Hello, all.
The last time I posted an update, I said I was doing pretty well. And I was. I had been doing pretty well for awhile, despite any real change in our marriage and definitely no change in his adhd management. Plus the adhd kids we have here add another layer of adhd stuff. But I was doing alright, for quite awhile. I thought I had figured some things out, solved some things. Turns out - no. I am TIRED of the struggle. Soooo sick of it. But I am not leaving, so neither is the struggle.
This past weekend, it came to a head for me. And I was in - is depair too strong of a word? I have done a LOT of emotional work on myself. I have gotten rid of so much bitterness and feeling so jaded. That is hard work and worth it. But it is also constant, because when you live in the face of the never-changing chaos and damaging ways of relating, you can't let your guard down. Instead I have a cycle of trying to distance myself and then falling apart with needs, and then trying to detach and then being sucked back in, and then focusing on other parts of life and then feeling lonely in those pursuits... And I got so frustrated with the stupid cycle this weekend. And frustrated with myself for not being able to just settle in somehow and not be in the cycle anymore.
So, this weekend I went on an internet searching spree. And I found something that is associated with aspergers relationships, but it also *really* fits what so many of us are facing in longterm adhd marriages that have seen little or no change, especially the highly dysfunctional ones. It is called Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. Here are some pieces of an article:
(From https://psychcentral.com/autism/feeling-invisible-in-the-asperger-world :)
"In a relationship between an AS and a non-AS person, the non-AS person may feel like they’re not having their needs met or feel ignored on an emotional level. They may feel like they don’t matter and are invisible to their AS loved one."
That's a whole lot of us. Just trade AS for ADHD.
And another quote:
"lack of emotional reciprocity
unable to show their empathy or compassion
may not be skilled at seeing another’s point of view
miss nonverbal emotional cues
may not recognize the consequences of their own actions
struggles with impulse control and emotional regulation
may not learn from experience
lack the ability to assess complex personal situations
don’t understand how their actions affect others"
Those are a lot of overlaps with what we experience in our marriages. Maybe our spouses don't struggle as deeply or profoundly in those areas as an asperger person does, but they do have a number of these struggles to varying degrees. And perhaps that list stems from other adhd reasons, or additional diagnoses, or insecurities, rather than asperger reasons, but the list can apply to both. From this list, I see my husband in most of the items, while feeling fully confident that he doesn't have aspergers. Some of those he will even tell you himself that he is aware he can't do those things.
Then I read about the effects this has on the neurotypical spouse longterm. Ahem. Do I really need to list those? We list those all the time! And we talk about how we feel about ourselves. We doubt our value and it affects our very core over time. That is exactly what these articles and podcasts discussed - the longterm emotional damage done to spouses of asperger folks because there isn't reciprocal relationship. That's my dynamic here. Plus all the one-sided nature of who carries the majority of responsibilities, which also takes an emotional toll.
It was all so validating and really hit home that I cried in relief and devoured hours of reading and podcasts about this. It may be silly, but I needed to read that the issue is that it is "ongoing." I mean, I already knew it was. But I kept thinking that somehow I could find a way to see my marriage that would "click" and make it easier to carry. Make the cyclical emotional mess go away. I just needed a point of view! A perspective! A category! It would help! There must be a solution! No. The cycle is there because it keeps happening while I am merely trying to cope as well as I can.
Labels can drive me crazy. Do we have to have a clinical name for everything these days? Labels sometimes hurt and get in the way, but I have to say that this label helped me see that the cycle isn't my fault. It is the natural outcome to the relationship dynamic I have. It takes the pressure off of me and the blame of "why can't you just accept it all already?!" that plays in my head. It is perfectly normal to have needs that resurface when they are not met.
Ongoing trauma
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Label or not, this is the experience of so many non-ADHD partners (and even more organized ADHD partners) who are partnered with people with ADHD. While your reactions to ADHD matter (i.e. don't misinterpret ADHD symptoms as not loving you as one example...) the IMPACT on non-ADHD partners of continuing stressors such as "lack of emotional reciprocity" (or, perhaps, inconsistent emotional reciprocity would best describe many with ADHD) do result in a trauma like response.
