I'll try to keep this short. I've been in a long distance relationship with someone for two years (we used to work together years ago before he moved away). He has ADHD. Things were great, and as I realise now from reading this forum, I was the centre of his hyper fixation for the first few months. He then gradually toned it down and although we were still super close and he was always incredibly caring etc, he would take a week or so to initiate contact after the first year, he would get very stressed about all the millions of things he had to do just as part of daily living. But when he did initiate, he was always extremely loving.
6 months ago, I began asking him for reassurance on our relationship, and I initiated contact a lot more. This was due to my own mild OCD issues. This stressed him out and he told me so, that he felt like he was being crowded when he already had a lot on his plate. I tried to back down, I left it days without contact to show him that I validated how he felt and to give him space.
But when we did talk, I felt he had started to emotionally detach. He would tell me that things are fine in his head, but i could see that this was where our relationship started to take a tumble. The more he detached, the more I grasped at straws, trying to remind him of what we had, of things he promised or said, etc and it culminated in a big argument last week where he said I was giving him too much stress, he couldn't cope with being reminded of things he had said, or demands for his attention, I was getting on his nerves with my questions seeking reassurance, etc. I apologised to him and tried to explain my feelings of the situation while saying that I appreciated his honesty that I didn't mean to cause so much stress. He didn't reply (kind of expected), and it's been just over a week now.
I've decided to pull back and give him his much needed space. I have been doing a lot of reading about adhd in the mean time and have now opened my eyes to some of the struggles he must be going through and how my communication approach has likely added to these and stressed him out. I deeply regret not looking into this sooner and trying to understand him and his needs.
I have decided to go "no contact" for a month to work on myself, how I can better communicate and validate others feelings. However, I'm also slightly worried that during this period, with his lack of time awareness and distractions, he will forget about me. He has always been there emotionally when I need him the most, apart from currently avoiding my need for reassurance when I feel he distances himself. I want him to know that I am taking his feelings seriously and want to try to make things work between us. I'm just worried that if I initiate contact soon, and explain this to him, he will see this as an attempt to get into another long emotionally charged deep conversation which he finds difficult, and will back off again. Do I wait for him to contact me... and then act like normal? Try to carry on and rebuild our relationship? If I say nothing, will he forget me? Am I too late in validating his feelings? So many questions, I'm just really struggling right now, he is so worth fighting for.
It's over
Submitted by adhd32 on
Best to work on yourself now. He is demonstrating his commitment to your relationship. Believe him. You are fighting for someone who is not fighting for you.
I would echo adhd32
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
And just assure you that there's likely little you could have done to change this outcome (not if you'd known about ADHD, not if you'd been less communicative, not if you'd validated him more, etc.). Not to generalize, but if you dig through the message boards, you'll find others with a similar experience to yours. Your best bet is to heal and move on.
the same
Submitted by lana25 on
hi; if its any consolation, i also briefly dated a man with severe ADHD and some obvious personality disorder traits, with the similar communication/intimacy issues and the result was the same. this type of situations just have no way of turning out fine. no matter what i did to accommodate him, literally nothing worked. I think we are lucky to find out sooner than later. As Melody said, its enough to get some reading on this board to get a good idea what we were going to get into. If its already exhausting in the beginning, what would the future be like? consider yourself lucky
It ended the same way
Submitted by lana25 on
It's really amazing how the situations with these people are identical to each other. He also stated how I make his life so much more difficult and stressful and that he can not stand it. And after the initial shock of hearing this has passed I thought long and hard about what made me put up with this kind of treatment. To stay where you end up feeling like a chore o a burden. To put effort where non is put from the other part? What is there to rebuild? It became clear to me it has everything to do with low self esteem issues. When you don't feel you deserve better or don't really believe you can get it. I think continuing with this kind of relationship is to put oneself in a complete disadvantage and expose oneself to further mistreatment. Do you forget someone who is really important to you? If he does, it only shows how much he cares. He is not there for you when you most need it in a relationship. And that's what counts. You are taking his feelings seriously but does he takes yours seriously? As far as ADHD is involved Ive noticed it's pretty much a one way street. I asked myself the same questions. But also do I want to leave monitoring my every word so he's not upset or doesn't withdraw? Biting my tongue every time I want to say how o feel? Do I want to live second guessing my every move to not scare him away? Is this the kind of relationship that can make me happy or at least be in peace in the long run? It all felt more like a slow torture before the inevitable death.