I just wanted to share that my wife has (finally) heard me that we need help, and we just started working with someone who has experience working woth couples where one of the partners has ADHD. I feel like one of the lucky ones!
I don't expect it to be a miracle cure, but I really think it is going to help. My wife only agreed to participate because I told her that I feared that if we didn't get help that our marriage would not last, and that if that happened, it would be her fault for not agreeing to address the ADHD issues. This morning, she commented to me "I think you were right that we needed help." Thank you!
I now have a question about sustained effort. I have read postings on this site about people with ADHD agreeing to work on ADHD issues, only to revert to their "old" behaviors after the hyperfocus wears off, or who for other reasons, end up not dealing with their ADHD behaviors anymore. Any advice on what I should look for to recognize that it might be starting to happen with my wife, and what I might say to her if it does? (I was never a girl scout but I definitely believe in the motto "Be prepared.")
How do I help make sure my wife continues in "maintenance mode" - to quote Awren, and what does that even look like?
not screaming and being angry when she needs a rest stop
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Expect surges forward, the need to retreat and think and process, needing encouragment to get moving again, a surge forward, the need to retreat and think and process, needing encouragment to get moving again ... over and over again. ADDers don't do slow and steady wins the race or keeping one single pace for the whole length of the journey.
I think the main thing is not screaming and being angry when she needs a rest stop on the journey, but allow for a short break (but not backslide) and then cheer and encourage and maybe a gentle yank or two to get her moving again.
nail on the head
Submitted by arwen on
MIss Be, once again you've hit the nail on the head. This is a perfect description of good, normal marital progress between an ADHD partner and a non-ADHD partner. Not a smooth journey, by any means, but manageable and worthwhile. It's certainly very much what my spouse and I have experienced.
You go, girl!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I hate to say this but "be
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I hate to say this but "be prepared" to continue to ride the rollercoaster. Even after diagnosis and some treatment I'm finding it is still an uphill battle. My husband was diagnosed at 50 and it was like Miss B said, he focused on learning about the disorder and why he was the way he was, what needed to be done by reading many books, then retreating and not doing anything because of feeling overwhelmed, then starting the same process again and so on and so on.... I believe in my husband's case, he needs to get himself into some kind of a "maintenance mode" but any gentle mention of this by me, he acknowledges calmly, but I can see him kicking and screaming and getting angry on the inside.
freaked out too
Submitted by callmesusan on
Hoping4more, I hear you. We have had three awesome weeks. My husband has been medicated for 4 days now and he is relieved with the way he feels. In counseling I expressed my fear the this re-connection could all come to a screeching halt at any moment. (By the time we entered counseling, which is when the ADD was detected by the counselor, I was at the end of my rope. I could not see myself going on anymore the way we had for many years maybe all of the 35+ years. I needed more. I needed a partner.) Anyway, the counselor said he wanted me to remain skeptacle, and he wanted my husband to be skeptacle also. Vigilence. In the weeks that we have been in counseling I have observed some behaviors in me that are in response to his ADD behaviors. I am trying to watch as an outside observer so that I can catch stuff and respond differently. Like others suggested, I think it will not be a linear, upward slant but an up and down that slowly progresses over time.
I'm happy for you both that your wife has agreed to enter counseling. Best wishes for progress.