After a 15month trial separation, i filed for divorce. Its over or maybe the fight has just begun.
From the point of realising he had ADHD It took him 3months to get a diagnosis, a further 6months to get medicine and 10months to start therapy. I started therapy may 2022, he started september 2023. He let me fight all alone. If it was important to him, he would have tried.
This man has done so much to me from sexting another woman, to getting fired for sexual harassment, from porn and camera girls to daily marijuana misuse, attempted dating profiles and flirting with women online. He has constantly told me im wrong, interrupted me constantly, dismissed and diminished my feelings and always pulls it back to himself and how he feels when we talk.
But worse of all he has abandoned me and our family, broke my heart and twisted my reality that this behaviour is normal. I no longer trust myself or men or people. He has officially broken me and ive lost my son 50% of the time.
He forced my hand to do something i never wanted to do......break up my family.
Dear Elliej
Submitted by Swedish coast on
My heart goes out to you. I know you've struggled and am sorry you have had to do it alone.
Everything you've written here makes me think you've done wisely by filing for divorce. I know that's not much of a comfort when sadness wells in. It's oh so hard to break up the family no matter how necessary it is.
I congratulate you on breaking out of this man's influence. I'm sure both you and your child will do much better for it.
Hugs ❤️
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you Swedish. I often think about you and hope you are well.
I lost in the end. I tried hard but maybe not hard enough. I lost my son 50% and my heart will never be the same again. Over the separation ive not been with him for a total of 4months. Its devastating. How are you getting on?
Not seeing them half the time
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello Elliej,
I'm so sorry you're sad and longing for your son.
Thank you for your concern. I'm struggling too with not seeing the children half the time. Also unsure if they will tell me if things are not going so well at their dad's. They are fiercely loyal to us both.
Most of the time the children are away I spend sad and exhausted on my couch under a blanket. But today I'm going to sow some seeds indoors, hoping for a summer garden eventually.
Valentine's Day really sucks this year... yes I do understand people actually die from broken heart.
I have no idea of how to get through this, but they say to accept it all - the grief, the devastation, the brokenness. In any case, I think we did what was necessary. There really was no other option in the end, and it's not us that have ruined our families, it's that neurodivergence. Please don't blame yourself.
I think of you and hope for better times for you soon.
Hugs
You saved your son, he broke up the family
Submitted by adhd32 on
His abhorant behavior and justification broke up the family. You called it quits so your son can have a chance at seeing that his father's behavior is wrong and not to be tolerated. He will not change. Without all the drama you will see positive changes in yourself and especially your son.
You've done the right thing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I've been in your shoes and torn apart because really there are no "good" options. Leaving and staying both cause great pain. If it helps at all, I made the same choice you have and I have absolutely no regrets leaving. Yes, I have a huge new set of challenges, but they have put the old set in perspective - I stayed with him far too long and with distance, that is even more painfully clear. My health, self worth and confidence are all so much higher. Our daughter is measurably healthier and happier too.
If I can offer you any advice, it would be not to do any of the work for your ex in terms of custody. Do not take the lead on making 50% custody happen if it's not in the best interests of your child. You said in your post, "He let me fight all alone. If it was important to him, he would have tried." This lack of effort was true in my marriage too and it continued through to the divorce and custody process. When it came to doing the work to hire a lawyer or mediator, to get an appropriate setting for our daughter to live in, to advocate for custody, etc. my ex simply did nothing. He talked about wanting her with him part time, but took absolutely no action to make it happen. He watched me set up a home for our daughter while making no effort to do the same. He now has a home, but her "bedroom" is a bare mattress on the floor with nothing else at all (including curtains or linens). He moved an hour away from her school so he could be near a casino instead. She can't stay with him in these circumstances and doesn't want to regardless so she's with me 100% of the time. He visits her once a week. It's the healthiest arrangement for all of us. ...On the other hand, if I'd drawn up 50% custody documents, packed up 50% of her clothes for him, given him a custody schedule, etc., etc., (basically done it all for him), things might be different. Of course, bad husbands aren't always bad fathers like in my situation, so if your ex is a dedicated dad, ignore my advice. :) (In my case my daughter needed to get away from him as much as I did for her mental health and I could fill books with how he was an unfit parent.)
You have just done an amazing thing that shows your son how strong you are. I don't know how old he is now, but he is one day going to be so proud of you--and as your life improves, you're going to get prouder and prouder of yourself too. The next little bit is probably going to be terrible, but it will improve. Take all the help you can get if people offer and know that 12 months from now, things will almost certainly be better.
Hugs, EllieJ.
Congratulations on starting your new life
Submitted by sickandtired on
I'm so happy for you doing the most healthy thing you could do under these circumstances. I was in your shoes when I was married to a serial cheater who had no remorse. He did not have adhd. He was a narcissist through and through. He gave me STD's. It would have further deteriorated your mental and physical health if you stayed. Leaving also gives your son the lesson that cheating on and belittling a spouse is not a good role model. You will survive this and begin to thrive now that you have freed yourself from this very toxic man. In the divorce, I would fight for full custody because chances are, he will not have the motivation to fight, just like he has not shown any motivation in the past. The first few months will be a big adjustment for you, but rest assured, you will thank yourself for going through the divorce and creating a healthy home for you and your son. Hugs to you!
I'm so sorry you're
Submitted by ConsistentRock on
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, Elliej. It sounds like such a hard hard time. I hope that you'll be able to be compassionate with yourself and all that you are going through. To know that his behaviour and emotions are his responsibility, and not yours or the result of anything you did or didn't do. I feel you so hard right now, as I'm still in the lifeboat trying to bail water so that I don't have to face the prospect of having my 3 year old daughter sharing time between Mom and Dad's homes - the idea of seeing her less crushes me, and would be devastating for her. It's really not fair, is it? How much we have to give of ourselves to try for so long to maintain a relationship 'for the sake of the family' while they continually turn a blind eye to their own behaviours and how those behaviours hurt us.
Is there any way you can work out a parenting arrangement with your ex where you might get to spend more time with your son? I think a lot of divorced men worry about having to pay child support if things aren't 50/50, but if you tell him you don't care about that and just want to be able to be present for your son, maybe his initial impulse of wanting to share things 50/50 will wane once he sees how much of a dent it puts in his ability to do 'fun' things that will stimulate his cravings for dopamine? If your son is old enough, does he have a voice in how his time is split up? If you feel it is safe to do so, could you suggest to your husband that he's welcome to schedule as much time with your son as he desires, if he's willing to let your son live with you instead of living between two homes - maybe this could be framed as being in the best interest for providing some routine and stability for your son, despite the divorce and dissolution of his family? This last option might appeal to your husband's desire for things that are 'fun' - he can have all the 'fun' activities and outings he wants with your son, without having to have the mundane, routine, dull occurences and structures.