I told my ADHD husband tonight that I have been offered a new job and have accepted it. I chose not to involve him at all whilst I went through the recruitment process, as I didn't want his negative opinions influencing me as I needed to be very focused in my approach with this role. Well, I certainly made the wrong decision here. He absolutely went ballistic and ranted for hours about all the things I have done to hurt him during our marriage. In hindsight, I should have told him when I was interviewing but I never know what mood he'll be in on any particular day but as he came home in a great mood tonight I thought the timing was right to share my news. For context, I should say that we are on our way to separating so the marriage isn't great but this has really rattled him. I'm wondering if me taking this independent action has triggered RSD, or if I have just been a very unthoughtful spouse who should have been more considerate?
Did I do the right thing?
Submitted by Exhausting on 11/23/2023.
Congratulations!!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Congratulations on the new job!!
I think in a typical relationship, it's normal to talk about these things. Our relationships with ADHD spouses are far from normal. You didn't keep it from him because you're inconsiderate... you kept it from him because he's taught you over time that he'll be negative/derailing/unsupportive (whatever the reason).
Maybe it's RSD and maybe he's reacting to your independence given the likely upcoming separation. Either way, that's his problem and you should get to celebrate this great news and not have your hard work and success dampened. Good for you and good luck in the new role!
Thank you for your support
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you for your support and encouragement and for articulating the situation so well.
Don't feel guilty
Submitted by adhd32 on
I stopped sharing medical things or work things with my H. He has no idea how things follow a progression. Why can't you just... Because that isn't how it works. When I was sharing information he would berate me for using a trusted Dr he didn't like, or not retaliating against my coworker who threw me under the bus, or not telling off a teacher who was an alarmist (yet he never went to a conference). He would sit and preach the right way to handle things (his way, obviously). I learned that unless his opinion was required on a matter that did not have anything to do with him I just handled it and told him after the decisions were made. It was bad enough having to deal with problems, his unwelcomed, irrational input added another stressful layer to the issue.
Your employment is none of his business. His dredging up the past is childish and unflattering which makes it difficult to have a mature discussion. Considering that your marriage is ending maybe the new job is concrete evidence that you are moving on and he feels left behind.
On reflection, I am not going
Submitted by Exhausting on
On reflection, I am not going to feel guilty. As you say, it's his problem. I too have stopped sharing medical and other things because it always seems to backfire or I have to explain myself when I'm a mature adult woman.
From my experience (married
Submitted by 007kella on
From my experience (married 20+ years), you were protecting yourself from a potential round of emotional abuse. I'm new to the concept of RSD, but I have a PhD in experiences related to passive aggressiveness, sabotage, and narcissistic tendencies. However we define it or whatever our personal experiences are, you have a RIGHT to earn an income that supports YOU, especially if you have a spouse who is unwilling or unable to financially support you. No one is really right or wrong in this situation; it's a situation that shouldn't really exist. You are married to someone who isn't a partner, refuses to get help to BE a partner, and chooses to blame you for their inability to be a partner. (that last sentence is a big assumption on my part; feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I won't go ballistic.)
Thank you for your support
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you for your support and kind words. This is a pretty accurate reflection of my situation. My husband is a hard worker and earns a good income so I can't say he doesn't provide good financial support, but a lot of that money has also been spent frivolously on hobbies and interests - only his - and I have missed out on a lot. 2024 is going to be my year.
Right or Wrong?
Submitted by c ur self on
Strong marriages are built on respect, openness, trust, and Love....You aren't responsible for your husband's actions...Only for you own....
c
Damned if you do, damned if
Submitted by bluepants555 on
Damned if you do, damned if you don't - sometimes it feels better to just DIY things and not have to deal with all the BS.