I ended my relationship of 7 years, 5 months ago - after years of a parent-child dynamic, an incident of infidelity, and several incidents of painful impulsive behaviours.
The next logical step in our relationship would have been children which he wanted. But after feeling unsupported and unequal for many years and a series of impulsive incidents over the summer including drink driving - I began to feel as though I couldn't trust my ex to be reliable if we were to start a family.
We sought couples therapy but at this point, there was a lack of awareness that undiagnosed ADHD might be at play. And despite my ex-partner's efforts during this time; completing a build to store the equipment he hoards, helping more around the house, and cutting down on drinking I had become so angry and resentful that I couldn’t see his attempts to repair the relationship issues and after cancelling another pre-arranged plan in favour of something he preferred, I ended the relationship as I was feeling desperate and lonely.
My ex-partner is a truly amazing person at his core; deeply creative, funny, mischievous, playful, gentle, and sweet. However, he also struggles with some destructive ADHD traits particularly explosive anger, hoarding, low-self esteem, and addiction/self-medication. I have been in therapy since the breakup and have begun to unpack that ADHD might have been the cause of some of the more painful aspects of our relationship. This coupled with reading Melissa’s book has resulted in me feeling deep grief that we may have been misunderstanding each other over the years and I am beginning to recognise my role. Due to owning our property together, we have not yet been able to physically separate which has been even more difficult.
With this newfound understanding of the impact of ADHD on relationships, I am feeling as though I want to jump back in and seek specialist support to see if this might heal the dysfunction. However, I am also aware that this would require my ex-partner to want to seek help and a diagnosis which up until this point he hasn’t expressed much interest in. I have recently found out that I have the opportunity to start again in my own place if we can sell our house but I am finding it hard to let go, selling feels so final but this limbo is also excruciating. Particularly, having begun to recognise the common ADHD relationship patterns we were falling into.
Does anyone have any advice on how I am feeling? Whether I should let go, or take the opportunity to leave finally and perhaps look at rekindling once he is ready to face the potential issue.
I am struggling to focus on anything but this currently and I am exhausted
Don't jump back in
Submitted by adhd32 on
A diagnosis is one thing, action and dedication to change is another. Continue on with your plans. Observe him and stop managing his life. Is he seeking outside help on his own or are you pushing him to participate? You cannot change the hoarding, the rsd, or the drinking and driving. Even if he is seeking treatment, that's his mess to straighten out. Treatment would require HIM to engage with a therapist and stick with a plan of actionable goals. Is he committed? You cannot fix this alone. Take a serious look at his past to gauge his commitment to improving himself before you dive back in only to realize after a few months that he can't or won't change. Move yourself to the next step, continue on with your path, and watch what he does. Be aware that he may be fine with himself as he is and your discovery and push for him to change may be the catalyst for him to call it quits. You cannot change anyone but you.
I agree with adhd32
Submitted by sickandtired on
He needs to be the one who puts in the work to change. Also, since you mentioned children, please realize that this is a genetic condition, and he could pass it on to your children. Having children in any relationship increases stress, and there are MANY stories on this forum of relationships significantly eroding after children are added to the mix. Many folks report that their adhd spouse is unable or unwilling to care for the child, and I've read many stories of them not recognizing potential dangers that would be obvious to most parents, like leaving a 3 year old alone in a large swimming pool. You have come this far, it would be a shame to give up what freedom you have been able to carve out for yourself. You say you're not yet physically able to separate. If you still live in the same house with him, you must still be affected negatively by his hoarding, etc. You need to feel what it's like to be in control of your own environment before you can fully feel the benefits of healing. Adhd32 is so correct... just the mere knowledge of adhd really doesn't help the situation. Some folks even use the diagnosis as an excuse for their anger outbursts, hoarding, etc, and just keep on doing those unhealthy behaviors. If he has no sustained action put toward bettering himself, you will find yourself right back to square one... being miserable with someone who expects you to clean up all of his messes.
weigh it up.
Submitted by honestly on
all you can change is your own behavior, and it is such a huge ask when you are so hurt, to find that generosity and patience. That's what this calls for - massive generosity and patience from the non ADHD partner, because your anger or nagging or grief or confusion or whatever if was you expressed to him was a natural reaction to his behavior. It's not unreasonable to feel that way. He might want to work on his behavior, he might not. If it's something you will always regret if you don't do it, then give it a chance, but I would suggest you do so in a controlled and careful way, setting clear limits, including on time - or you could spend a lifetime feeling lonely.
It is always difficult to leave long term relationships. IMHO, the longer they are, the more difficult it becomes to leave them. Perhaps bear that in mind too.
Sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Im sorry you are living together separated and you have been feeling desperate in the relationship.
I can relate so much to your wish to reunite. It is very hard to go separate ways if still hoping to rekindle love.
The sad thing is, as you describe your ex-partner's attitude, there is little hope that he will change. I think in these situations it's reasonable to predict nothing much will change.
You are young, I think, and have time to create another setting for yourself that may also include children, if you want them.
Please push through the separation as a start and take some time for yourself to think about what you long for in life. Something tells me your ex-partner is not fit to be a part of it.
Re: Letting go
Submitted by Angie_H on
Dear Noo92,
I ended my relationship with my partner multiple times. Like your partner, mine is creative, funny, etc. Each time I ended things he pursued me, then didn't change. I think some times he tried sincerely to change and some times he tried to be better at fooling me. Broken promises, lies, sneaking around behind my back to do things that he knew harmed our relationship - and harmed himself.
Now we have been married for a very long time. Every day he tells me he loves me, and every day he is in trouble for failing to keep some commitment. In the early days I did not recognize the signs of him drifting away from our relationship and from reality. He gets lost in addiction after addiction. I notice when he is becoming more distant and more distracted. I end up living my life in parallel with his. Eventually he slips, and I catch him doing something he promised he would never do again. At the moment we are separated.
I have spent years being the adult, keeping track of everything for both of us. Doing with him or for him the things he committed to do. And when I help him, it's usually last minute and disruptive of other plans. I try to be gracious. It is exhausting. There are good times with my husband, and they make me want to stay with him. The good times are never as good as I wish them to be, and I wonder why I stay. I wonder when things will be bad again. I think my husband is mentally ill. He has a weak hold on reality. It isn't just the addictions. He impulsively decides to do things that don't really make sense, and he is very persuasive in trying to convince me they are ok. I've learned to say no firmly. You may think your partner is not as bad as my husband. Your partner won't change until he decides to do so. It may never happen.
No stranger should be giving you advice. I am sharing my own experience. I was too hopeful, too easily manipulated, too eager to accept any sign of change as being real change. I kept seeing my husband's good points and trying to forgive him, trying to excuse his failings as just that, failings. Maybe he's a narcissist. Maybe he has no conscience. After all these years I still don't know. It is so easy to be influenced by others. I have learned to act on what I see and how it feels to me, and this is after years of working on myself to learn how to think clearly. Where are you in understanding yourself? That is important for you to know in order to make good decisions.
All the best,
Angie