Ok, so I've given up. I'm divorcing my severe ADD husband of 22 years.
I thought I'd feel compassion now. Instead I mostly feel contempt. He's made my life a mess, leaning so heavily on me. It seems not even to have been helpful that I overworked for us. He's just been miserable, lost all his confidence and his health living with me.
He'll probably be better off without me. That thought makes me almost nauseous. As were the hard years all for nothing.
When I was young I used to think it was important to live life in a way that one wouldn't regret. I still think that applies.
Since it is probably equally important not to become bitter, I guess poor life choices are just to be shrugged at though. Ok so I picked the wrong man. I didn't know at the time. I did the best I could with the choice I made. I failed.
Everybody's life is hurtled away in a disappointing direction at some point or the other. In the forum, so many of us share long-standing pain, emotional turmoil and deep disappointment. Why should my life be any different.
I guess at this point it's best to just give up with a shrug and a smile. I'll try it.
Thank you everyone who has responded for your help and comfort.
I'm nearly where you are with
Submitted by Jimbo on
I'm nearly where you are with my wife of 14 years. We've tried everything. Always with me taking the lead. She won't stick with th treatment and this leaves me playing the parent roll. I hate to leave her but at 55 I don't want to be stuck with this frustrating emotional chaos as an old man. I feel you pain. You did your best as did I.
Another 20 years
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel for you. Thank you for replying.
Time is such an important aspect of this, isn't it? Even if we love our partners, it's inevitable to wonder if we can spend another 20 years with them.
I wish you all the best.
Distance helps but...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Distancing yourself from your pain with a smile and shrug is one way of handling this change, but divorce - even from an abusive partner - is difficult emotionally. There is much to deal with, such as:
There's more but you get the idea. My own experience was that by actually interacting with the pain you feel (and there is undoubtedly some pain, somewhere even if you also feel relief) will help you genuinely heal. Otherwise, the pain lingers and impacts your life. Take this opportunity to grow stronger. It may take professional assistance (it did for me - I worked with someone for 2 years, even though I do this for a living) but the investment of time and resources is really worth it.
My best wishes to you in this.
No worries
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Melissa,
Please don't worry. The shrug and smile have nothing to do with avoiding any of the hard work or the emotions about going about a painful separation. I've been through your list above for years.
It's simply a way of acknowledging that life can do this to us. No matter the effort, sometimes we fail.
So many feelings
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Compassion. Contempt. Regret. Relief. I hear you! I felt and still feel those and more emotions. One more... excitement. After what will probably be the very un-fun period of disentangling yourselves financially/emotionally, you'll get to create your new life on your terms. I am so happy for you. Reading your posts over the last little while, it's so clear you deserve better. We all do. It'll get hard still, but you WILL get through this and be so proud of yourself.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You are my good example of finding independence and peace while also making the best choice for your child.
Thank you
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Dear Swedish Coast,
I cannot imagine the pain and difficulty you went through before coming to this decision. It must have been immense. I am so sorry you had to go through it.
I wanted to say thank you for your honesty and advice which gave me the courage to initiate a change in my marriage that was needed. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability as well. It is an example I would like to follow. Reading what you and others have posted have helped me very much.
As you come to mind I'll pray for you to have wisdom, peace, and fellowship as you walk a very difficult path that maybe could be lonely at times.
QM
Thank you Quercus
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You always participate in conversations with such kindness and compassion.
Hugs Swedish
Submitted by Elliej on
Hello Swedish
I know this will and has been a difficult decision for you. And there will be more difficulties to come before you are truly settled. I admire your courage and bravery. This community is here for you as you have all been here for me. Best of luck to you and the family. You get one life xx
Sadly Im there too
Submitted by doghome on
Sorry to hear about your situation, although we are in the same boat. We just decided last night that this is just too hard and doing more damage than good. He wants to move out and let us end this before we are not even friends anymore. Im so sad that a 25 year marriage is ending, this is NOT what I expected from life at this age. We were so close to trying counseling but he changed his mind at the last minute so we are stuck in the cycle of forgetting, resenting and arguing, Im exhausted
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So sorry to hear that. It must be so painful.
If it's any consolation, counseling may or may not be curative. I have had aha moments in couple's therapy and with psychologists. Still, they have no influence over ADHD symptoms. Not in the room during counseling. Definitely not at home a couple of weeks later when conflict arises for the thousandth time and your ADHD partner goes defensive and blames you for voicing your needs and pain.
I have limited hope for what therapy can achieve, and also what I can achieve in the relationship. Its incredibly sad to move forward from this point. I just try to remind myself the separation is capitulation, not what I hoped for all those years.
I hope you'll find a peaceful future ahead.
Thank you and same to you
Submitted by doghome on
I wondered the same thing about counseling, but was willing to try. Even when the issues are identified, the problem lies with him being able to remember to do it, or remember we agreed about how to handle it. Its frustrating for him when he forgets too and its just been an exhausting time for both of us. Ive read alot here and there are soooo many stories of the same things we deal with. Its hard to make this choice when he is a good person, but the constant conflicts are just too much for so long, I feel for him, I know I hate it when I forget the occasional thing so I couldnt imagine it being a way of life.
Thanks for all your kind words and support you always extend, I hope you too find your peace
... when your partner goes
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
... when your partner goes defensive and blames you for voicing your needs and pain....
It makes me sick that I tolerated this cruel and abusive treatment.