Hello.
Ive posted here a few times and this community helped me.
Ive no idea what to write today. Im 9months into a "temporary" separation. Only now has he sought medication but only for his situational depression. Nothing for his ADHD. He still hadnt sought therapy, but says he is doing internal therapy, lots of reading around coping strategies. He says people like him struggle to sort difficult tasks and im pushing him to do things in my timeframe.......but its been 9months separated and a year since i raised im not happy. Im not sure his internal therapy is working as when i ask him to stop blame shifting he said "what the fuck are you on about, blameshifting. Going on about this again". Immediate erruption, then narky, then calm again. Its all too much.
I feel now he has been diagnosed, its like i see him for the first time. The mask is off him and im not sure he ever really loved me. I was more of a meal ticket.
How do you cope with being the one who instigated the separation and ripped your family apart? How do you cope being on your own after 20years?
I have no hope left. Ive tried everything to save my family, and ive no hope now.
It’s so hard
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's so hard to decide to break up the family.
I went to the doctor today and said I might suffer from depression. Then I told him about my marriage and my ADD husband's health issues and how I can't find any good solutions.
The doctor surprised me. He didn't want to prescribe antidepressants, as I had expected. Instead he told me I needed to get out of the relationship to save myself and the children, no matter if it uprooted the children. He also told me I should let go of the house.
No caregiver has ever said that. I've had three CBT psychologists, they are all careful not to imply things. Couples therapist and husband's psychiatrist walk on egg shells around the question of divorce. Friends and family are very discreet too. Now this doctor told me to think about how to set about a separation and come back next week and tell him.
He might as well have said that to you, too.
Some other things he said were: life is short. Nobody will remember any of us in 300 years. Life is this moment and every moment and we need to live it and pursue happiness. You need to be happy and well-functioning for your kids. If you go down, they go down.
I don't know yet how to make this happen. But it was a relief to have someone rip this terrible situation open.
Maybe it's that simple. We've tried everything, we have no hope, we have no power to change our marriages.
Time to get out. No matter what anybody else thinks. No matter if it upsets the family. Family homes, finances, it all has to roll for us to have a chance to live our lives true to ourselves.
Oh wow. That would be
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Oh wow. That would be shocking advice to get from a medical professional. It makes sense, tho. Because our spouse affects pretty much every aspect of our lives in some way, it would make sense that, if they were not in our lives, we will eventually cease to be affected. The ship would right itself. There would be other challenges, of course, but "choose your hard" applies perfectly here. Hang in there! I know those must be difficult ideas to digest, but also difficult choices to make.
Choose your hard......
Submitted by Elliej on
When i started to tell my best friend and mother what my life is really like they were shocked. They said the grass is greener. But to your point it isnt. I see scorced ground everywhere.....choose your hard.
I meant and believe that life
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I meant and believe that life outside of this, no matter what it looks like, is definitely LESS hard than the current reality, but the choices are hard to make because there are always consequences of some kind to be had. Scorched ground is an excellent comparison.
Fully agree
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Every direction I turned sat a bad choice. There is no minimizing consequences or suffering no matter what. It feels like trading pain for pain. You are a hero no matter what choices you make here. It's gut wrenching. You're so strong for even getting to this point. ♥️
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you Melody. I dont feel like it. I feel very broken and wonder if it is the right choice. He has done so much but what throws me is, unlike true ADHD, in the day to day he kinda functions (cooks, cleans when asked, yes very forgetful but thats manageable). But the betrayal like behaviour is just too much x
Swedish coast... a similar thing happened to me!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"... it was a relief to have someone rip this terrible situation open."
