This is my first post here. My husband is not diagnosed but both he and I believe he has ADHD. I'm trying to deal with symptoms, one being hurtful name calling when he gets frustrated. This applies to both me and his mom. For example, two days ago we were going to go pick up our car from the shop. I had asked him if he had his wallet, and then got distracted by putting our dogs outside. As we walked into the garage I asked him again if he had his wallet and he responded "Are you okay?" And I was like "Yeah, I am..." not realizing I had asked the question twice. He proceeds to think something is seriously wrong with me mentally just because of a simple distraction. I try to explain to him why I had asked the question and that I think it's a normal human response and all of a sudden he's on the defense saying I was being a jerk and for taking things the wrong way (which maybe I was?) but all the while saying I don't think it's rude to ask a question twice and it doesn't mean that I'm not listening to you, I was simply doing a couple things at once. Anyway this escalated his behavior where he says "well if you think that, you're an idiot!"
He's called me and his mom idiot, crazy, stupid, unintelligent, unattractive, jerk in instances where I feel I am trying to handle the situation in a calm and mature way and just because I'm not thinking the same way he is he thinks that's the only logical conclusion. Anyway, the name calling is hard on the self esteem and I feel is highly disrespectful behavior to me and his mom. I've told him I don't tolerate name calling, but he just justifies that "well that is the only thing I could do because of the way you were treating me!" It's even more hurtful when 15 minutes later, he's seemingly processed all these negative emotions away and comes to me saying "I love you" and all I can do is stare at him like....do you even realize what an emotional bomb you just dropped and you think I'm okay literally 15 minutes after that? It blows my mind.
With this context, what boundaries can I set to actually help combat this barrage of hurtful names? Anyone experiencing the same
I experienced the same
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Except it was obscenities. And I was this naive, sheltered little Christian girl and he came from a super conservative Christian family as well. The shock when we got married and that started up was, to this day, almost indescribable. At the six year point I packed up the kids one day while he was at work and left him a letter telling him that if he didn't do something about his anger management issues and verbal abuse, I wouldn't be coming back. He DID stop screaming and swearing at me from that point on. The verbal and emotional abuse just changed (or perhaps that was also going on the whole time and i didn't notice because the overt stuff was so rattling) to be far more covert and manipulative so 14 years later I still wish I'd never come back, but that's just the nature of the beast. He did the 15 minute switch, as well, wanting to be all lovey and touchy, then would be absolutely enraged at me all over again when I was still mad that he'd been cussing me out just minutes before. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.
Boundaries are really hard to enforce if you know you can't back them up. I was fortunate that he didn't call my bluff because I couldn't afford to leave him back then or now. I have no place to go. But if you can, telling him you will leave really puts the ball in his court. And it's amazing how much they can change when they know there will be real consequences for their chosen behaviors.
I 100% agree with Eighpryl in
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I 100% agree with Eighpryl in that if you can set a hard boundary around what you will and won't tolerate (and are willing to back that up), that might help. "well that is the only thing I could do because of the way you were treating me!" is just deflecting blame. HE is in control of his responses and that's unacceptable.
My ex used to do name calling and blurt extremely cruel/cutting things as well too. He still speaks with his parents in that way and in their house growing up, it was normalized, which really set me up for failure. What really brought me to a breaking point was when he started doing it with our daughter as she aged and also let name calling slip about ME to our daughter. Of course I tried all the "adult" avenues for speaking with him about this. They didn't work. So what I did when I wasn't yet in a position to leave was collect and write down a bunch of his cruel comments over time. Once I had 3 pages of them, I read them out loud to him all at once. When he heard back at a neutral time all the incredibly cruel things he had said (especially to our daughter), he was actually very upset with himself. He did get a little defensive, but it was pretty hard to defend. I will say this tactic actually helped quite a bit. Because he didn't treat the underlying ADHD symptom: impulsivity, it didn't SOLVE the problem, but it did tone it down quite a bit. I think this helped because like your husband, mine would literally move on with his day happily in minutes. It was already over for him even if I was reeling for days. By amalgamating these comments, he had to face them all again, And I could attempt to explain to him how these add up for us and that WE don't forget.
That is a bit of a band-aid solution though and may or may not even affect your partner as it did mine. What you really need is for your husband to take accountability for this (it's not YOUR fault that HE says terrible, unacceptable things to you) and to treat the ADHD, probably by learning strategies to pause before speaking impulsively.
I love this
Submitted by Exhausting on
I love this! Did you give dates when it was said? I'm afraid my husband would just say I made it all up. I have actually recorded him over many years but have never used he recordings against him. It was more for my own sanity ... when I was questioning myself with "Did I really hear him say that?", or "did he actually call me that .. claim that ... recall it like that ... accuse me of that ... etc etc" I had the recording for my own peace of mind that I was not / still am not .. going crazy!! Take care.
Recording outbursts
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I had context and sometimes the age of our daughter. E.G. "When she was 6 and woke you up when you had fallen asleep in the chair, you called her, 'insert horrifying remark here.'" He knew they were true and didn't say I made it up, but I'm sure the success of this would depend on the person. I had 3 pages of them over years of time and it was hard to deny. When I was nearing the end of my marriage I started recording things too. If I had to fight for custody, I wanted proof of just how awful he could be because there was no way anyone would believe it otherwise. Most people really adored my husband. He is truly funny and captivating in a group setting. I'm really glad I didn't have to use the recordings. I'm sorry things are so bad for you that you feel the need to record for your own sanity. What an awful feeling. I hope you can find some happiness.
I'm sorry you are being
Submitted by Exhausting on
I'm sorry you are being called awful names. I have come to the conclusion that they are the ones who have self-esteem issues and so use this behaviour to belittle you because it makes them feel less inferior. I used to answer back, now I don't, so all the foul language just falls on deaf ears. Whether this is helpful for you or will inflame the situation, I can't say. Just keep telling yourself you are none of those things. You are NOT an idiot, you are NOT crazy, stupid, unintelligent, unattractive or a jerk. His behaviour, on the other hand, confirms that he is possibly all of those things. Take care.