*Update: He didn't end up taking the kids to the hospital to meet the cousins. I don't know why because we had a discussion earlier in the day in which we kind of went round and round. I kept calm, but emphatic and he knew I was very distressed by the whole thing. He didn't agree with me or tell me, or even the kids, that it was off, but he ultimately didn't go at all, either. He had to go out of town for a couple days, but we will be having a talk when he gets back. I won't make him choose between me and them, but I will not accept him pressuring me about this ever again. Hard, non-negotiable boundary.
My husband has been estranged from his parents and his younger sister for over a decade. The family is EXTREMELY dysfunctional and his parents were actually very abusive to my husband and his brothers when they were young. I believe his mom has some mental illness, and the step dad has always pretty much enabled it and basically told everyone to placate her. I didn't see any of this until AFTER I married my husband, but his mom took a disliking to me soon after I did (I think because I COULD see it), and she was pretty awful to me and eventually to our kids as well. My husband saw it, and once they stopped speaking to us, promised me he would never put the kids and I around them again until I was completely comfortable with it. I have a (probably completely irrational) fear of them because of all the stuff they put us through, and I have ALWAYS been afraid that if they ever relented at all, my husband would go running right back to them.... incapable of and unwilling to hold them accountable for their past actions or set any boundaries with their behavior, just like he couldn't in the beginning.
One of my brothers-in-law was in a terrible motorcycle crash last weekend. The family all came in. My husband saw his parents and younger sister for the first time in over 10 years. His sister now has 5 little kids that he's obviously never met before. But my husband LOVES little kids, so he IMMEDIATELY wanted a relationship with them. His sister has been divorced several times and now she and her kids live with his parents. He started wistfully telling me that he wishes I would be more open to reconciling with his family. I kind of panicked because this has been my worst nightmare (they really were mean to me and our kids for years before cutting us off) but he reassured me that my fears were groundless. He said he hardly talked to his parents or sister and spent the whole time playing with her kids. He said his parents and sister expressed no desire to see me or our kids, or any interest in us whatsoever. But I have been really uneasy ever since. I would never prevent him from having a relationship with his family if he really wants one, but it feels like a bit of a betrayal to me considering the past. This afternoon my husband excitedly announced to our kids that he will take them to the hospital to meet their cousins. Tomorrow. Wait, what? He's just ecstatic about it, and I feel like he's doing exactly what he promised me FOR YEARS that he would never do. I can't stop him and I don't personally HAVE to go with them to see his family, but WHERE DID THE BOUNDARIES GO??? He didn't ask me if I was ok with him taking our kids to meet up with his family or make me part of the discussion or even consider how I feel about it even tho I had already clearly expressed my discomfort about him jumping back into his family with both feet just last weekend. I feel like this is just a way to circumvent all his promises and reassurances to me by saying it's really important for our kids to meet their cousins - the children of his sister and his parents who have wanted nothing to do with him or our kids for over a decade and are literally only here bc of his brother's accident.
If you made it all the way through this, I am sorry it is so long. I am venting, but I want to cry because I am just so frustrated and sad and downright scared that he's about to force these people back on me and I don't know what to do. But this might be the very last straw if he goes through with it. I don't think I can deal with that toxic family AND my personal struggles with him at the same time ever again.
How difficult this is
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"I have a (probably completely irrational) fear of them..."
First off... everything you're thinking is totally rational and based in fact and history/experience, so don't doubt yourself.
As an outsider, it feels like your husband should not have unilaterally decided the kids were going to meet their cousins - you absolutely have a 50% stake in that decision, especially given past history. I think in your situation I would probably tell my husband that if he wants a relationship with his family, he can certainly have one (it's his family after all), but that it can't include me or the kids because of what happened in the past. Full stop. I know this is family, but you have every right to protect yourself and your children from potentially mentally ill/dangerous/abusive/mean people no matter who they are.
If he can't accept that, then maybe it's time to share with him your last paragraph - that this is your last straw.
