I think my husband has undiagnosed ADHD-a lot of the symptoms fit for him. The symptom that affects me the most is his poor active listening skills. When I talk, whether explaining something logistical or just sharing about my day/experience, he often makes very poor eye contact, and doesn't respond at all, or goes on to talk about something else. Of if he does respond, it is more of a canned response like "oh, that's nice", which has started because I've told him I want more acknowledgment. When I get upset about this (the poor active listening), he can often, but not always, regurgitate back what I've said to him and he thinks that should be enough because it proves that he really was "listening". I struggle with this a lot and feel like he's rarely emotionally present when I talk. When he doesn't actively listen, it leaves me feeling like I'm invisible, like I don't matter, and like I'm not worth listening to. Not only does it make me feel terrible, but it makes me feel disconnected from him, lonely, and hurt by him which then affects our relationship in a number of ways. He claims that I am too sensitive and that the fact that he can regurgitate back what I said should be enough. So I've been trying to figure out if this is a me problem (too sensitive, insecure attachment, etc) or a him problem (objectively poor listening skills due to ADHD which would bother anyone) or something in between. So my question is, do any other non-ADHD partners feel this way with their spouse? Feel really affected by their spouse's poor listening to the point that it gets you to want to just shutdown? Thanks so much for any input as this issue has been causing a lot of pain in our relationship and I feel stuck in knowing how to fix it.
Anyone else really affected by ADHD spouse's poor active listening skills?
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on 10/02/2023.
Listening
Submitted by Tired girl on
OMG! This is a big issue for us despite meds, therapy and other support tools. I feel the same way and have not figured out a solution. The lack of his listening is the root of so many of our issues.
Communication to ADHD spouse
Submitted by sprobert on
In regards to your comments:
First of all, let me say that we are all responsible for our marriage relationships. Regardless of diagnosis with ADHD we need to sift out our expectations, judgments, and direction we want to take.
My wife was diagnosed recently and has a great doctor. From our discussions, I can see that she has been struggling with this much of her life. As a spouse, I was not understanding her behavior. I took to reading and studying books like this one. It has really helped me in times when I expected different results. When she "over talked", which I thought was unnecessary, I came to realize that she was trying to process everything at the moment it came in. When she "didn't listen" I came to find out that her focus was bringing everything in on a flat level, including my conversation. The priority that I wanted her to give my conversation, many times is not there. I realized that she was not purposely trying to ignore, but dealing with the rush of thoughts that her mind had, not mine.
I realized that she was not purposely trying to ignore, but dealing with the rush of thoughts that her mind had, not mine.
It's been a struggle. And something that she has had for years become so difficult when her habits of responding to ADHD are a big part of the problem. Two that I say not only does the condition cause issues but the reaction to the condition forms habits that need to be addressed. I am very proud of her for consistently trying to realize, admit and improve.
I think that it is important to understand what's going on, thus study and search. It is then important to understand how to cope with situational analysis. What responsibilities do we expect every partner to have? You have to answer this in your relationship the best way you know how and give allowance, at least for a while for the condition. I give my wife more time to get out of the house because her mind is taking in so many different things at once that she forgets others on a routine basis. It's important to understand and give allowance for some of those things that are going on in the brain. Good luck in your relationship with your husband. Try to find the balance between the diagnosis and your relationships.
Thank you for this insight
Submitted by T00T00 on
I thank you for your insight. I think that I can try again with a bit of hope.
Finding the balance between the diagnosis and relationship is definitely hard.
I found the same issue
Submitted by doghome on
This was/is an issue in our marriage too, me feeling unimportant, lonely, and disconnected, he is the adhd spouse. We battled this for years (married 20 plus) before he was diagnosed just in the past couple years. He is aware of how his non listening effects me and us and he does really try now. He realized he simply cannot multi task, if I want him to really be listening he has to stop what he is doing and make eye contact. He cannot watch tv and listen to me, cannot be looking away at anything and still be listening to me, he literally has to stop and look at me. Even then sometimes I can tell his mind is busy someplace else and we have learned if that happens, we pause, take a deep breath, and focus. I feel fortunate that he is willing to put in the effort and try, if he wasnt I may not be here. It took his diagnosis, me understanding more about it, and both of us putting in extra effort, its still not easy and he knows its not normal for me, but his acknowledgment of it helps me in some way if that makes sense.
