Sorry, this question is so stupid. I'm ashamed already.
Does love ever return?
The last couple of years with my severe ADD husband have been very hard. Today I feel I'm walking in ruins at home. I look at my breakfast china and remember when we bought it together excitedly many years ago, building a home. We seem to have failed.
Any doctor would suggest I take anti-depressants, as they have on several occasions. I guess I could. But I'm afraid that would cloud judgment. I'm not joyless. It's just my marriage pulls me down.
I've felt love during the process of diagnosis and I've tried very hard to participate in turning our situation around since then. But now, 19 months in, I haven't felt loving for a long time.
Progress might be there, but I've lost hope. There is no story. There is no functioning future in sight. He doesn't seem to be able to work. He's perpetually ill. He's always tired. He cannot plan, imagine, dream, prioritize. He's only in his early forties. We have three schoolchildren.
I guess I'm hoping for something to happen, since I don't seem to be able to change anything by shifting attitudes, trying new angles, making up, creating boundaries, starting over. I've used all the tools in my box.
I guess I'm hoping for a miracle.
Does love return?
I'm so terribly sad today.
so sorry
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Swedish Coast,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and for your sadness. Im the ADHD spouse and a husband so I don't know exaclty how you feel but I've struggled, and still do at times, with deep depression. That terrible sadness paralyzes and at times all I've been able to do is just weep. I hear you on the hesitancy to take anit-depressents. The only option that helped me was lithium and Welbutrin but I believe your situation is much more complicated and hard than mine. I have no advice but I'll be thinking about you and your family today and asking for some light and hope be sent to you personally.
QM
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you so much. It helps to know you're all on the forum sharing. All the best to you.
So true. I'm sorry for your
Submitted by SilviaM on
So true. I'm sorry for your pain.
It's difficult and confusing
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
No easy answers. You are right to wonder. It's hard to see how love returns when nothing changes. The cumulative emotional baggage of dealing with ADHD can pretty much smother all romantic feelings (speaking from personal experience of living with 30 years of undiagnosed ADHD)(Spouse still won't seek treatment so I'm not expecting any miracles).
Sometimes (ok often) I daydream how things might have turned out with a neurotypical partner :( ... perhaps there's a version of me in a parallel universe who made different choices and lives a happier life...
Sending you well wishes to have the strength to do what you need to ... <3
Thank you S
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you. I'm sorry for what you describe, too.
As you mentioned, that parallel life of what could have been is such a disturbing thought. I have had children crying at home the last few days but they can't explain why. Is our family toxic? Is the kind and humorous tone we try to use false? It it wrong to try being normal when things haven't felt normal for years? Do I owe my children a better environment?
Or do children go through natural phases and I'm just confused since I can't navigate in the vicinity of my husband's depression and illness?
I'm so lost these days.
I feel for you. 30 years of undiagnosed ADHD must allow for some slipping of normality, I would suppose.
Love return?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
First and foremost, please don't be afraid to take anti-depressants to help you with your life and with sorting through the very important question you are asking. I was in a similar situation many years ago and ended up taking anti-depressants for 2 years. It was TREMENDOUSLY helpful. I hope they would be able to help you look at your situation without the cloud hanging over your head, and to be able to tackle some of the issues you face without feeling as if you are rolling a huge boulder up a mountain.
As for love returning...
This is a highly personal question and experience. I have seen couples fall back in love again and others not make it. My observation is that it takes two people, though. You don't just 'fall back in love' with someone who is unresponsive to you, who isn't working with you to share joy and affection, etc etc. The seeds of love grow in the fertile ground of hope, affection, and care. Even if you've been struggling horribly, the effort needs to come from both.
I know very little about your story, but suggest this path with what I do know: get those anti-depressants for you, immediately. You need help. If you find that you don't like them, you can titrate back down off them (don't stop taking anti-depressants all at once.). PLUS get your husband the help he needs to optimize management of his ADHD. Improving his performance and emotional state creates the best likelihood that the two of you will be able to pull your life back together and be happy.
You CANNOT do this on your own. He MUST participate.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Melissa,
I appreciate your advice.
I feel I maybe must make a decision to divorce my husband. Life together hasn't been good for many years. He's been in a very bad state since at least 2018. Of course, that also makes separation difficult - leaving an ill person is not like divorcing a well-functioning partner. He has severe ADD, burnout and depression. He does have an excellent psychiatrist and other treatment and is very motivated and also loving. However, our relationship has taken hard beatings before diagnosis and sadly, just as much after. Things aren't better 19 months into treatment. At least not for me.