If there is a danger here, I would also consider getting the kids out of the house before he has a chance to tomorrow... only if he won't listen to reason. That's not at all ideal, but sometimes reasonable communication doesn't work and you have to put the safety of your kids first.
Thank you
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
You have confirmed my gut feelings.. At the very least I feel like he should have asked me if I was ok with it before he told the kids. (We go through this kind of thing all the time. He tells the kids something, and THEN asks me after the fact even tho he and I are the parents, and I feel like I should get a say BEFORE he runs it by the committee. I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing that, and he says he just gets excited and forgets. But this is especially important this time considering how big and ugly this situation is.)
There is no physical danger, but I know the 10 years he subjected me to his parents manipulation and abuse with no boundaries damaged ME, and I was an adult. I don't want them to mess with my kids. I have tried really hard to shield them as much as possible from the fallout on that side of the family, and stand in the gap when necessary in dealing with their dad. He treats boundaries as if they're a problem. If you have boundaries with someone, you are not being loving or not being forgiving. I can't make him understand that boundaries are the only healthy way to have good relationships.
Don't get between them
Submitted by adhd32 on
I understand your reluctance but don't get in the middle. You don't have to participate. My mother did this when I was a kid, she kept us away from my Dad's extended family. They didn't measure up to her standards. We were a blue collar family and mom's sights were set on a college bound children. I never knew my cousins on Dad's side until mid-life and never understood why. Mom's refusal to engage and Dad's inability to challenge her stole the potential relationships that could have been.
Your children are not yours alone, he doesn't need your permission to be their father.. They are his as well as yours. You chose him for their father and he has just as much right to engage in a relationship with his family as you do with your family. You have every right to cut yourself off from them if you feel justified. But to stand in the way of a potential reconciliation he may have with his family is not good. Maybe nothing will ever come of it, or maybe something good will. You can always go back to cutting them out.
I'm not
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I won't get in the way, but I'm upset that he flipped on me like this. I'm upset that he said he would never do this, and he's doing it, but just cutting me out of having any say at all when these are MY kids as well. I'm upset that he has repeatedly said he would never subject our kids and me to that again, and the first opportunity that presents itself for him to do so, he's running toward it. It would be fine if we just didn't get along or see eye to eye with them. But it is so much worse than that. And bc he grew up in that kind of toxic environment, he brushes it off as no big deal. The parents don't have good relationships with any of their adult kids except the daughter because she needs to be supported. They don't have friends, they don't have family because they are "religious" and nobody else is right enough with God for them to truly fellowship with. They live alone out in the middle of the woods. These are NOT good people. They are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. They controlled my husband and leveraged him to try to control me, as well. This is no small thing. This is a big thing.
Trust
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Im so sorry Eighpryl. It seems to me the core of this issue is that your husband breaks his promises to you, leaving you and possibly your children exposed to threat.
I have had similar experiences and found that the in-laws weren't the worst. It was his inability to protect me from them. I realized if I could have dealt with them independently, I could have protected myself and not been afraid. But bound to him, his loyalty to them and his disability, I felt immensely threatened.
It was one of the most frightful aspects of our marriage.
Even if your children could benefit from contact with the extended family, it doesn't mean it's acceptable for your spouse to make single-handed decisions like he's done.
I really feel for you. So painful.
Thanks, Swedish
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It's been so long since we've been around them at all. I thought that maybe he really would keep us away from them forever.
It IS very much that he wouldn't protect us. He didn't have boundaries for them with himself, so he didn't set any when it came to how they treated me or the kids. He would get really mad at them and blow up at them if they mistreated us, but never actually say "if you can't respect my wife or be kind to my children, we will not be around you". The next day he'd be over being mad and forget that anything ever happened until it happened again. And he'd always ride my case about being the better person when I stopped wanting to put myself and the kids around them. It got to the point where I would have panic attacks when he invited them over and he would get mad at ME for it because he thought I was just being dramatic.
No, I would have never tolerated their kind of behavior myself. I had no way to stop it or remove myself or my kids from it. I didn't have any family or friends around, and we only had one vehicle at the time.