Thanks for your response
Submitted by sprobert on
It really does help if your ADHD partner actually admits to the problem. When my wife first admitted it to me, it was a milestone in our Relationship. Another thing that I'm experiencing right now, is that she wants me to relate and emotionally connect with her condition. I feel like she wants me to be at the same level of anxiety and anxiousness that she is. We cannot relate very well to that. Our thinking and emotional reactions are different. I am trying to help her understand that I don't share the same emotional needs or responses. I think this has been a way of coping with ADHD for years with her. If she can find someone to be anxious at the same level and share the intensity, she feels more attention. This is especially challenging for the non-ADHD companion. We continue to strive And find ways to appropriately support each other without letting the intensity and anxiety of ADHD. Be the determining factor. Good luck and thanks for your comments.
I applaud that you were putting in effort.
Submitted by sprobert on
I applaud that you and your spouse are putting an effort. That seems to be one of the main keys to getting along with ADHD. Sometimes I wish it was easier and could just happen on its own but with true effort it becomes at least a little bit better.
Thanks so much for sharing
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It helps to hear the way that you and your spouse have been handling this issue in concrete ways. Yes, I think if my husband acknowledged that the way his brain works often leaves me left alone in interactions, it would help immensely.
This is exactly what I go
Submitted by missyr1979 on
This is exactly what I go through in my marriage and house! I have about 2-3 full sentences at most before they appear to shut off and both give very obvious signs of distraction. In my head I know it is the adhd and maybe they hear what I'm saying, but the lack of acknowledgement is so disheartening. I am extremely perceptive of body language- almost pathological about it. So when I see their distraction my inner self reads it as annoyance and a silent message telling me to get on with it already or just stop talking. But when THEY feel like talking, they could chatter forever without letting me get a word in, interrupting and finishing my sentences (with the wrong endings mostly). I feel so alone in my own house 80% of the time. Like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. You are not alone!
To missy 1979
Submitted by non ADHD partner on
It is incredible to read your words because you have described my life in these moments ! Every detail you shared - I live it as well. I do believe in body language and see the effects of adhd - the sad part of my partner does not believe in body language . I can see the effects of his symptoms after 31 years ... it is getting lonely now that I am retired from what was a very social and public position . Can this part of living with an adhd partner ever get better ? To feel Hurd in the present moment without having to compete with all the distractions in his mind.
Hard to say
Submitted by missyr1979 on
I'm not sure if there is anything that works. I think that I have settled on striving for better and not perfection. He makes changes at a snails pace. Currently I am going through some really hard times at work and I can only share things with him in confidence. But he doesn't contribute much! He nods and says "yeah.." as a part of the conversation but doesn't contribute much. It's frustrating. There are also only certain times I can talk to him about the effects of his adhd on me, and when I do he is receptive. But it generally doesn't change things. I have told him that the lack of connection makes it hard for me to feel physically connected. I think that resonated with him. He did recently start seeing a psychologist. I'm proud of him for that! Part of me has just resigned that this is my life. I think that one thing that helps is keeping in good contact with my friends. But right now I can't talk to them about this stuff either so it's pretty lonesome and difficult. I find myself staying longer at work and even working in the evenings to give myself a sense of purpose once all of the house chores are done.
Thanks for sharing. I also
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on
Thanks for sharing. I also wonder if this is something that will ever and can ever change: me feeling heard by him or if I have to let go of the longing for feeling seen by my partner in the moment.
In what ways do you feel progress occurs?
Submitted by sprobert on
My spouse exhibits incessant talking. I empathize with your comments about the majority of the time being subject to their thinking. Have you found any good coping mechanisms, or worked through issues so that your Conversations are more balanced.
Conversations are more balanced.
I hope we can all work through these constructively and have better communication. Good luck to you and yours.
In my house too!
