Grieving and trying to understand what's happened in my recently ended marriage to an ADD partner. I don't think I've seen discussions specifically on relationship repair and ADD and wonder what experiences others have with this.
I've always felt that solving of conflict or unhappiness in the relationship was highest priority. To reach out, talk, exchange perspectives and find common ground was imperative. I wouldn't rest until we could reconnect.
My ADD partner could let time pass infinitely without doing anything when love or trust were damaged. He seemed to feel no urgency. Maybe he just forgot things. Maybe he felt with our differences there was no common ground and I was just trying to convince him I was right and he was wrong.
Even now my impulse is to repair the emotional damage of divorce and be close friends with my ex husband. I know however that I need to resist taking initiatives with him. Otherwise I'll go on erratically half-managing his life right into his next romantic relationship and hate myself for it. It's just disheartening. I always knew he cared deeply for me as I for him. Now while I sit on my hands, his total lack of action tells me I am worthless. It chills me to the bone. Did I not see it before? Or if I did, why couldn't I draw any useful conclusions from it?
Was this just us, or is it a pattern? Do ADHD partners generally reach out to reconcile? I'd be thankful for your thoughts.
The pain is real
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I felt every word you typed. I am sitting in a similar spot - though not divorced - but in so much pain and with them knowing this is the case....but still not trying to repair or fix or anything. It hurts just so badly and so hard to know what to do. I'd love to see if anyone who has reached the other side has an opinion too or a different experience that might give hope.
Thank you Dubbie
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel for you. How's it been these last few weeks?
I know the way to acceptance of our situation is very hard, especially when we've fought so long to repair our relationships. It's crushing to put your heart and soul in there and being treated like you describe.
I wish you all the best.
I hear all you are saying, I
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
I hear all you are saying, I am currently going through something simillar with divorce from an ADHD husband.
Like you, my instinct is for peace, harmony, to repair and move forwards. It's taken me 11 years to realise that none of those words fit with ADHD in relationships. You are not dealing with a regular situation and so cannot apply a regular approach. At times the levels of behaviour bordered on or were abuse, from gaslighting which was basically changing the story to fit whatever he needed, to neglect, saying terrible hurtful things and expecting forgiveness or just denying he ever said it at all, sharing personal details with anyone with no filter - the list goes on. ADHD diagnosis seems to be a green light for this behaviour, that in some way it was acceptable, and I should accept it and forgive it because my husband said he couldn't control any of that. Except he could. He didn't share his own personal details, he didn't like it when people treated him badly and he doesn't like people lying to him, so he does know the differences, he just thinks those rules are for others.
You are right to not be his friend because I have also seen this with my husband. He has innumerable ex girlfriends who all rally around to support him and be his friend when he treated everyone of them badly but because people are generally nice and want to be friendly, many maintained their friendships with him going against the natural instinct to stay away from your abuser. Don't be another one of those nice people, stay away and let him work out the mess he's made for himself. You have no responsibility for him, turn away and move forwards with your own life in the full knowledge that it was never going to work and it will happen to him again and again. You are better than this and you deserve better.
Thank you Forgotten
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You put it beautifully - those rules are for others. Your observation that your ADHD husband expects treatment from others that he cannot offer himself is spot on.
You're so right. Let's not be those nice people.
Thank you for your kindness.
Hello Swedish Coast....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your comments are pretty dead on w/ my experience's also....Me: an urgency to repair conflict...Her: Day's w/ no ability to move forward again...In hind site I think it was probably driven by a couple of things...One, she felt hopeless to change, (most conflict stemmed from my disdain for her toxic and intrusive behaviors) and needed me to accept the behaviors that she felt would never not be part of who she is...But she also felt it was hopeless that I could ever do that...Secondly she was pretty blind to how her life negatively impacted others, especially myself....(Lot's of denial and blame, it's just the easy way)...
It's obvious to me, (Been married to her 15 years, read thousands of posts) that most high level ADD minds, are much better off staying single...Any time a person's life (natural mind) is so overwhelming to themselves, there is little space to consider, and attend to the responsibilities that come w/ having a spouse...Many of the posts on this site, and the all men's site I am a part of, mostly revolve around the fallout created by non-compatible minds...(I don't understand you...I don't understand you either...I need to you think like me....I need you to think like me...I need you to change...I need you to change also)...
I'm sorry you are in a hard place...I will pray for you!
c
Thank you C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
A few weeks have passed with me sitting on my hands. I've never kept a boundary so well before. Knowing you are a master of boundaries, I'm pleased to tell you divorce has made all the difference.
Instead of my pain about the frayed relationship mounting higher by the hour, time has eaten at it. Grieving has flattened out.
There will never be consolation coming from my ex-husband. No useful explanations, no forethought, no useful action. I've finally accepted it. He did love me, but he treated me like shit because of his dysfunction.
I'm done enabling. I'll let him feel his inadequacies and meet his challenges alone. I now own my own home, I don't need to consider boundaries more than normal people do.
Today I draw a happy sigh of relief. Thank you C, your prayers have helped already.
I’m so happy for you Swedish
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are experiencing the benefits of the most effective boundary of them all.... divorce.