I was diagnosed a couple years ago but didn't realize the depths of ADHD until more recently. I haven't seen it described like this a lot, but I am an addict to dopamine. If an activity didn't excite me I didn't do it, that means the kids time with my wife, didn't matter. I was emotionally abusive to my wonderful wife for years. I resented my kids because my ADHD symptoms didn't obviously manifest until my second child was born. After that I couldn't manage my work and the stress of having a mortgage and family threw me into near suicidal depression. I started to get on some meds after I was diagnosed, but have heart issues so I can't be on stimulants in the past year. Fast forward to last summer. My wife and the kids had the opportunity to work for a friend for the summer where my wife is from. She and the kids left in June I visited once, then came back. In Sept she comes up with a reason to stay another couple of weeks. Which turns into a month and then she tells me they're not coming back because she likes the work and their life is calmer without my chaotic presence. During this time I've been dialing in my meds and things are looking better. Then I lose my full time well paying job to a near full company lay-off in November. I feel abandoned without support after the layoff. Things are a roller coaster from November to June of this year. We nearly have to sell the house because I can't find a job, but I find a program to help us get by. I still haven't found a full time job. I have a couple of small clients and other side work to make the bare minimum work. All this time she's resentful because I can't send much money for her to take care of the kids, but her job is giving her a place ot live and utilities. She got on the stat food assistance program to cover most of that. I'm advocating for us to live together since I'm doing better with my meds, but she's too scared to.

Her and the kids fly here in June and I have them while she does a weeklong job gig. It's the first time I've had the kids solo for more than a day. But since I've straightened out my med situation it's good. We have a great time. So she flys back and I keep the kids for 3 more weeks. Which also goes great. Me and the kids fly back in July and I stay with them for a month. SHe's mostly distant but then opens up a bit. She's afraid to be emotionally and physically vulnerable with me. She's hardened and not empathetic to my situation, she seems to feel that I purposely don't have a job. I've never been out of work like this before. 

So, we're having money issues, she wants to live there with the kids, I don't want to live there as I hate cold winters. While I was there things went up and down. We were cuddling but no sex, no kissing. She finally admitted she was uncomfortable so I got a plane ticket to leave. I'm not back in my home state and our 10 year anniversary is at the end of this month. 

I don't know what to do with the anniversary and the relationship in general. I know she wants to work through it, but she seems resistant to actually doing it. I don't know how to get past this. How to get her to forgive me for the way I treated her. It feels like I was a different person. I told her I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her, but she can't tell me how. I know I need to get a job, but I'm struggling finding a remote job like I've had for the past 10 years, which is going to tie me here and give me limited ability to see them. I was seeing a therapist, but can't afford it now. I feel like I'm floundering. She sees that I've changed now that I'm on meds, but it's not enough.

I'm not sure where to go from here.