Submitted by Elleleen45 on
Yes! I just wanted to respond to your comment and yell out loud "OMG in my house too". My husband can literally talk for 20 minutes straight, if I get the chance to say something, he instantly interrupts and it's back to "his show". Then when I have a lot to say, he'll actually interrupt me and say "hurry up get to the point". Are you kidding me! Most days I listen to you go on and on and on and now today I have a lot to share and you want to rush me to hurry up and get to the point. No patience at all to let me talk.
Many days I think how nice it would be to come to a partner I can just have a conversation with. I know he isn't capable, nor does he want to work on it to improve our marriage.
Getting to the point
Submitted by missyr1979 on
My husband doesn't tell me to get to the point, at least not much. But his body language says it all. It's defeating and unfair, to be honest. Sometimes I have to just tell him that I was still talking. My daughter does the same thing but she's 6 and I don't want to shut her down, but I do want to try to teach her about how interrupting can affect others. But usually when I make her wait, she get frustrated because she forgets what she was going to say. I think that is part of it for the adhd person and the interrupting. If they don't get it out right away, it's lost. I can empathize but also, they do need to learn to be respectful of others. I think they do it more with the people they are closest to. Not that it helps to know that.... I try to remind myself that the self restraint is so much harder for them. Doesn't make it any less maddening though!
Have you considered getting him evaluated
Submitted by N4ally2 on
if you haven't thought about it, it might be a good time to figure out how to get him evaluated for ADHD. If he does have ADHD, then an effective treatment plan (meds + therapy) could curb some of the behavior where you can have a longer conversation. I can't say it will solve it, but my husband is on meds now with a good therapist and can actually have a conversation verses before, where he will abruptly walk away. With that said, there are still times were he will be short. This is just part of ADHD.
Thanks for sharing. That's
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on
Thanks for sharing. That's hopeful to hear the way that this issue has improved for your partner due to meds and therapy. I would love for my husband to be evaluated but I know that it has to come from him to take that step. When I first realized that he might have ADHD, I shared with him why I thought so, but he denied it. I know this is a sensitive topic so I have not said anything since to him. I'm doing my research and trying to figure out how I want to move forward with this. If our marriage is on the brink of divorce (due to ADHD issues), maybe I would beg for him to be evaluated at that time. But for now, I feel that I need to find a way for him to realize that maybe he has this condition without me hounding him and pushing him to do something that he isn't motivated to do.
You are not alone
Submitted by non ADHD partner on
I feel the same way as you . it can be very lonely and draining trying to have a " normal " conversation without feeling every interruptions or distractions . Even with all the years of trying to adapt to the feeling of talking to a wall ... it is taking a toll on me and my mental health ... this is why I have decided to join a support group for non adhd partners / spouses. I have attended one session this week ! I can relate to everyone in the group and their challenges or attempted solutions . You may consider reaching out to a support group. Please know you are not alone - and you can not change things alone either .there is no fixing this condition - it's about learning to cope with the symptoms and hopefully reduce the effect of these symptoms . I look forward to both my partner and I learning how to navigate the effects of ADHD .
support groups
Submitted by doghome on
Its always amazing to hear other stories that fit our situations exactly, it helps me some to know Im not the only one struggling with this. You did mention support groups and I was curious if you wanted to share where you found one, is it locally for you or is it online? I have not had any luck finding one and would like to.
Thank y ou
Support group
Submitted by non ADHD partner on
I joined a non ADHD support group which is a program via Melissa Orlov's links and classes .
Thanks so much for sharing
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and validating mine. I appreciate you mentioning support groups because I actually hadn't thought about that, but I can see how that could be helpful. Do you mind sharing how you found a support group? I'd love to hear if it's a virtual one that I could possibly join.
Thoughts on conversation and attention, from a wife with ADHD
Submitted by Ruthenium on
Four thoughts come to mind, from this ADHD wife...
1. There are some times in my day where I'm really not a great listener (to the point where my husband kept suggesting I get my hearing tested...like when I'm making dinner, when I'm in transition (just came back from work, getting ready in the morning) or just preoccupied or distracted. How is he in different settings, eg, on a solo walk with you, across a restaurant table? Is he better when you're face to face?
