I've spent hours reading posts on this forum, like everyone else, your stories of ADD H, could be mine. Just recently realised that ADD is what is going on with H, after our son was diagnosed a year ago. Could never explain H's behaviours, always knew something was different but due to his being a rather avoidant and passive person who doesn't have the anger issues (well external anyway, have since realised he has successfully internalised it into passive aggression), but soon after marriage everything went downhill. Have begged him to get help, promises and no action is always the result. Every few months I find myself saying I can't do this for the rest of my life, but I see no way out.... Financially we're at rock bottom, 2 kids both with their own issues, and H is a very good man who "tries" very hard, but seems to never get it right. I've felt lonely, unfulfilled, anxious for 2 decades. It would crush him to lose this marriage as he is totally dependent on me emotionally and for keeping his life together, and I could never break up the family for what feels like my own selfishness. But, I've lived a completely empty and shallow life because I've spent so much time, money and attention on managing him and the fallout. I fantasise about having a man who can take the tiniest bit care of me, of not wearing the pants and being the driver 99% of the time. Sometimes I wonder if it would be the worst thing to quietly find someone that just from time to time can give me that so that I can stay the course. Its completely not the way I was raised, and I'm shocked at myself for even thinking this, but I can't see a way out and I'm tired of dying on the inside and being exhausted on the outside. I just cannot see a way out that wouldn't do so much harm to everyone, just so that I can feel a little fulfilled. Does anyone have these kinds of thoughts? I used to be a very romantic, fun person, loved planning surprise things, finding the perfect gift for H, sensual and adventurous, and now im just exhausted and aloof with him due to all the disappointments. I want to be myself again, and worry that the kids are not seeing what a healthy, balanced and fulfilling marriage should be. But I cannot see a way out, and I cannot stay like this and betray myself much longer - such a sad sad situation!
Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave
Submitted by Haveaniceday on 03/25/2024.
it’s not selfishness
Submitted by honestly on
I know exactly how you feel. I feel it too. The need for nurture, for care, for a little effort made for you, not just by you. For something nice to happen that you didn't have to sort out for yourself. Not to be the driver. I have felt that I should simply be allowed to have an affair to give me some of what was missing in my primary relationship. I haven't, though.
I would suggest that it's not selfish to end your relationship, though. If you model the current dynamic to your kids, they could well replicate it. If Mom is just a bit sad all the time, that's not going to do them any good at all. And your husband is after all is a grown man, however dependent he has let himself become. He can't be happy either. You might be doing the best thing by everyone by separating. You would, of course, have to drive this too, which wouldn't be easy.
I can't say that having an affair is okay or not okay. I haven't done it. Short term, it'll seem easier than separating, and it might well give you some of what you need. If I were your friend and knew your situation I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. But if your kids found out, it's not impossible they would find that harder to deal with than a separation. They might blame you. And you, too, could end up heartbroken by the end of the affair, and then have to carry that sadness too.
The least pain, I'd say, is what to aim for. But include your pain, and the effect of your pain on your kids and husband, in the equation. It is not enough for you to function and serve. It's not enough for your kids' sake as well as your own.
Thank you for your reply, its
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you for your reply, its a very sad situation we find ourselves in. I do take full responsibility for the fact that I accepted less than I should have early on and that was due to my own issues, which I have since worked very hard on healing.
It's awful, but I feel happier when we are not that close, it gives me fresh air and the ability to reconnect with myself again. I worry that the emotional distance will make things worse than tbey are, but I cannot force myself to keep things close and more together at this stage. So we're "peacefully" going through the motions, and I'm wondering how long it can go on for as we are both unhappy, but he avoids conflict at all costs so it could go on for a very long time. But because we get on well (in a platonic way) and are in a situation where separation and divorce is near impossible, we're going for stability and peace for now. You're right, anything more active would be my responsibility and I'm just too exhausted to really care.
So a parenting marriage it is, for now. Which I am actually on board with until further notice, but he isnt as he is more traditional than me.
