My wife has gotten a lot better in the last year or so with some of the aspects of her ADHD that were most problematic in our relationship, mainly since she got back on regular medication and we finally were able to have some (albeit very defensive) conversations about how ADHD was affecting things between us. But one thing that has not really budged at all is the nagging cycle we fall into. Here's how it goes..

There's some task that needs to get done that only she can do, like getting a tax form from work. I will try to mention that I need it as early as I can, because otherwise she'll accuse me of springing it on her. Then time will go by and nothing will happen. I'll try to find some way to bring it back up and be as chill about it as possible, and she'll hand wave it away with some version of, "I'm going to do it./Stop bothering me./You have to let me do it in my own way." More time goes by (I'm talking weeks) and nothing. Eventually it will get to the point where there's no more waiting. The thing HAS to get done. I'll bring it up again, she'll accuse me of not trusting her, I'll ask what else she expects me to do, she'll get defensive, I'll get back - argument argument argument - and finally I'll just lean into fully expressing my frustration and she'll get the task done begrudgingly, furious the whole time that I'm a nag who's always trying to "manage" her.

Today's blow up was about our son's dental insurance. We use her employer's dental insurance and for some reason he fell off the plan, so she needs to send an email to fix it. That's it. One email. His dentist appointment is Saturday. I mentioned this to her two months ago. I mentioned it again a month ago. I brought it up last week. Nothing, nothing, nothing while the whole time I'm being told to leave her alone, she's so busy, she'll get it done, go away. Finally we fought about it because I have another couple days to cancel or move the appointment. I keep saying, "What else do you expect me to do?" If I didn't bring these things back up, I don't think she'd ever mention them again.

I wish I could engage her about some strategy we could agree on together, but she won't even acknowledge the issue. She doesn't see it. She just thinks she has a naggy husband who won't accept that she operates differently, or who is always picking the worst time to mention anything.

Worst of all, she doesn't understand how this erodes trust. She can't seem to have any idea why this cycle would make me not trust that if I ask her to do something, I don't always believe it's going to get done. And furthermore, if I ever indicate that's how I feel, then it's as if I'M the one who's done something horribly wrong. That MY lack of trust is a sign that I am failing in the marriage.

I'm guessing some of you are familiar with the cycle. I can't even begin to tell you how many times we've been through it. Has anyone found a strategy that's helpful at all? Or a way to broach the conversation that doesn't immediately spark a vicious defensiveness?

Hope you and yours are all well.

SW