Anti-depressants might be a good idea. Still, is it good to continue like this and shortcircuit my body's alarm systems? Don't we need those? I need them to navigate a demanding workplace, relationships, everything.
How will I know if this is bearable if I drug myself to make it bearable?
Will I make the right decision then?
I need to love my husband in order to explain to myself and others why this relationship despite everything is still a good idea.
I have taken an
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have taken an antidepressant, and it did not cloud my judgment. Nor did it cause me to think, "Oh, I'm so happy now that I'm never going to change anything in my life!" There are substances that might cause a person to not care and to function worse, but the right (for the individual) antidepressant is not such a substance.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Poisonivy. Im sure you're right. Probably I have a fear of losing control in general because so much at home and also at work depends on me. (Impaired functioning as a driver? it said on one medication as side effect? I do surgery?)
Drugging self...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The anti-depressants may well provide you with the energy to be able to think through this better - they don't cloud your vision, the provide emotional stability so you can move along in your life in whatever way you wish.
There are complications to deciding to divorce someone, particularly someone who is struggling. As women, many of us were taught to be caretakers at our own expense. While I do buy into the idea that partners should be caretakers - of each other - I don't buy into the idea that self sacrifice on the part of women in the marriage is the be all and end all. My feeling (and experience) is that one should do all that one can do to make sure that you couldn't improve your own side of things (having no control over the other partner's side of things) and be transparent (and kind) about what you need. But at some point of self-sacrifice, it may well be time to think about your own well-being. For if you don't...who will? I say that with caution because in my mind there is nothing sadder than a family breaking apart because someone weaponized my words and thought I was encouraging divorce. What I'm encouraging is that we understand the limits of our own control and that we use our good judgment to figure out if we've reached that limit, and if our partner is doing they best they can, and make our decisions accordingly.
A good resource for you might be the book Boundary Boss. I recommend it regularly when people need to assess what their next steps should be and, in particular, when women may need to assess what they want in their lives and whether or not they are on a path to get it.
On a narrow ledge
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Melissa.
It sure is walking on a narrow ledge, balancing one's own heart and integrity on the one side, the family and ailing partner on the other.
Now I've slept 10 hours and 8 the night before and feel more robust. Everything seems more manageable and I don't have the blurred reality feeling of a couple of days ago.
Boundary Boss is very good. I've seen you recommend it before and I've read it twice this summer.
Thank you so much for your concern.
That is the exact question I
Submitted by doghome on
That is the exact question I am facing now too. He just got diagnosed in the last year and it explains soooooo much of our issues, but the damage has been done, how do I ever get it back? He still feels the same about me or else I probably would of walked away a long time ago, we just had our 25th anniversary yesterday. Im trying to look at us thru new eyes but its hard, the forgetfullness just kills me. We can agree to something and then he forgets it, I have a hard time with that
How do we get it back?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I sympathize with you. How do we get it back? The feeling of trust. Of coming home to something warm and profound. Of being able to talk about everything. Sort anything out. Of being surrounded by vibrant life, connected to a whole extended family. In a circle of friends. Rich with sense of belonging,
I don't know about you, but I would give anything to have it back.
I drove around my childhood block today. I have this acute sense of homesickness. It's because I don't want to come home anymore. I sit in the car on the driveway outside our house. I can't bear to go inside since my husband is there.
I have no helpful advice, but
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I have no helpful advice, but plenty has been offered already. I've wondered the same thing. How do you ever get love and happiness back after so much destruction and dysfunction has eaten you alive for the last half of your life? Slightly different circumstances. My husband has been doing the work for the last 15 months, but now that he's acknowledging his abuse and my hurt and making the changes, it's almost worse at times. Sadness, anger, disgust, disappointment, and total indifference are my new palate of emotions. It's frightening. I want to be me again someday.
Same
Submitted by felicity on
So many of us in the same situation, I could have written the last two comments word for word.
I’m worse at it
Submitted by Swedish coast on
True for us, too. Since diagnosis and all subsequent efforts I'm worse at this than ever. My feelings mirror yours.
I'm sorry for you.
Submitted by SilviaM on
I'm sorry for you.