Because of his passivity he will wait forever, until I make a move, to be closer and repair things or to separate etc. Its like living with a 2D cut-out of a person sometimes!
it feels a bit like a gaslighting situation sometimes because there is nothing terribly WRONG or BAD, - no abuse or lack of trust, but there is just so much missing. I love life and need variety and to experience things, which is what I thought the purpose of marriage was, but tbh if I don't make the plans we would literally sit home and watch TV, which drives me nuts - I don't want to watch life happen, I want to live it! But if I bring this topic up he says he also wants to, we must do things, he agrees! But he has never planned anything unless he was under duress and in panic mode because I was pulling away.
Which brings me to the next weird thing. The moment I allow myself to soften and get close, he feels secure again, and all efforts stop. Its like he needs to be under threat to action anything. I guess that's the ADD...
‘he feels secure again, and all efforts stop’
Submitted by honestly on
This is SO familiar. We reach a crisis, I melt down and can't cope, say I want to end things, he promises to work on it. So I pull myself together and put my shoulder to the wheel... and he gets comfy and drifts off back into the same old behavior that left me overwhelmed and desperate in the first place. We've been round this track a few times now. This time round I'm just stepping back, emotionally and practically. I am not putting my shoulder to the wheel. I am not trying. And so he's not getting comfy and it turns out he can in fact do all the stuff he couldn't/wouldn't do before! He isn't even medicated and he can do this! His wellbeing is threatened by my wanting to leave, and now he CAN make a meal and pick the kids up from school. The sad thing is that I don't feel grateful or relieved; I mostly feel numb but with a little kick of irritation that he couldn't be bothered to do it for me, years ago, when the kids were little and i still had a career. The kids are grown and my career is stalled and if I had just had a little more support... the bare minimum, really. But anyway. I no longer care if he does stuff or doesn't, so really all this effort is pointless. I feel for him - but I also feel for me. I don't like living like this any more than he does.
Yes. In short. Same thing. Will make an effort, but only if his own well-being is under threat. Once the threat is gone, the effort's gone too.
Unflattering selfishness
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This is a very unflattering aspect of ADHD. The not being able to rise to the occasion unless there is an acute threat that the support system will break. It's humiliating how I've struggled with our joint responsibilities to maintain that selfishness.
In fact it's so painful I mostly try to not think about it nowadays. It's dysfunction, not a chosen strategy by the ADHD spouse of course. But it's extra hard to accept since it's insanely unattractive.
Well said, it is indeed
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Well said, it is indeed unflattering and unattractive. And at some point that also works against the relationship, perfectly attractive partner can begin to look unattractive after years of this negative cycle. It's very painful to think about, you're so right.
Thank you for your reply, I
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you for your reply, I typed a whole long reply from my mobile phone but somehow it didn't post...
You've made some good points, it's a sad state of limbo tbh, as unless I make a move towards the relationship, or away from it, nothing will shift. My H will passively wait until my next move, as he somehow doesn't have the ability to be proactive for much. It's like living with a 2D cardboard cutout, absolutely harmless and looks good from a certain angle, but somehow there is just something missing!
Agree
Submitted by triedit on
Agree wholeheartedly. I did the math only from my perspective. I didn't account for my husband's pain.
include and indeed prioritize
Submitted by honestly on
include and indeed prioritize yours, though. X
You can have my hindsight
Submitted by triedit on
I thought the exact same way as you. And went the affair route. It fixed enough for a while, bought me some time really. It worked until it didn't and now things are a mess. I'm sad we don't get to take our life lessons back in time to use them on ourselves so instead I'll give mine to you. I don't know what the path I didn't take would have looked like. But an affair is so heavy. Just tell him you know he probably can't see where you're coming from but that you have to choose 'you' and ask to separate.
Thank you, I will graciously
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you, I will graciously accept. This sounds very difficult and I am sorry that your situation has become so hurtful. I don't have the option just yet to even contemplate a separation although it feels like we are actually heading that way whilst living under same roof. I am strengthening myself and getting my ducks in a row financially, but it'll take time. I'm the eternal optimist and hope that that won't be the ultimate conclusion but I am preparing for the worst: financially, emotionally and practically. While others of our age are starting to reap the fruits of their first half of life, we are still surviving from crisis to crisis, and thats the bus I want to get off of!!!