I went to my family doctor, but with debilitating physical symptoms. Instead of sending me to a bunch of specialists, she asked about my life. When I told her about my marriage, she diagnosed me with situational depression... not a physical issue. I was shocked. She asked me why I wasn't leaving my marriage. I told her ADHD-friendly strategies I'd been trying around boundaries, etc. and repeated expert advice about acceptance and lowering my standards and she bluntly replied "WHY!? Why would you accept any of this for your life?" She advised me to get out of the "situation" and the "situational" depression would go away. It was jarring to hear from a medical professional when all the advice I'd received up to that point was about how I could work around and accommodate the ADHD and do more and live with an unfulfilling relationship and compromise to preserve the family. But she was SO right and I'm so grateful someone finally validated what my body had been screaming at me all along. I had to get out. I'd been lighting myself on fire to keep someone else warm for years and I was a shell of person. It took me some time to process and get to that point on my own, but like you said, it was time to let it all roll and start fresh on my terms... Set a healthy example for my daughter. I would never want to see her emulate a relationship like mine in the future or to think what I was doing and tolerating was okay. You can only go along for so long hoping someone else will see the light and do the work.
I wish you the very best if you pursue this path, Swedish (and as you continue, OP). It has been far from easy, but I am out and free and healthier every day. Being a single mom is challenging of course, but leaps and bounds easier than being in my unhealthy marriage. As an aside, my daughter is also much happier! His ADHD symptoms hurt her too and though I've always given her my best, my best is SO much more now that I'm healthy. She's thriving and has said multiple times she's glad we split. She sees her dad once a week and their relationship is actually stronger because he can have fun with her for a few hours and walk away. It works for both of them. Keeping the family intact as per societal expectations is not at all always what is best for the children... or us.
Edited this post to add that when the doctor advised me to get out, it was like someone was looking at what was best for ME for the first time. Not for the ADHD. Not for my spouse. Not for what my family would think. MY WELLBEING was finally front and centre as it should have been all along.
If you do this (and if you don't), know that there's a community here who's always here to listen and support.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you. That is so similar! I'm smiling reading your post.
Actually Melody, I think about you and your posts a lot. I think you are right to have acted. All the energy and thought we put into our unhappy ADHD marriages is only meaningful if it leads to change.
I got an idea this afternoon. If I take more evening shifts at work, he could maybe live in a smaller apartment but spend time with the children here on evenings when I'm out. Maybe that could make it possible to keep the house. My worst anxiety is that we live in an area where, if we sell the house, it's impossible to get two new homes. I really want the children to keep their friends and their schools.
What is your experience? My husband is insisting on seeing the children more than occasionally. Still, he has been so ill in the last year that I'm not convinced we could share time 50/50 as is customary here. His capacity is very unreliable and we don't know how his professional life or income will be in the coming months or long term...
Do you have any advice regarding the idea about him seeing the children here?
Thanks in advance!
Coparenting
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I completely understand not wanting to disrupt your kids' friendships and schools. I was "lucky" in that my daughter was transitioning to high school the year I left. We don't live in the same area as we did, but some of her old friends did also transition to the same high school she now goes to (which she chose and she's happy with). It's true also that selling our home and each getting a smaller home has been more expensive and I almost couldn't swing it.
Your plan sounds great to me... for you, your husband AND your kids if you can get your husband on board. 50/50 is customary where I live too (Canada). But my ex didn't bother to push for custody. If *I* had made the effort to contact the lawyers and draw up the documents, things might be different. But with ADHD inertia, here we are, which happens to be the best and healthiest solution for all of us. All this to say that if you start gently steering things one way, you might find he goes along if it also serves his abilities and needs (and what's good for the kids). If he feels like he's seeing them a lot, but also going home to the downtime he needs to take care of his illness without worrying about the millions of child-related responsibilities, it just might work perfectly for him. Rather than present it as your long term plan, I might just run the idea of you working those shifts while he comes over past him. If he's on board, great! Once you're doing it and it's working well for all, it will be easy to continue.
Thank you so much
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you so much. I'll try and make something of this.
All the best to you!
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you swedish coast. Ive read some of your posts and know how hard things have been for you so it must be nice to have received that validation.
