I have real communication problems with my wife. We’ve been married for 13 years and for the whole period I have been incredibly confused by her lack of communication.
She rarely sends me messages or replies to messages that I’ve sent her, even if I send her pictures and thoughtful things I rarely get an acknowledgement. So I have stopped doing it which is really sad. I see things I would usually say or share with a partner throughout the day and I just stop because I think there’s no point. A loving, connecting part of me has died.
Usually a message I will get will be functional “what’s your sister’s dob ?” and I will receive no chat on either side of it or thanks when I reply (hey morning how you doing, what’s your sister’s dob, great thanks catch you later” etc.). And yet I see her chatting with her friends via WhatsApp and Facebook regularly, sending messages and photos, but not to me. She’ll often sign messages to her friends with kisses but almost never to me. It all feels very petty. But is very confusing.
When we discussed this or I bring it up she will often say “oh I’m so busy, I can’t think of you all the time” or to say that I am needy. And often she seems completely unaware that she hasn't communicated and quite surprised that I'm annoyed. But it feels like there is no communication or affection with me at all and it's been an issue always that still causes me lots of stress and anger
I don’t know why she would naturally communicate with her friends but so little with me. The sad conclusion I keep coming to is that actually she’s just not that into me or doesn’t love me that much to be bothered. I feel as though I ticked the “find husband” box which was the hyperfocus at the time which then became the wedding hyperfocus and the have children hyperfocus, but that as soon as the husband box was ticked there was no need to continue feeding it. Or as I am starting to understand it no longer provided the reward or buzz.
She is currently away for a month with our children on holiday and I get almost no messages or photos and when I ask for them or bring them up, she’s often frustrated with me and irritated like I’m asking too much from her or criticising her. She is very spiky, defensive and aggressive and I have become very wary of upsetting her. Instead I put up with the titbits I get and try to be very gentle and tactful.
I am really sad. I genuinely don’t know if she doesn’t care and is not interested in me or if it’s ADHD. I have read about issues with object permanence and communication difficulties and the thrill/ reward mechanism wonder if this is related, and the fact that I’m not around means she’s just not thinking about me or thinking about sending me stuff but doesn't mean she doesn't actually care or love me.
But then I’m confused because she is chatting and thinking about her friends who she communicates with a lot. They are incredibly important to her and she suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria in anything related to them.
In the vacuum my confusion and insecurity is vastly magnified. I replay things over and over trying to understand them. We have recently separated which I don’t want and I am left wondering if my marriage has been a lie or whether ADHD is a huge part of the picture and there is hope for a different way of understanding what is going on and relating.
If anyone has any insights or can relate to this experience, I would be very grateful. Thank you.
Hyper-focus for you is gone
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Once the marriage hyperfocus where you shared constantly is gone it is never coming back. She doesn't remember commitments and hopes and dreams regarding you from that period. Poof. Your ADHD wife is psychotically selfish and does not even acknowledge the selfishness when you point it out repeatedly. You are now a servant who keeps the bills paid. It won't improve. You are screwed.
Results may vary.....
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
adding to what Will it get Better wrote....You describe my 30 year endeavor almost to a 'T'.
Although I will say that she always called to let me know she was leaving work, or headed home, and always asked If I needed anything- I learned, in the end to say "no ma'am, but thank you though!" because she always spoke of how she always sacrificed herself for others- the 'guilt complex' that took a toll on me,.So, even though i ended up trying not to get myself into another vicious cycle of that tactic, I ended up in the opposite side of the spectrum with the 'You dont need or want me!' guilt trip.
My ex has severe ADHD and she is a closet alcoholic- If you want a real experience in mind fuckery, try going the first 13 years feeling like YOU are the problem, that YOU are always the one who ALWAYS apologizes and tries to change...then finding out she has severe ADHD, and then after that fact, she self diagnosed, self medicated, and drank behind your back for another 17 years...and all the times you were proud to have a spouse that supported you working late, or going riding with your friends on weekends or encouraged you to take trips with your buddies,,,,was NOT because she was thoughtful of you, no....she was getting rid of you so she could drink, and hide alcohol all over the house.
These things I have written are just the TIP of the iceberg.
I have been free of it for almost a year now, but am still mind fucked and trying to reconcile what was real and what was not.
and yet, somehow, I am the reason, I am the problem, I am the one that caused all the grief and misery, Did I get toxic towards the end- VERY.
It was a nightmare now that I look back on it.
Let me ask you a question... In 13 years, have you experienced the 'Saturday Fights'? Thats a real good indicator.
Milian, I understand so much of what you wrote.
Submitted by brindle2 on
Oh my goodness. I have thought so many of the exact words that you have typed. I have also given up sharing and reaching out to my spouse in daily things because he won't respond. Back when he and I both had social media, he ignored everything I sent him, but his friends got quick answers. And he never left me messages. Texting? Forget it. It is also used for "business" items like the sister's dob. And I have had the same questions and doubts as you have had. I even made a post once upon a time that said I wondered why do I even try to communicate with him. And others expressed the same frustration with their spouses. You are definitely not alone in this.
My experience is that once the hyperfocus that was aimed toward me had worn off, it was truly gone. He doesn't really focus on anyone at home. Not me, not the kids. He lives on the computer or his phone. The relationships with the kids have been damaged, as well as our marriage, naturally. I told him years ago (maybe 6 years ago now?) that I didn't feel loved and hadn't for years. I had to tell him several more times, because it didn't stick in his memory. That stung, too. It finally "took," but the attention on me vs people outside the house has never truly changed because I am no longer the shiny object. I remember that I used to wish that something jolting would happen to me so that he would notice me again. I no longer wish that, as I one day realized that it wouldn't last.
I have tried to talk to him about it. He won't be making any real changes. He hasn't so far, and years have passed.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It hurts very badly, especially when there are such invalidating and minimizing responses as you and I have gotten when we ask why. It isn't just the lack of attention that is painful; it is also the lack of empathy.