My wife in 20 years has never helped me.She's 52. I have to cook, clean, do the bills, buy groceries, cut the grass, decorate, take her to her appointments etc for over 20 years. I've never had a meal made for me, Not for my birthday, not for Christmas. Never. She constantly acts like a bratty 16 year old and I just can't get her to be responsible. A few times she's drained our bank account to give her sister money for drugs. I've had to sell our old home and move to a new city because she stopped working 12 years ago. I have no friends nor family here. I get the blame for everything. her family hates me because she makes up stories when we fight and calls them to get what i call " negative re-inforcement" Her attitude has always beem " I don't have to do anything I don't want to do" so we fight constantly about chores, money etc. I never thought that someone I've cared for so much can make me feel so unimportant. She doesn't know (or remember) anything about me. I truly feel if something happened to me she wouldn't be able to answer any question a doctor etc would ask. Everything out of her mouth is " I don't know or I don't care" . She's addicted to her tablet to the point of she believes the conversations she says she's having with 80's rock stars. As I write this, she walked out to go to her sisters because we had an argument about her being inconsiderate. She's done this dozens of times in 20 years. For a time her threat was "I'm leaving" each time she didn't get her way. Of late it's " I'm killing myself" because i yell at her because she didn't do her chores or find out our bank account was hacked.
Am i stuck with this? As usual she disappears for 3 days and then just shows up saying she's packing her things and leaving. I remind her that her sisters have families and you can't just walk into their lives and disrupt it. That's when the I"m killing myself comes into play.
I don't know what to do anymore because i'm so sick of being angry with her.
I don't understand how someone can consciously not help someone who has done everything for them in the last 20 years.
You can't change your wife.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You can't change your wife. You can, I assume, end the marriage.
You're being used
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If not abused. Change is clearly not going to come from her based on your post, so it's honestly up to you to end this dynamic. She loves it the way it is and has no reason to change. I think consulting a divorce lawyer asap would be helpful so you can see what your options are. You may need to pay support for a time, but in many places that's not forever because a judge can put a limit on it if she's working age and should reasonably be expected to work (hurry before this isn't the case!). See what a lawyer says anyway. And while you wait for that appointment, I wouldn't lift another finger for her. Her laundry, meals, etc... Simply refuse to do it and shrug away the tantrums. Unless it affects you ( e.g., paying a bill), don't do it. Don't feed into it all anymore. Disengage. You've given enough of yourself to this. Put the focus on your exit plan and all that could mean for you... a clean house, no more toxic mind games, the possibility of finding a healthy partner, etc. Just my opinion after having beat my own head against a wall for 20 years. Leaving was the only way to change things for me.
A few thoughts
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am so sorry that you have been going through this. 20 years of having your efforts disregarded is so, so hard to take. It is easy to see why you hold so much anger and resentment. What I write below may not be what you are expecting to hear, but I urge you to read through it.
First, a few sobering thoughts. If you believe your wife is actually possibly suicidal (vs. just trying to hurt you because you didn't respond to the "I'm leaving") then please contact a suicide hotline to understand your options.
Second. You mention she walked out on you because you were yelling at her. Regardless of whether she noticed that the bank account had been hacked before you did or not, you are playing a role in this. You can choose to yell at her for her mistakes or you can choose to be constructive. Don't get mad at her for protecting herself by walking out and getting upset when you abuse her.
Third, you seem to carry a huge amount of resentment about the fact that you have chosen to do all of these things to compensate for the fact that she isn't doing them. That is a choice that you are making, as well as a choice that she is making. Do not misunderstand me here - I'm not saying everything should fall apart, but the reality of the situation is that you seem to have a partner who isn't interested in participating. Why not? Is she rebelling against what she views as controlling behavior, essentially saying 'you're not the boss of me?' Does she really struggle to do these things? Does she forget, and prefer not to commit rather than forget again and feel shame? Does she genuinely not care? Would she rather be doing more 'rewarding' (i.e. dopamine creating) things? Or other reasons?
My guess from what you wrote is that there is a complicated emotional dynamic going on here as well as ADHD symptoms (they are often related). It's always helpful to understand the underpinnings so that you can think creatively about constructive approaches. That said, you are faced with the reality of a partner who is not currently engaging with you around household tasks. Which leaves you some decisions:
There are, of course, many intermediate steps in there, but you get the idea. A bad outcome for you is that you choose to over-function in the relationship and then feel resentment and blame for that.
You mention that she is lying about you to her family. I urge to think about it that she is sharing her feelings - which may or may not be accurate, but which probably reflect her experience as she sees it. (Yes, sometimes people completely lie - saying X happened when it just didn't. But lots of times people are expressing their experiences, such as "he's so and controlling all the time and just doesn't like me" because a partner yells or criticizes and that's how they take that on.). It's frustrating to be trash talked, but there isn't much you can do other than think 'as frustrating as that is, that's your opinion.' And perhaps all she is trying to do is get people on her side. Who knows?
This may sound harsh as I write it out but I am trying to challenge you to see that while she clearly is playing a huge role in this dynamic, so are you. It's humbling, I think, to try to see it from that perspective. And may help you be less critical and more compassionate - at least I hope so.
Retaining compassion and curiosity over the long haul when faced with an ADHD partner who is rebellious, oppositional, volatile, uses escape as a coping strategy, covers up, doesn't take on responsibilities... is hard. But the path you are currently on is not working - in fact, the two of you are escalating the situation (as her move from "I'm leaving" to threats of killing herself may demonstrate). I urge you to stop the escalation. You can only control your own side of things and have little impact on hers, so your side is where you would start.
Finally - as relates to the other family members she is escaping to. I would suggest that you don't comment on that. It may be a way to encourage her to stay with you, but I think a better option would be to try not to guilt her into coming back. Let the other family members tell her when they've had too much of her. In the meantime, they may provide support that she greatly needs.
Since you cannot control what actions she does or doesn't take, you may wish to consider individual therapy for yourself to understand where you are and help you move through the 'do I need to do this anymore?' question. Talking with a divorce lawyer to understand options, as someone below suggests, may also be helpful. Or, perhaps some serious reflection will be enough.
My best wishes to you.