2. I've been working on trying to respond to what my husband says by commenting on what HE said, his thoughts and feelings, rather than rushing on ahead and jumping in with my own similar experience. We've been together for 40 years and I am still working on being a better partner, maybe more than ever. Despite coaching, therapy, my mental health degree, and general sensitivity to people, I never realized how often I skated by whatever he said, too caught up in my own story or guilt/shame over what he was talking about or for no good reason.
3. How people respond in a conversational twosome could also reflect the style of their family of origin (as a kid, we girls would tease our exhausted dad in the evening who'd reply to any story or outfit with "Very nice.") Is/was his father similar in his taciturnity? His brother? My husband's family was very in-your-face about things; mine was don't-talk-about-things that are sensitive. My dad, who we think had undiagnosed ADD, was also sometimes unresponsive -- and I don't think my mom or we engaged with him enough about his work and how hard it was.
Also, conversation styles can be cultural--in Japan I learned that you're thought to be quite rude if you don't make aizuchi (eg, sounds like "ehhhh?") in immediate response to someone talking, actually interrupt sentence with those sounds. Somewhere in the Middle East I was told you'd be judged stand-offish in conversation if you couldn't smell the breath of your conversational partner. In Northern Europe, people can be much less openly engaged.
4. Has he always been like this, since you first met? If not, when did it change? Is he like this with others? (That may be instructive.) Do you think he has something else, in particular, on his mind?
(Hope this isn't too much. My matche latte is kicking in... Good luck with this!
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by Marriedtopotent... on
Thank you so much for your thorough response, I really appreciate all of your questions and insights! These are great questions, so I am going to use this space to answer them because I think this would be a good exercise for me.
1. He is worse at listening in the morning (when he's still groggy), during the day when he's working and will constantly check his watch anytime it vibrates, after work when he's still thinking about work stuff, and later at night when he's checked out for the day. As far as settings, he's better with conversations when we are on walks. Face to face is worse and restaurants are not a good set up because he gets distracted watching all of the action of other people coming and going. He does the best at listening when he has slept well, isn't distracted by work (so often on the weekends), and when there aren't distractions around him.
2. It is helpful to hear about your difficulty in responding with active listening, as someone who is aware and trying. This helps me feel a little more compassion for my husband's struggle and deficits in this area. I think I tend to be a naturally good active listener, so it's hard for me to imagine how doing this isn't obvious for others. I can cognitively hold that people are different/process things differently, but its hard for me to empathically understand active listening not being easy. Hence why it feels rude to me when he doesn't do it.
3. I have been trying to observe his family dynamics for awhile to see how this shows up. His father died when he was younger so I'm not sure how he showed up in this way. But I do know that he struggled with alcoholism and was checked out in the basement a lot. It's fascinating listening to how he and his mom and he and his brother interact. They all tend to talk at each other. They all seem to be unaware/or not care that the other person isn't really engaged and just keep talking. His mom, who is a sensitive, sweet woman can talk for awhile even though my husband is clearly bored of the conversation. So I have had the realization that he has possibly learned that to be a good son (partner), he just has to be there in physical presence and let her talk vs being engaged. There was even a time when she was telling me a story and when she paused, I started to say something validating, and she just ignored me and kept telling her story. It was so bizarre to me, but it helped me realize that there very much may be a family dynamic/norm about talking which favors just giving the other person space to monologue vs valuing true engagement. Also his family doesn't talk about anything sensitive or personal. His mother beats around the bush and doesn't say directly what she means.
4. I only remember this showing up very rarely early on in our dating. Most often when we were out and he was busy looking around the room. But it was never an issue because it rarely happened. We've now been together for several years. This really changed after our son was born (he's now 2). After he was born, my husband started struggling with sleeping more and was stressed at his job and this is when it was the worst. He felt like a zombie that didn't even realize I was there talking to him. It's quite a bit better than that now, but I'd say only about 20% (maybe less) of what I say, do I feel that he actually engages with in an emotionally present way.
I don't notice him being like this as much with his friends (though I do notice him looking around a lot even in conversation with his friends). But he seems much more engaged with them which I imagine is due to novelty and more interesting subject matters. I get the sense with me that he is bored a lot, I just can't hold his attention. He is the same with his mom.
Thanks for prompting me to do this exercise and think about all of these variables. If you have any feedback, I'd be happy to hear it!