My ADHD husband frequently refuses to give a clear answers. A much too common example is when someone invites our family to do something, he will totally not respond or say he has to ask me, then he completely forgets about it. I feel like it makes us look incredibly rude. He's the social one so people frequently text or ask him rather than me, and I might not hear a thing about it until a day or two before when they've had to contact him AGAIN about whether we're coming, at which point I may have actually made other plans, and then he decides he wants to go, and I'm irritated at having to cancel MY plans AND having something entirely different sprung on me. I laughingly (cringingly) tell people all the time that they have to group text us so I know what's going on, but nobody does.
Our oldest son (18) is taking a gap year before college. He works full time with his dad and doesn't have his own vehicle yet, so we let him borrow ours. But if he tries to make plans with his friends - if he needs to use the vehicle or change hours at work - my husband won't give him a clear answer even if the plans are time sensitive. His girlfriend will say, "Just ask him if that's a yes or no." My son has started recording the nonsensical answers his dad gives him... even when clearly asking whether it's yes or no. He's a respectful kid and a hard worker, but he is quickly reaching my level of bonkers with this because it is a constant thing he now encounters at work and at home.
I don't know what to do. I can't say anything that makes a lasting impression because my husband will always get defensive and say "I just forgot!" My son doesn't want to keep bringing up a request because he recognizes the vehicle and time off is a privilege. He's fine with the answer being NO, he just wants to be able to let other people know so they aren't left hanging. I don't know how to rectify this. I've been dealing with these kinds of frustrations for a long time. My teenage kids are just now starting to share in the experience. How do we deal with this without me nagging or the kids feeling like they're being disrespectful by having to ask time and again to get a clear answer?
Hard boundaries
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Your husband doesn't need to change because everyone is accommodating his non-commitment. You go at the last minute. You cancel other plans you've made. Let him feel the pain of this instead of you. Never cancel your other plans in these cases. Make him attend these things alone and make him explain your absence. And don't for a second feel guilty about that. I used to cover for my ex constantly like this. I didn't want the cracks to show to others. It's a relief to drop that.
It's harder for your son because he is asking for a favour, but why is your husband the only one who can give him permission to take your joint car? Maybe your son can ask YOU and you can post it on the fridge so your husband has no excuse to be unaware that your son has use of the car on X day. Of course he will still claim not to know at some point and want the car, but you can stand up for your son and insist your husband's plans be cancelled, not your son's, because plenty of notice was given.
ADHD is running the show but affecting everyone but him. He has to start feeling the pain of his actions or nothing will change because "normal" tactics like having a simple adult conversation aren't working. If you don't attend his last minute forgotten events a few times, he may start remembering to communicate them. Failing that, his friends may start making sure you know about them. If you become the parent who gives and enforces car permission, he may learn to check the sign on the fridge before he commits to plans (over time).
It's hard at first because you fear the discord, but just stay confident in yourself that he only has his own actions to be upset with.
My husband did this non-committal thing all the time, btw. It's extremely disruptive. Boundaries help a lot.
This reminds me of my ex
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This reminds me of my ex-husband's pathological fear of making decisions. You have my sympathy.
No more accommodations
Submitted by adhd32 on
For both ADD H and son when he was young, I force their hand. They call me impatient. I don't care. I would not cancel plans just because an invitation he has just remembered has come to the forefront. Keep your plans and let him go to whatever last minute revelation event he remembers at the 11th hour. As far as making decisions, he cannot be given the power to make decisions for everyone else. You must force his hand and straight out say "Can Tommy take the car on Thursday or not?" He needs an answer right NOW. Don't ask open ended questions. Say to him, do you want to do A or B and make him choose right then, do not accept the old "I'll think about it" because you are giving away your power to someone who doesn't care what happens in your life as far as your convenience and scheduling goes.
Non-committment
Submitted by jennalemone on
I try to remember to not cater to H's non-commitment. One year he would not say yes or no to a family trip to Orlando. After months of me saying when the date was and that we were going with or without him because I had a small inheritance and wanted to take one trip as a family, I just ordered the tickets for the two teenage kids and me and told him he could stay home if that is what he wanted to do. No pressure. But that a ticket for him might be at a higher rate the longer it took him to decide. And that he might not be able to be on the same plane as us if he decided to go later. He finally decided to go. It was maddening for me though to not have a partner in planning a fun family event, but rather a detractor who drags his heals on every decision. He gets nervous before any party or event and takes it out on me verbally and being uncooperative before we leave. Then when we are there, he turns into Dolly Gallagher Levi, trying so hard to be the impish prince he thinks he is. One time H was so rude to me before a family gathering that I went without him. He came later. This plays out at me feeling like a &^%$#. But after so many years of me catering and keeping our difficulties secret, I cannot bear being so disrespected. I had been "taking it on the chin" quietly while the kids were young. Now I wish I would have stood up for myself and had the determination and guts to be respected....showing the kids how to have the strength and character to stand their ground if needed. Learning to stand and go your own way is better than being silently manipulated by someone who can't partner as part of a cooperative team. Don't let one person run the show with non-commitment. They will not change unless they consistently feel the consequence of their in-action and non-involvement.