I just have this overwhelming pull that maybe i didnt try hard enough? I ignored betrayals and potential infidelities (view my other posts),i supported through him being fired, im in counselling and have been for 14months. I refused marriage counselling as quite honestly i didnt want to hold his hand through it. I wanted effort (he suggested salsa classes.....). I feel shame and guilt and an animalistic grief ive never experienced. Im stuck. Ive supported and protected him for years and now he isnt here. I thought at this point i would be happy but im just not.
The responsibility
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry you're unhappy.
Going back and reading your earlier posts I noticed you felt in your temporary arrangement that you were alone with all responsibility for the future.
This is so relatable to me and also a major reason separation is hard.
Somebody asked why I thought I would be judged if in divorce I didn't make arrangements which would benefit my husband and me equally. The simple answer is that designing the entire family's life, with no help but full responsibility, is what I've done since day one.
The thing is, it's not your or my responsibility to compensate for another adult. What your husband has done (the sexual harassment) is abhorrent. He doesn't work on the ADHD if he's not even taking medication. His choices are poor. How could it ever be compensated for by you?
In my language there is a saying: bad conscience always runs with the wrong people. It sounds to me like you have done everything imaginable to accommodate your partner. Your good intent will just not let you rest. And you miss the children, which is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you Swedish. Yes it is abhorrent......ive used these exact words multiple times. They were red flags before our marriage but i didnt think he would do that. It was been one of the most surreal and traumatic experiences of my life. It was the "sonic boom" of our marriage and yet i still stayed to try and fix it but his disrespectful behaviour continued.
What does your cultural saying mean? Thank you for replying to me.
The saying
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Oh, sorry, that was probably badly translated. The saying means good people (you) who have no reason to blame themselves are the ones who feel guilt. People who should be ashamed of themselves don't feel as much guilt. Very unfair. I try to remember this proverb when I'm chastising myself for things I cannot really help.
I think it's very interesting
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I think it's very interesting that many of us are close to the 20-years-in mark. Is this where we all just break? Half a lifetime of chaos and never-ending difficulties, and it's not that we haven't tried. I think we all have to have tried very hard to have invested so many years, and then we just can't take it anymore.
I don't have any advice. My husband has been consistently doing the self-work and making changes, and I am still just broken. I just don't like him. He's been very verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our marriage, even tho he stopped that almost 2 years ago now. I was listening to a podcast (for abused women) the other day that was talking about how you can restore an old desk. It used to be beautiful and just needs some work and polishing to be beautiful and useful again. You cannot restore a lump of leftover concrete that was discarded. It was never beautiful or useful. No amount of work or polishing will ever make it beautiful or useful. And that struck me deeply because I knew I'd made a horrible mistake within a couple months of getting married. I've tried to make it work anyway. We have children, he's a good dad, we had a specific way we wanted to raise our kids that I couldn't do on my own, and I literally would have had nothing if I walked away. But I mention that because you said you feel as if he may not have ever loved you, that he may have just found you useful. So the question is what are we restoring if what we have actually had was never good? What are we working toward? Will it ever be so good that we are completely happy and don't have major life regrets?
You are not alone in your feelings. Not alone at all.
You're on to something!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I was 20 years as well.
20 Years isn't a coincidence
Submitted by adhd32 on
I think at the 20 year mark the kids are past being so needy and the non parent can finally come up for air. Unfortunately with all the work arounds and the household duties the non parent has been just on auto pilot, literally just getting through the day to battle another one tomorrow. At 20 years most teen kids are somewhat self reliant and the non spouse is looking at a future filled with dread. We approach/ed the mid-life mark with dread instead of excitement because while the children have grown, our ADD spouse is still in the same place. They haven't grown or matured. They still dress the same, use the same speech, play the same games, eat the same food, have the same friends, handle problems the same way. Us nons have grown and matured in accordance with our age and our need to get things done. We learned how to do things by doing them. Our victim minded spouses still handle conflict and adversity the same way they have always done, either ignoring the problem or going on a rampage and blaming everyone else. So, at 20-25 years many nons take stock of what is and what could be (but will never be) and call it quits bee-lining to greener pastures. At 20 years one can pretty much expect that there will be no change. Can you do it for another 20? Do you want to? Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. If there has been little or no change in 20 years and your spouse has not done much to assist or make your life easier in those 20 years the empty promise to change is just hot air. The protestations and promises last only as long it takes to end the divorce conversation. Even if ADD spouse is working on some things, the emotional damage has been done. It is difficult to care about the last ditch promise to change when it's been 20 years of not doing anything but complain.
