Hello. I am really struggling with what to do. I am married to an ADHD partner and we have young kids. My partner has been out of adderall for a week, since they missed an appointment with their prescriber. (this is not the first time this has happened, and I suspect that my partner is probably using up all their chances with this prescriber). For the first 5 days, my partner said they hadn't heard back from the prescriber. I also expressed my frustration that my partner keeps running out of medication (which has been happening consistently for months, and honestly years, leaving my partner unable to function, not making it to work, not doing anything at home, and not able to parent). I just learned that my partner has heard back from the prescriber who was willing to meet, but that my partner didn't want to. Which leaves my partner without any medical/psychiatric support for detoxing from aderall.
At home, my partner has been mostly sitting on the couch, self medicating with alcohol, and watching tv all day. Last night, they became extremely irritable/agitated and started targetting me, getting angry with me for not being supportive enough (i.e. expressing my feeelings of hurt, anger, discomfort and how this situation is affecting our family). I asked my partner to please call the prescriber back (even if they want to continue detoxing off aderall, which i completely support) so that they can have medical/phychiatric support. I told them that I feel really strongly that it is important. But I don't think they will do it. In addition, they aren't going to work which has been a problem on and off for the past few years, so I am worried they will lose their job. And I am absolutely emotionally exhausted, worried about the impact on my kids, and tired of being an emotional punching bag.
I honestly have no idea what I can do to a) keep my own mental health together so that I can be there for my kids, b) help my partner through this detoxing if that is what is going to happen, and c) move forward if they don't reengage with mental health care. Nothing i do/say, including ultimatums, has any impact.
Rinse, lather, repeat
Submitted by adhd32 on
You need to make and enforce boundries. You have watched them do the same thing over and over yet you expect to somehow get a different result. Consider that your children are watching, they have no way to know this situation is toxic. You are teaching them that this is how they should be treated. Set some boundries with an end date. Communicate them clearly and concisely to your partner and make sure they acknowledge them. Things like commitment to therapy and refills on meds would be a good place to start. Their detoxing is not your responsibility and you should not enable the behavior by offering comfort or tolerating overusing alcohol or laying about all day. They are responsible for their lack of commitment and they have demonstrated what amount of effort they are willing to make regarding parenting and their regard for you. Believe what you are seeing and make decisions for the future of you kids' mental health and future relationships based on the realization that this situation will continue as long as you stand by wringing your hands instead of forcing your partner to be accountable for their behavior. Quietly consult an attorney to find out what your options would be if you decide to end things so that you can make rational decisions and have a plan. Work with a therapist to become mentally prepared to be on your own and to avoid another abusive relationship in the future.