Yes, needs will resurface if not addressed at the most basic level. That's why it's so important for the ADHD partner be onboard with managing their ADHD issues to the best of their ability. That's the 'optimizing' management of ADHD that I talk about. The executive function stuff (being organized, etc) is the least of it. MUCH more important is the emotional regulation, the ability to attend to one's partner and demonstrate that you care on an ongoing basis, the ability to listen well and take information about the neurotypical partner's emotional state without immediately feeling defensive - THOSE are the most important skills a partner with ADHD needs to develop. NTs can deal with disorganization if there is emotional connection.
The ways for ADHD partners to address these most important underlying issues include:
Partners with ADHD don't need to do all of these things, but selecting those that are most appropriate for that partner's situation can set them on a path to being a much better partner and much less anxious or defensive person.
Hope this helps a bit.
Hi Brindle2...Acceptance...
Submitted by c ur self on
When it comes to acceptance that doesn't mean your exterior dealings (facts) of day to day life will change....What acceptance is, is the tool to stop fighting it...It allows us to mentally and emotionally relax in the circumstances that are ours, instead of destroying ourselves (nervous system) in thought and emotion of how to change what is fixed...When it comes to family, time is the only thing that changes things (on a carnal level) in any unforced way....Sound thought out decisions are much easier to make when we accept the reality of our existing circumstances....
Bless you!
c
I feel for you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You describe this cycle so well. I'm drawing the same conclusions. It's ongoing, and seems to require superhuman efforts from the non-ADHD partner.
To me, it's dawned recently that I need to be emotionally undressed at home. Which means I can't do as in my workplace and zip up a mental wetsuit to protect against emotional clients. I can't make excuses for my husband when he crosses my boundaries like for clients who make me feel bad ("she's in grief, it's understandable..."). Maybe I'd be able to stand the ADD symptoms better if workdays were peaceful. But still. It's my home. It's my bed.
We cannot control other people's actions. All my attempts at acceptance of ADD have only worn me thinner. Therefore my action at this point is to detach and remove myself from the ADD symptoms.
I'm grateful for this forum.
I wish you all the best Brindle2.
good timing
Submitted by doghome on
omg this is me, my life, our life. I go thru periods of thinking, ok Ive got this, I can handle this differently and this can be a new normal etc etc and then Its back to the same thing, today it was discussing the very topic of me being responsible for our lives. Its the saaaame conversation, my god how many times will we have the same conversation, same input, same agreement only to have the saaame conversation yet again down the road?? Then we both feel like crap and for him he gets to go into his happy place and I feel left out here to deal with it on my own. So, back to thinking No, I dont have this, what the heck am I doing? I feel like Im living the 50 first dates movie. I should record our conversations that are repetitive and the next time it comes up, just say hold on a minute and hit play so he can listen to it and I dont have to be there. I try to be so much more understanding than I was, but its like talking to a wall sometimes, he can go on and on with no emotion and not feel for me at all, I feel like I cant reach him, he doesnt want us to split but yet he doesnt see how alone he leaves me anyways.
Ive done so much reading, so many podcasts, yes they helpme understand Im not the only one but still nothing really helps me cope anymore. We hate to throw away 25 years but yet what are we holding on to ? Im exhausted
Brindle <3
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I just wanted to say hi and tell you I think about you often and always hope you're doing well. I was so happy to read in your other update that you are able to let go of a lot of the regret and find ways to cope. Every day we get through is a small win. I'm sorry your needs aren't being met and I hope you still find ways forward that prioritize your own wellbeing. You deserve the best.
Yes!
Submitted by mpress on
You hit the nail on the head with describing what your task has been all along, and how you kep trying and trying. I have done exactly the same. It does bring me some bittersweet comfort to know that there are other conditions that couples are facing that are just as hard and destructive as ADHD. I have reached the same conclusion as you, that I keep trying to find a new approach to cope, while nothing else changes.