My long term boyfriend has untreated adhd and refuses to acknowledge it. We've been together for 6 years now but it's been a crazy rollercoaster. He has been unemployed for 4 of those years. He's been through homelessness which I tried to help him through in 2019. I got us an apartment and wanted to get him out of living in his car. But he was really aggressive and toxic when living together that I had to leave him and he moved back with his family. After I broke up with him he has refused to let go and contacted me every single day through email. It has been 4 years since we broke up and be still tries to contact me every day, I tried the being friends things but that didn't work because he's very rude and self destructive. Also for the past 4 years he's refused to get a job, he has jumped from relative to relatives house. And of course nobody wants him to be homeless again. He only wants to work in his hobbies and refuses to face the reality that everyone has to work. He continues to beg me to get back together with him but our relationship has been so toxic I refuse to do it. It's been such a painful relationship but I believe I'm finally done. I've waited for him for years to get a job and do something to be more independent but he hasn't shown any improvement. Not only that but I've noticed he's very emotionally manipulative that I don't consider it a healthy relationship that I would want to have.
Right now we're no longer together or speaking and this time this breakup feels more real because I finally know it's not something I can put up with anymore, does anyone have any resources on how to get past a toxic relationship? I feel guilty for leaving him but I also know we're not getting anywhere and it's no longer healthy for me to hang around.
He refuses to work, given up on his stability
Submitted by Peacefull111 on 10/13/2023.
No guilt
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry, I didn't quite understand. Are you still trying to break off after four years apart?
It sounds like you are involuntarily drawn back into contact with this man. It sounds terrible to me. You have no reason to feel guilt for not wanting further contact with him.
Could he be blocked from digital communication with you? Could you close him off in other effective ways? I don't think you should offer any explanations or sympathy for him at this point. You need to break free.
All the best to you.
Thank you
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
Oh my goodness thank you so much for your comment. Yes I've been trying to break things off with him for 4 years he comes back each time pretending he didn't understand what we're broken up to which I continue to offer explanations. I block him and he has created so many numbers through an online app. It is pretty horrible. I'm a very empathetic person but at this point i realize it's emotional abuse for him to do this. And that he's not clueless and I should stop feeling guilty. Thank you!!!
Using your empathy
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm afraid he has been taking advantage of your kindness and former readiness to explain and empathize. People who feel they can achieve something by pressing just tend to go on pressing for what they want. I suppose your former boyfriend is quite desperate in general and sees you as a way out of his predicament.
The key to not being taken advantage of seems to be just stopping the kindness. It feels wrong for those of us who have been brought up to always be nice. But it's necessary. If an unwelcome caller gets nothing but a cold silence, there's a fair chance that person doesn't ever want to call again. Subtleties are wasted. Let him have the full blow of no.
Get new email address
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Create a new email address as your 'everyday' email location (yes, it is a hassle). Allow your old email address to whither. Do to reply to anything sent to your old address by him. (If you keep replying then you still have a 'relationship'.) Do not give him your new email address.
Resist any urge to respond.
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm glad you hit your breaking point and finally know you're done for good. HE won't know that and will try his usual tactics to get back into your life. He may try harder still when his usual doesn't work. Follow the advice from others and cut all channels off completely. If he uses others to try to get you, simply tell them you've been clear that it's over and refuse to talk about him. I hope you get some good book/resource recos here. If you can afford it, one to one counseling would probably really help you the fastest. It can be tailored to your situation and goals and will likely help you feel very empowered about your decision to break free and the brighter future that awaits you as you move forward. It can also help you figure out what made you feel the need to stay with someone like this for so long (no judgement... I was stuck for much longer!) so you can choose a healthier relationship next time.
Wishing you the best and congratulations on making a great decision for your own wellbeing!!