is essential. I have to be quick to apologize when I realize I'm wrong or have wronged someone. I've told my girls to please point out when I'm being weird or off as I don't always know and have at times said impulsive things that were embarrasing. They do the above very well. They are discrete but quite open and honest also. It's hard but I've found the more the three of us do that the better our relationship is. My wife and I are not there yet. I know she is embarrased of me and why and I'm working on how to change those things I can change. Ask for help. Set reminders on your phone. Use stickey notes. Use a bullet journel. Give your family permission to remind you about meds. I do all that and STILL forget things sometimes. Don't get snarky, sarcastic, mean, etc when you are reminded about something. Take it as a helping hand, even if it is not presented that way, thank the person for the reminder and DO THE THING.
Melissa's first book said the the ADHD partner usually has no idea how hard the relationship has been on the other partner. That is true. I'm working through the ADHD self study marriage seminar now and am finding areas I need to change and grow in ASAP.
So from the ADHD side of things: take your meds, find a therapist, and work on diet, exercise, and sleep. Be humble. Be patient. Be quiet. Do the hard work. Know you'll drop the ball at times, we all do, and pick it up again. I'm struggling through all of these now and it is not easy but worth it.
thanks for your post. It
Submitted by Arik on
thanks for your post. It helps to hear that other ADHD spouses struggle with similar issue. Although it sucks that we do ;)
I'm really trying, fortunately I never had issues with money or jobs. The forgetfulness was really an issue (almost successfully countered with apps), interestingly I only forgot my meds once in three months without any app or reminder.
My issues are mostly relationship oriented (not "present", verbal impulsivity, not available empathically, although I actually am really empathic but have problems showing it)
I think I have to adjust my mindset, so the changes I make are for me, to better me and not for my spouse (well, in the end that too, but not as the primary motivation).
Like you mentioned.
All the best to you and your familiy :)
just two days into our
Submitted by Arik on
just two days into our vacations it's just horrible.
the kids are tiring and stresfull (have been for weeks).
Girlfriend is just exhausted, angry and down and while I keep forgetting things or see things differently I feel constantly critisized.
Sometimes I just don't say anything or sorry but I sometimes just have to get my point across (calmly), which doesnt really help.
In the evening my girlfriend was so finished she just sat in the bathroom.
kids didn't even really notice, I tried to help her, but didn't know how because it's quite clear, I'm part of the problem.
So I just asked what I can do to help, which made her just furious.
And after sometime she just yelled she would have need assistance years ago and it's too late now.
She doesn't even see that I try to manage the kids and try to be there in some way for everybody. For years now.
I think I'm doing quite well with the kids (at least something...) but it's really exhausting.
Even today she's just angry says she doesn't like us anymore and it seems everything is our fault.
She has no idea or will/energy to fix anyhting, especially not the relationship.
I suggested that maybe professional help for her might help to which she meant that she's not the problem because she behaves normal.
Maybe somebody to help manage the kids.
Firstly, no, some of her behavior is just not ok or harmful. I'm not willing to take every blame. I already take and accept lots of it, but not everything.
And second, help is to help her getting better. Not because she's guilty, but beacuse she's completly exhausted.
Even my suggestion to take a week or so off and do something alone, was met with some counter argument (despite her wishing to do that)
So, that's that...