So I'm not sure if this is the right forum as I've just been diagnosed ADHD myself. First this made it even harder to understand my relationship. My partner has bedtime revenge issues causing sleep loss and morning rage. I do not because I've known since I was a teen I need loads of sleep. He uses his powers of perception to tell others (inc me) what is wrong with them. I use mine for empathy. My partner has no friends. I have dozens inc ten or so very close friends. My partner parents his kids permissively and impulsively. I was a Gina Ford mama and I'm authoritative. My kid behaves beautifully while one of my partner's kids is on the verge of failing in a specialist behavior school. 

I definitely now know my struggles - perfectionism, people pleasing, burnout, missing important details at work, being disorganised unless really careful - are caused by ADHD. But how did I know to manage myself my whole life before getting diagnosed at 45? Why does my partner - and so many men we discuss on here - not manage himself well? He was diagnosed years ago and since I knew him he has been medicated. 

I have just started my meds and I have so much clarity. ADHD is an explanation but it's not an excuse or a free pass. It's a superpower (like the force in Star Wars) if used for good to fight for the right causes and be an empathetic friend and focus on useful work. It's good to question authority and have an independent mind. But if it's used for interpersonal conflict, to get a kick out of winning point scoring, to be defiant for its own sake and to perceive unkindly, it's Darth. The dark side. 
 

There's no reason to pity anyone for having ADHD or to compensate for them or clean up their mess. No one did for me for 45 years and I'm a successful and popular person. The final bit of clarity I have from taking meds is that my relationship has to end. There's no problem with picking someone who has ADHD but they have to be someone who's using their ADHD wisely rather than letting it mess up their lives.