I have posted here before. And here I am again. On the merry go round. The roller coaster. Actually I am sitting on my toilet too tired to get up and go lie on the bed and type this. Sorry if that is TMI. I have just ended a totally exhausting few days with ADHD H. We live and work together. We are 100% enmeshed. 13 years now. And I do not see any possible way of ending this, or really of changing it. There are moments when it is a little better. Some leveling out. But whenever there is some kind of big event we must do, the ADHD kicks in and his pathological refusal to do things in a timely manner once again wins the day. And it doesn't matter how I try to manage. Because clearly, clearly, he just WANTS that adrenaline rush of last.minute crazy rushing. Everyone in his orbit is stressed out and burned out because of it but he will not, on pain of death, ever do it differently. If he does it differently, it will be maybe 60%, leaving the other 40% to the last minute. And he will of course get angry and defensive and point to the 60% as if the other 40% doesn't exist. Because it doesn't, for him! He doesn't see it. He literally cannot and will not see what needs to be done until it's the last minute. Then the adrenaline kicks in and he's running around like crazy and getting in my way and trying to control everything and not listening to me. He asks me to make lists, but he won't read them. I've been through this countless times, it's always the same, and I just really want to tear my hair out and cry. I don't believe he can change. It's so embarrassing to me that I know people see me going crazy with him. This isn't how I want to be. Now, in the aftermath of the event, he knows I'm angry and I can tell he's somewhat contrite and aware that he fucked up. Because at the end it was just exhausting for everyone including him to try to get a million details done in one day that should have been done in a week. But the next time this comes up it will be the same.
Maybe all the non-ADHD spouses here should start a commune or something ....
Adrenaline nightmare
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on 04/11/2024.
dealing with the same thing
Submitted by adams on
The hard thing is that it seems like addictive behavior - if it's anything like my home, there seems to be the addiction to the drama and the adrenaline and the excitement.
And, like any addiction, it has a good chance of coming with dishonesty, avoidance, and bad-faith dealings. Lack of cooperation, etc.
I believe that it wasn't an addiction, there would be a sense of appreciation and cooperation and getting-to-it when you try to help the ADHD partner get through the day instead of arguing and avoiding and refusing. Here the ratio is about 2/3 refusing and arguing, and 1/3 appreciating and cooperating.
Is it a real partnership, are we just caretakers at best, or even worse - dealing with addiction nonsense and its bad-faith patterns?
I think that's why in these kinds of cases it might seem same days to be even more exhausting and draining than a caretaking relationship of a partner who needs our help, and certainly doesn't seem like a real partnership to me many or most days.
I can relate
Submitted by Jessica Larkin on
Just a few days I had resolved that we are committed, but today my resentment and anger flared up because he still does things out of step. Yet again, he has no intention of making me upset, he just doesn't understand my view of things. In a way, I have to learn how to put in more effort to keep us stable.
How your partner works is how he adjusted to work. He won't change, I think, mostly because I can't. just like mine - he doesn't mean to make you angry. it sucks we always have to work around them.
You are not alone
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
It's never TMI here :)
But I have re read your entry so many times since you posted. This could have been my entry, we are the same. I hear you and validate you and your pain. I know it. I have it in my bones too along with the frustration. It has changed us.
I cant articulate at this moment (bc im right in the middle of a similar situation currently) but i wanted to leave a comment that let's you know younarent alone in feeling this. It's so hard. I wish I could tell you what to do that will help or magically "fix" the situation for you but im also learning while in it as well. I will say that I'm reading the Melissa Orlov book (in smaller chunks bc it can get quite heavy for me) and it is helping (not fixing) me to see where my role is in it - bc unfortunately, as frustrating as it is, we nons DO play a role of some sorts in these things, it's natural! - and some coping mechanisms, or in some ways, building strength for a potential showdow . Maybe that's not the right wording, but hopefully the theme of my support is coming across.
Basically, you aren't alone in this and I totally get what you're going through. X sending hugs
Hi...I am married to a wife who treats every big event that way.
Submitted by c ur self on
Holidays are the worst...But, I have changed after the nightmare's you describe so well, I have boundaries....I could care less how she handles it...(I respect her right to double up on her adderall and work herself down for hours at the last minutes, it's her way, her friends, our friends, our children, they all know her, i was the only one suffering until I learned to not attempt to change it) I'm done w/ my part when she starts most of the time...Then I leave and get out of her presence, and let her face the consequence's of her choices...I have peace.....And she continue's to slowly learn!...
c