I am wondering how many other spouses of ADHD partners experience problems in sex stemming from ADHD. It has been a revelation to me that my problems with my husband are connected to this. It seems he is either hyper focusing, or his attention wanders from me. He seems to get very consumed with his own sensations, and the connection to me drops. This is similar to what happens often in daily life. He is unaware that the connection has dropped in all cases. During sex this is particularly weird for me. I felt he was being unloving and selfish. I would get angry and feel that he could continue on having sex with me even if I was asleep. But now I think it is the ADHD. He just gets lost in himself and his sensations. Also there is a problem with him connecting to and reading emotional cues. Maybe this is also why he initiates sex really at the worst possible moments and continues even though I am not giving him the feedback cues that I also am interested. So I have to outright say no. Then he feels rejected. Anyone else have these kinds of experiences? Any insights? I wonder if I can get him to hyperfocus on me during sex so he doesn't lose his attention to me. It would require him really putting aside his own experience to a degree.
ADHD and sex
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on 08/13/2023.
Sex and ADHD
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is the same about sex as she is about most things in life...I see it as being self absorbed....What ever she determines is good for her, she will pursue with purpose and high/hyper focus...What ever she judges as not self fulfilling/entertaining to herself she avoids or puts off until her conscience/guilt causes action....Self absorbed minds love to control or manipulate things and people to meet their perceived needs...(heighten their personal enjoyment/entertainment, w/ little to no thought about their spouse's)...Not everything is ADD....But high level add, mixed with certain character trait's is what we are experiencing...
Because of her scattered thoughts, avoidance, and inability to see the big picture of life, I have always attempted to take the initiative with our sex life....(It's important to me)...And I've found with her, it's much less chaotic if it's approached more like an appointment (routine oriented)...My wife's first response to my advancements is always NO...LOL....She likes to pretend she doesn't care for it...But, once at it, she want's to make sure she has an O at all costs...Which is good, that is my responsibility to see to her pleasure...But, there is no flip side to that, thankfully she doesn't have to much for me to enjoy it...lol....Self absorbed minds struggle to see the needs of others....Even when the convictions of spousal responsibilities are there....So I can see your issue here....
c
Same thing happens
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
I'm so glad you wrote this all out. This is what happens with my partner and it is such a turn off. It's like I'm not there, it's all about him. No advice, I'm afraid.
Similar experiences
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi
Ive had some similar experiences. If i initiated during a time of hyperfocus on something else, my ex mostly wouldnt continue. I remember one time he was far more interested in finding something despite my blatant attempts. initiating at the wrong time i absolutely get. Then when rejected this would invoke an RSD type response. Our intimate life dwindled and towards the end and i frequently had to remind him oh its been X amount of time. It was quite damaging to me tbh.
Interesting!
Submitted by Tattered Jasper on
YES! This! Now that I've been reading/studying ADHD and relationships, I think I get where the hyper-focus for sex/any kind of excitement comes in. My husband would have it 24/7 if I was interested. And I USED to be... but, like you said, the guilt/expectation just detracts from it. So if it's not an appropriate time (in my mind), he gets LIVID and assumes I'm getting it from someone else. But it's that lack of understanding/connection in GENERAL that's become such a TURN OFF. He's not helpful to me on a regular basis, so I am already resentful half the time. THEN I'm not some porn star/stripper who has had his attention in the meantime, so I apparently "ain't into it."