We are both 30 years old, we were childhood sweethearts and reconnected 4 years ago, we had a daughter who is now 19months old and he proposed in April this year. we were planning to move to a new place as he is in the army and was being stationed. There had been arguments and fights around his ADHD and his inability to manage his symptoms but nothing that couldn't have been resolved by just talking honestly and openly about it.
At the end on June he text me from work and said he was leaving within a week he found a place to live and moved out, within 2 weeks of moving out he had started a new relationship and has been seeing this women since mid July.
The only thing he said was that he was felt that he no longer cared about me, or our life together and that he needed to be alone to work on himself and his problems but he hasn't actually done that.
Despite the fact that he has said that he no longer feels love and care for me whenever he comes to visit the little one he tries to be affectionate, hold my hand, hug, kiss, compliments me. He has told me that his heart still skips a beat when i smile and that he misses me everyday and wants us to be friends because he can't stand the thought of me not being in his life at all. Last week he said he was looking at photos and thinking about how good our relationship was and that he knows he will come to regret this decision. All those things would suggest to me that he still cares and still feels love for me and it has been so confusing for me.
I have no idea wether i should just work on moving forward and healing my heart or talk to him about things and try to work things out
Not committed
Submitted by adhd32 on
He up and left you. He will always have you in his life as a friend because you have a child together. Your relationship was good for him in retrospect because he likely discovered how easy you made things for him now that he is doing all things for himself. You say he hasn't worked on himself or his problems. Before considering reuniting see how committed to working on himself he actually is. Make his continued therapy a condition to reunite and see how dedicated to the relationship he is. You will find out very quickly. Don't let him take advantage of you just because of your child, you need boundaries with him.
No Work to Do
Submitted by Bramble30 on
As far as i can tell he is unwilling to do any work on himself, in the time that we have been apart I have been to the Drs to seek help for my depression (which played a role in the separation too), joined online forums like these to seek guidance from like minded people, read books on ADHD and learned new ways to support a ADHD partner.
He on the other hand has filled his time getting into a relationship with someone new (and cheating on her with several women) and drinking until he can't stand every weekend. He is in the army so he has told me he is not allowed to seek treatment or therapy for his ADHD because he will not be allowed to keep his job if they find out he has the condition.
I have already set boundaries with him as he has tried several times to enter into a sexual relationship with me without the commitment of our family or relationship as it is 'too stressful for him' and he 'is much happier on his own now'. This doesn't seem to stop his behaviour however
Hard line
Submitted by adhd32 on
Concentrate on you. By having boundries and limiting contact to only things having to do w your child he will get the message that your relationship is over. Do not get sucked in by his empty promises or send him mixed messages. He needs to know you are serious. He has his own issues that he needs to address. Your child needs to see healthy relationships. His drinking to excess is a serious problem. Lying about his ADHD is not helping him if he can't be treated, but that is HIS problem. Your responsibility at this point is to protect yourself and your baby from his bad choices.
Im sorry
Submitted by Elliej on
Im so sorry you are going through this. You must be heartbroken after everything you have put up with from him. It sounds to me he wants his freedom, and to return to the family when he likes. Do you deserve this treatment? Would you want this to happen to your child? He refuses to manage his ADHD, has walked away from the family, started a relationship within 2weeks (which im dubious of to be honest and it sounds like he was cheating on you), cheats on the new woman, tries to only have sex with you but not sort your relationship......this is a lot. In terms of what you should do, only you can decide. But in order to work at the relationship you have to be met halfway......you arent even getting met 10%. Its hard to put boundaries in place but i found with my ex husband when i started to do this i saw the real him. The one that loved me but not enough. I wish you the best x
Hindsight 20/20, i think i
Submitted by Tattered Jasper on
Hindsight 20/20, i think i know what this looks like. I'm with a guy I've known for about 25 years. We only got together in the past 5. But it moved quickly.... what sounds familiar now, is that he talks about his ex the way your guy seems to be treating you. I'm the non-ADHD person, and my husband has been divorced for about a decade. There were therefore around 5 years of him not with me OR his ex-wife OFFICIALLY. He DID eventually tell me that he and her had some type of physical relationship post-divorce. I'm sure it's because there's a kind heart in these sorts, and we/she/you can see that. But there's impulsivity and a general lack of reliability that likely led to their divorce (and possibly mine in the future). I'm sure his ex/you miss THAT. When you're their person, you're their everything ( ADHD in NEW relationships)... but when you try to make a life together, they can't. Not sure if this is helpful, but I think it makes sense.