Dear all,
I'm new to the forum and just finished reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. A brilliant book and felt it was written for me and my adhd partner. Tearful at times and finally I didn't feel so alone anymore. I am non-adhd and my male partner is adhd (albeit undiagnosed at the moment). I couldn't manage the feeling of loneliness any longer and so we separated almost 6 months ago. We decided not to cut ties and we wanted to try and work on our relationship as we've been together for 12 years and we'd love to see it work. He is a truly kind and lovely man, I just reached a time when I could feel the resentment and unhappiness taking away the love I had for him and I so desperately want to get back to how I felt about him years ago.
We both want to put the work in from what we are learning from the book, but we are seperated. Is it possible to work on the suggestions in the book whilst not living together? I'm mindful that I can't ask him to come back and live together just in case his commitment to working on our relationship failed and he doesn't put in the work needed. I just can't go through separation again. Also, it was so painful for him, I can't do that to him again.
My main question is,,, can we put in the hard work and focus needed in trying to rebuild our relationship, whilst living apart?
Thanks for reading.
Jo
You can
Submitted by adhd32 on
Each person must work on themselves. Being seperated is actually an advantage in your case because you will be able to assess his commitment to relationship improvements without reminders and prompts from you. Will he set up reminders on his own? Will he show up on time with his work done from the last session? The ball is in his court and he is responsible for doing the work on himself. Be mentally prepared if things don't go the way you expect. One thing you mentioned which is unlikely is getting back to how you felt about him years ago. That was him hyperfocused on you. The person you see in him now IS who he is. You must accept this.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by Smithy123 on
Thank you so much for your response, this really helps. Thank you also for the reminder about him being who he is now and that it is this man who I am trying to re-build a relationship with. We are putting in the work so far and it's the most effort and a willingness to commit to something I've ever seen him do and so yes, I remain hopeful, but with a healthy mind on the fact that it may not work. There's work on both sides.
Thanks again :-)
I agree with adhd32.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with adhd32.
Thanks for your comment - all
Submitted by Smithy123 on
Thanks for your comment - all helps :-)