Hi, I am undiagnosed ADHD, my son is diagnosed and we are the same person. My wife and I have had issues in our marriage for years and have broken up and re-engaged twice, it looks like we are now going to split for a 3rd time and I am devastated, more so because she gave me this book and reading it has made me realise all the things I am guilty of, that I was unaware of, that has both had a massive effect on my wife's mental health and on our marriage. What I can't forgive myself for is the damage I have done to her mentally, even though I was unaware. My question to you all is... Should I let her go so she can go, meet someone else and hopefully enjoy the rest of her life, or do I get a diagnosis, start medication and fight for her? I'm not sure I have much of a chance as she has already said that I have once again ruined our marriage with my behaviour, but if there is a chance do I fight for her or let her go...
Help!!
Submitted by Andy F on 03/28/2024.
I think a diagnosis and treatment are a great idea
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Andy. I'm so sorry to hear of your relationship challenges. I think as you've suggested if you go get a diagnosis, start medication and maybe get an ADHD coach, she will see through your actions that you're sincere about addressing the ADHD symptoms that troubled the relationship most. I don't think you should tie it to the hope of winning her back because she probably has to make that decision for herself and there may or may not be anything you can do to influence it. Having said that, addressing the ADHD in ways she can see will probably give your relationship the best shot in the future if there is another chance down the line. Worst case, addressing the ADHD symptoms that troubled your relationship will be a bonus for ANY future relationship, both romantic and including the one with your son. What a great role model and mentor you could be for him as he tackles similar challenges with his ADHD. I wish my ex husband had had something like that in his life at your son's age. Wishing you the very best. I'm sorry you and your wife are hurting.
What have you been doing
Submitted by adhd32 on
What measures have you taken since the first breakup? She likely feels that you will not commit to change if you haven't made an effort so far. Or if you have made minor changes, did you commit to keeping the momentum going instead of reverting back to maladaptive comfortable patterns? Whether she leaves or stays you can help yourself and your son by getting a diagnosis and treatment.
Help
Submitted by DianeVH on
Andy, you should get a diagnosis, start medication and fight for yourself.
Get a diagnosis, start medication..
Submitted by alphabetdave on
..but do it for you. You've had a lifetime of dealing with ADHD and you need help dealing with it yourself - regardless of whether or not your marriage is salvagable. So get diagnosed, get treatment, connect with other ADHDers (there are lots of peer to peer support groups, in person and online - obviously in person availability depends massively on what's available in your area) for ADHD management tips, shared experience and validation.
If your marriage is salvagable, the above really needs to happen first anyway - otherwise if you try and take on the whole burden of fixing it you're just going to get overwhelmed and blame yourself even more.