Long time lurker here, posted a couple of times. My backstory: my 9 year old son was diagnosed with cancer at 8 months old and he fnished his loooong treatment plan and fully done and released in Sept 22. So we are almost fully out OUT which is a big deal. And my husband has been recently diagnosed with ADD this year and is kinda doing ok, but kinda not. It's a roller coaster to be honest and one that I'm not sure I want to be on anymore (but that's for another post). I'm the non-ADHD spouse and will raise my hand that I've enabled, parented and all the other things that I've learned are not that great to do. My husband and I together for around 19 years, married for 15. My child has been displaying some tendencies at times, but nothing flagged yet for a diagnosis or anything yet.
My question is this: how much do we 'shield' our kids from our spouses?
I've noticed lately that my son has taken to requesting to make requests. My husbands under-management of his ADHD symptoms as well as his outbursts and definite disregulation absolutely RULES our house. I don't even know where to begin to try to correct it and it's so overwhelming day in and day out with how much has just been 'left' for someone to pick up and deal with (and I'm admittingt hat it's usually me who picks it up so many times I've been trying to work on NOT picking up the emotional baggage that my husband brings to each day). So my 9 year son makes these requests JUST TO MAKE A REQUEST. So he's literally asking to speak and ask a question before actually asking and speaking that question. It broke my heart yesterday bc I don't even blame him but I hate that he's learned this behaviour from me, our home, our family, etc. We often don't know what kind of mood my husband will be in and simple requests, i.e. picking up something, cleaning up after yourself, etc can be met with such anger and then some days he acts like he's shocked that we are walking on eggshells around him.
But I am just so mad at myself for letting it get this bad. I don't even know where to begin to help correct it or even just help my son to be more assertive (if that's even the right word to use in this situation). My husband then will say something so off the wall to me about our son and then he won't even acknowledge that he was the cause of the distress and then doesn't do anything to repair with our son, and just ignores it and keeps going (and then wonders why our son gravitates towards me more).
Or maybe it's the case that it's best to just keep focusing on myself, showing up for my son and trying the best I can do...and leaving my husband to just flap about. It sounds cruel but I have depleated all compassion and empathetic resources for him. For me, in 10+ years I want to look back and be proud of how I acted and what I did. No matter the outcome.
It's just so fucking hard. All of it. Exhausting and hard. Any advice in relation to kids - specifically when they are around this age of 8-10 years old. I'd appreciate it.
I told my daughter about ADHD
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think everyone has to do what works best for them in this situation. In mine, I ultimately did a bit of both. I stretched myself constantly to try and "protect" my daughter from my (then) husband. Whenever they spent time together, it almost always resulted in (her) tears from his inattention, careless words or disengagement. But no matter what I did, I simply couldn't be everywhere all the time and eventually I felt it was time to share with her that "Dad has ADHD and that impacts his relationships with people sometimes." She was feeling confused by his responses as well as feeling unloved by him and I wanted her to know that it wasn't HER, it was HIM. I explained how difficulty focusing and impulsivity (knee-jerk responses) are part of ADHD. Unfortunately I also had to explain how him picking fights with her was part of his unconscious dopamine seeking. You know, there is something about having to explain all this unacceptable behaviour to your beautiful, innocent child that makes you realize how much you're working around the ADHD and how bad it really is.
Anyway, sharing age-appropriate information has helped in my case. She was probably around 10 at the time. I know she still feels very much unloved by him, but she (now 15) is able to quickly identify his ADHD behaviours and often let them roll off or stand up to him. Of course, this shouldn't be necessary. My grown adult ex-husband should have gotten treatment so that he could treat the people he claims to love with respect.
I wish you luck with this. I know how devastating it is to see your spouse's behaviour stretching beyond impacting YOU to affecting your child. That hurt me more than anything else.
It gets worse
Submitted by adhd32 on
I am older and my kids are grown in early 30s. When they were growing up H was emotionally absent in their lives. The ups and downs in our household were as you described with us tip toeing around the elephant in the room. H was irritated when expected to attend kid related event. He rarely showed interest in any of the things the kids did. Over time the kids just avoided him. He said unflattering things about their friends, complained everytime they needed money for things for school or a ride to a friend's. I taught them to ride bikes and drive because they ended up in tears with all his yelling at them as they were mastering a new skill. H accused me of turning the kids against him and when I pointed out his behavior toward them did that he graced me with the silent treatment for weeks. Even now with them all grown up he is still jealous that my relationship is still close to them and he has a superficial one. He never took them anywhere on his own, no baseball game, no movies, no memories with inside jokes and remember that time...
It sounds like your children are aware of your husband's erratic behavior and your poor young son is now so anxious he is afraid to speak. I'm not sure there is a way to shield him from the discord in the home. You may have to consider separating or divorce since your H's behavior is so intense.
I encourage you to focus on
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I encourage you to focus on yourself and to encourage your son to be more assertive. Right now, it seems, you and your son are trying to protect your husband from the logical consequences of his (husband's) behavior.