Very new to all of this and grateful to have found this site. Married 13 years and miserable most of that time. My husband is 65 and displays most of the classic symptoms of ADHD. Can't remember anything, loses track of time, unreliable, misplaces things, absent from the marriage... the list goes on.
At my insistence he recently had a full neuropsych evaluation that found no problems with early dementia, intelligence or memory. They noted that he has adult ADHD tendencies but could not give the diagnosis because - wait for it - he *couldn't remember* having ADHD symptoms before age 12. His parents are both gone and his oldest sister can't remember either. Is it true that he can't get an ADHD diagnosis (and, therefore medication) if nobody can remember if he had early childhood symptoms? He hasn't seen a psychiatrist yet but is it even worth it if we don't have the early childhood piece?
I am beyond frustrated at this point. Thanks for any insight.
I had a similar experience
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When I finally got my ex husband to get an evaluation, the psych was obsessed with how he performed on his elementary school report cards. She wanted to know if he disrupted the class and turned in work on time. Like your husband, he could not remember. Without this, she didn't want to diagnose ADHD despite the obviously severe symptoms... leaving the water and stove on and walking away, living in constant mess and filth, RSD, constantly interrupting, short attention span, can't be on time, can't follow instructions, etc. In fact, His ADHD was clearly severe, impacting much more than this (low empathy, no intimacy, addiction to porn/gambling, etc.)... but despite it all, she remained very focused on his early schooling years that he couldn't remember. To be honest, my ex has very low self-awareness. He doesn't see that he disrupts and interrupts. He doesn't value punctuality or turning in something on time. He wouldn't remember these things about last month let alone decades ago.
Ultimately, she agreed to diagnose him with "mild" ADHD due to the lack of childhood info. and my then-husband walked out triumphantly telling me "See? I don't even have it." Sigh.
I really think that the evaluators lack understanding of what ADHD truly looks like in real life. They are checking off a list that doesn't necessarily apply to adults or account for all the ways ADHD shows up (past outdated and somewhat shortsighted DSM criteria). It's very frustrating, but perhaps there is still value in seeing a psychiatrist if they have a solid background in ADHD, especially if your husband is still game to get help. Psychiatrists can prescribe and provide non-prescription coping tools, so perhaps there's more leeway there than you think. And they may see the situation differently than the evaluator did. If you don't have confidence the psychiatrist specializes in ADHD, maybe you could get a referral from Melissa for someone in your area or someone you could see virtually who legit "gets it."
I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Not sure where to turn next
Submitted by MLB3695 on
Thank you for responding. I'm so sorry you went through this too.
My husband is willing to see a psychiatrist but I feel like it's a make or break situation depending on who we see. If we get someone who downplays it all I fear that will be the end of exploring ADHD. Years ago I insisted we consult his PCP about his memory issues. White male, mid 50's, very condescending toward me. Concluded any problems were "normal aging" and basically threw me under the bus. Took me years to get my husband to revisit this and I've had to tell him I'm on the verge of divorce for him to take me seriously. I feel like I have one shot to find a practitioner who will diagnose this accurately and if I get shot down again, that's it. He will never believe he has a problem.
There are no psychiatrists on Melissa's list near enough to where we live. In looking for someone with ADHD expertise we've come across some psychiatric nurse practitioners. Does that seem like a good idea to pursue or do we need an MD?
Fools and Knaves
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
They are completely wrong and incompetent. Consider suing them.
ADHD treatment hard to find
Submitted by Lama2020 on
I hate to say this but most general therapists and clinicians do not understand ADHD to treat people. Melissa suggests finding someone who specializes in ADHD and I totally agree. But, it is difficult! I think in general most therapists aren't that good. and I say this as a mental health professional myself. Clinicians will just take your money or insurance and keep seeing you , providing general therapy and just "listening". That is not what someone with ADHD needs. My husband has been to several therapists, initially it was just for anger issues and such but he mentioned the ADHD and no one really helped. He just called another place that advertises as treating ADHD but they said he would need to go through a screening to see if they had an appropriate match. He said, "Don;t you specilaize in ADHD? You should have someone who is a match!" Its very frustrating because most places do not take insurance and the bigger ADHD centers that really are experts in ADHD are not conveienntly located. But, I've decided that whatever it costs is worth it because it will be cheaper than divorce! So now we will find the experts and pay out of pocket for therapy or coaching specifically designed for ADHD. I'm not kidding, I am considering a separation and paying rent on an apartment will cost more money that therapy.