Oh my goodness. You summed
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Oh my goodness. You summed that up more perfectly than I have ever seen it summed up anywhere. And every bit is 100% accurate. I live in dread of my kids leaving home and no longer having them around me as a buffer.
I was married for 31 years,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I was married for 31 years, and I've been divorced for 7 years. My ex was diagnosed with ADHD about 20 years into the marriage, but I had known since before we got married that he had mental-health issues (depression and anxiety).
I suggest that you think about what you mean by "being on your own." My then-husband's withdrawal from me, the marriage, and our children became clear in a variety of ways -- financial, logistical, emotional, physical -- about 20 years into the marriage, too, but it didn't start then. This is to say that I was "on my own" as a parent and spouse and person for many years while still married. There were many light-bulb moments. One of the most memorable is the time I couldn't bite my tongue and complained to my husband about the fact that I was doing almost everything and I resented that he didn't do more for me and our children. He responded: "I can barely take care of myself." My take on this was that he was more willing to make this shameful admission than he was to try to change himself or help me or our children.
Past and Present
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I have to assume you did the best you could do in the past...and now you have only the present and the future to embrace and influence. There is a lot of grief in breaking up a family - which is generally NOT the 'fault' or responsibility of one partner, but the result of the problems the COUPLE were having...ie both partners. Nonetheless...grief. And lots of it. Lots of 'what if I had done X differently?' and 'If only my partner had done Y...' as well as there is often the anger about the breakup to traverse, which adds to the pain.
I urge you to think of it slightly differently - by getting out of a dysfunctional relationship that cannot be fixed you ARE saving your family. You are modeling what it looks like to stand up for one's healthy life. You have the opportunity to act according to your values, show grit and resilience, and show what it means to create something new.
Separation (and divorce) feels like stepping into an abyss. If you are like me, you have no idea what will come next, though you're pretty sure it's going to be uncomfortable for a while. So...here are some immediate next steps:
I'm out the other side. It took about 2 years to really feel healed, which I think is pretty average. And then you move on with your life and your ex moves on with his.
As for whether he ever loved you...assume he loved you and you loved him. But that people change, and relationships can get hard, particularly when undiagnosed ADHD and responses to that ADHD are going on for years. You are both different now. It would be normal to feel used because of the imbalance in an ADHD-affected relationship, but that is about lack of symptom management and your taking over things as a non-ADHD partner (the standard response). That's not about love, and it doesn't help you to wonder if you just didn't properly assess the situation up front. Hyperfocus courtship and all that comes with it is part of the ADHD Effect. Again, the past can't be changed...but you can learn and move forward.
Thats food for thought, Melissa
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
All I have to do is replace the 'he in what you said, with 'she'... What You wrote really helps. Thanks, Gal.
"I'm out the other side. It took about 2 years to really feel healed, which I think is pretty average. And then you move on with your life and your ex moves on with his.
As for whether he ever loved you...assume he loved you and you loved him. But that people change, and relationships can get hard, particularly when undiagnosed ADHD and responses to that ADHD are going on for years. You are both different now. It would be normal to feel used because of the imbalance in an ADHD-affected relationship, but that is about lack of symptom management and your taking over things as a non-ADHD partner (the standard response). That's not about love, and it doesn't help you to wonder if you just didn't properly assess the situation up front. Hyperfocus courtship and all that comes with it is part of the ADHD Effect. Again, the past can't be changed...but you can learn and move forward."
Thank you Melissa
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you Melissa. Im always shocked to get a response from you and i always appreciate the detailed replies. Thank you.