Sorry youre going through this
Submitted by HelpWanted2022 on
I really resonate with your post. I am in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. In small ways he does take care of me. He is often the one who cooks for me or picks me up from work and brings me home. But in the big ways its always me. Financially I am the one making all the decisions. In our life and relationship the same. We dont have any children but I worry that if or when we do its only going to become more difficult because I will just have more people to take care of and noone is going to be taking care of me (including myself). its very hard to know what to do but when you said "I dont think I can do this for the rest of my life" i really felt that and felt for you. ADHD is a really weird condition.
I have spent 2.5 years in
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
I have spent 2.5 years in therapy learning to take care of myself, not first, but too. It's been very hard, as my childhood issues set me up nicely for a situation in which I "over caretake" without realising, until the resentment, anxiety and burnout becomes intolerable to my physical and mental health. So I am relearning and applying the learnings to my daily life slowly, because until I get this right I won't make the right decision re the marriage and I am scared of making the same mistake again. Kids are the most wonderful thing that ca happen to you, but it will exacerbate the situation at hand - pls think carefully before you go down that road!
I have spent 2.5 years in
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
I have spent 2.5 years in therapy learning to take care of myself, not first, but too. It's been very hard, as my childhood issues set me up nicely for a situation in which I "over caretake" without realising, until the resentment, anxiety and burnout becomes intolerable to my physical and mental health. So I am relearning and applying the learnings to my daily life slowly, because until I get this right I won't make the right decision re the marriage and I am scared of making the same mistake again. Kids are the most wonderful thing that can happen to you, but it will exacerbate the situation at hand - pls think carefully before you go down that road!
You deserve to be healthy and happy
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I was you. You're not being selfish at all to not wish to live the rest of your days - the ONLY days you've got - living "a completely empty and shallow life."
If you can, I would encourage you to see a therapist specializing in women and relationships. You may have options that you can't see clearly because you're so deep in the mess. I left and it was dreadfully hard. BUT three years later, I can tell you my health and mind are night and day and I have zero regrets. Our daughter is also grateful I left and glad to be out of the chaos. Single parenting is far easier without someone consistently making it harder. My financial future is challenging as a single, but at least now I'm the one charting the course. He is still in denial about ADHD and I have learned how to detach and not feel responsible for another adult who could get help if he wanted to.
You can give yourself a chance to have that relationship you desire too. There are ex-partners on this forum who left their dysfunctional partners and can't believe how wonderful it feels to be in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. I get wanting an affair and wouldn't blame you if you did, honestly. But it's a short term bandaging of a permanent problem, unfortunately, and the kind of men willing to engage may ultimately not end up being the healthiest for you on that side either. You deserve someone's best and you deserve to hold the remote control for your own life.
Highly recommend the adhd_partners subreddit to you. I just want you to know that there are others who've been in your shoes and even though it feels impossible to get out, it can be done. I only wish I'd done it sooner (married 20 years).
P.S. It's not selfish not to want to sacrifice your entire life to support someone else's (treatable!) disorder.
Feel the same way
Submitted by Tired girl on
Wow, so much of what you wrote rings true for me! I feel your, pain, sadness and frustration. We don't have kids but I've felt the same way for so long and am getting to the point where I don't think I can keep trying to make it work any longer.
Honestly, if there are no
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Honestly, if there are no kids in the picture I would take a long, hard look at whether there is enough for you to be able to stay forever. Its not to say if you left you'd magically find the perfect partner, but the pain of being with someone with whom you have a half a relationship only gets worse. But if you leave while you have time to a) heal yourself and b) give yourself the opportunity of finding a more healthy partner, then I would say that is better than living the way so many of us on this forum have.
Don’t get too invested
Submitted by nefun76 on
Your story is 100% like mine - same ADD traits but to my utmost surprise he packed his bags and ran off with another woman. He said he was deeply unhappy and I have been parenting and emasculating him for 15yrs
No regard for all I had to do to manage him, his 5 failed businesses and our kids. Trust me he can take care of himself - the co-dependency you see or thinking. It's a reason he woul ll and survive without is an illusion . ADD or not they can take care of themselves . Infact my ex claims he's happier that he has his own space now.
Put your feelings and needs right beside your H and not behind .