I really don't see how our kids could benefit in any way from contact with these people. They blatantly favored my husband's brother's kids, to the point where all my brothers-in-law could see it and found it disturbing. They were harsh with our kids and my husband's mother made it a point to frequently and glowingly tell me how well-behaved and how smart the other grandkids were, never complimenting our kids at all. I knew what she was doing and didn't pay any attention bc I already believed her to be unhinged, but it really hurt my husband's feelings. Our kids were sweet and well-behaved, but since they would only ever spend time with the other grandkids, they were also very shy around them. My husband's mom said it was because I was teaching our kids not to like them. Since she didn't like me, she blamed anything she didn't like about our kids on me, which seemed like everything because they reminded her of me. It really was a horrible situation.
Mother in law
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Your mother in law seems as dysfunctional as they come. I do understand you want to keep the children away from your husband's family.
So sad that this is in the mix for you, too. It would be plenty to deal with only your husband's unfortunate behavior you've described earlier.
I don't know what we can do in these instances. I needed to break off contact with my mother in law many years ago but have encouraged her seeing the children. That's because she's great with them and has singled only me out for dislike and blame. If I thought she would harm the children, that would be another story entirely. I think if I had refused contact on their part, that would have been the end of my marriage then and there. The conflict with my husband about just me not wanting to see his mother was literally poison to our marriage and contributed to the death of it.
And I am also so sorry that
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
And I am also so sorry that you've had experience with this as well. It truly is painful when you can't count on your partner to have your back with their family... especially if the family is unhealthy.
scary
Submitted by honestly on
I feel for you. I've had similar- though not as extreme- difficulties with ADHD spouse, where agreements we have made break down the instant someone else wants something different to happen. It used to be his ex girlfriend (!) or parents (who lived nearby and wouldn't let us have any space at all) but it can be anybody who wants anything really. When I point out the conflict he will say 'It's okay, I'll handle it' and then he'll handle it by doing exactly what the other person wants. The feeling of your partner not having your back, not being on your side, not wanting to protect you is horrible. I don't know if this is 'inattention' or hyperfocus or what but your experience really chimed with me.
I'm sorry
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I'm sorry you can relate to this experience. It's really hard to have so much difficulty within our marriages and have an unhealthy inlaw situation on top of it. Either problem all by itself is a lot. But both is too much.
This is really tough
Submitted by nefun76 on
I really emphatize with you as this is a truly difficult situation . I think what you must realize and accept is family will always be family . In as much as we married our spouses , there is that"blood is thicker than water ' adage that will always exists. My advice is to let go of any real or imagined expectation that your husband has chosen you especially over his family. He has not and will still fall back no matter the length of time or the promises made .
Once you are armed with this reality you can start making accomodation for yourself that benefit you. If you kids are old enough, sit down with them and have this conversation . Any sign of abuse or I'll-treatment from their dad's family, you will step in and cut them off. If the kids are too young , you have to protect them by standing up for both you and the kids . The reason your in law may also bully you is perhaps you don't stand up to them . I know it's not ideal and it can cause more conflict but you are between the devil and the deep blue sea. Choose your hard . If you are not the confrontational type you must devise m other means .
For me my ex has no siblings and his parents are deceased so it's quite easy . His extended family don't like responsibilities like him so they conveniently stay away..lol.
I am rooting for you ❤️
Thanks, Nefun76
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It was a shock to me. I think I've wrestled with the trauma enough this week to find the core issue. We will be having a talk before comes up again. He doesn't have to choose between us, but there will be other non-negotiable boundaries.
My husband allowed them to mistreat the kids and I bc he worked for them, and any time he challenged anything, they would threaten his job. I was always the better person, and I have no regrets about my behavior, but when he finally allowed me to confront them about what they were doing and actually speak for myself, they wanted him gone. His other business was just taking off and we were able to start relying on that. He was glad to not be working for them, relieved to not have their pressure and drama all the time. Though I never 100% trusted he wouldn't want back in with them if the opportunity ever arose, I thought he'd at least honor his word to me. So this whole situation really blindsided me.