So, I posted here last week about leaving my ADHD husband. I was staying with a friend. After some days I met with my husband to talk at a cafe. It was a very hard conversation just like every other one we've ever had. He was angry and defensive and blaming. But in the end he softened up as he started to understand that he did not have to blow up at me, yet again. And he realized I was serious about leaving.

But my situation for leaving is also extremely bad. I have no savings and all my capital is tied up in a house that I can't really sell. Also, it's a house I don't want to leave. It will take a long time for me to carve some other path for myself and I don't want to be forced into making rash moves. He agreed that I should not, as he said, "be driven from your home." I mean ultimately he knows that he's the problem. 

So he offered to move out. There is another house that he built next door that he can live in. We were going to rent it for more income but at this point we both understand that we can't live together. And that I should not be forced to flee my home, which I have put all my blood sweat and tears into. 

So he moved out. Slowly! But he did it. And now he is next door. Which is maybe too close still but that's what we could do for now.

And in the last few days of him not being here .... oh my GOD. THE HOUSE IS CLEAN. And even more amazingly .... IT STAYS CLEAN!

I swear it is like a Christmas miracle.

There is this sweet, quiet calm. And every time I walk into a room I marvel that .... it is exactly how I left it!!!! Seriously, I could cry with happiness. 

He will never know how his relentless mess impacted me. Also he will never care. Literally the day he left, he left me a bigger mess than usual. In a way it helped me to overcome some of the pain of him leaving.

He has a lot of problems, complex problems. Serious ADHD, PTSD, maybe a little narc in there too. I do believe he loves me in his way, and I have loved him. And I am going to work to remain friends because our lives are still connected. But I have to take this time to really look inward and see how I was part of a co-dependent and toxic dynamic. And I still am. This is my work now. To unravel my own psyche, and to find the strength to move forward without the kind of loving bond with him that I have found so important, and so devastating to live without. When the hell did I become so weak? Why? 

I have been with him for 13 years and I do recognize that I have lost myself rather significantly in this time. He is a very strong personality, very dominating, and though I am also a strong person, I guess I could say that I swam in his wake. I let him lead. I followed. There were reasons for this. 

Anyway, I will not go on and on. Unless it helps someone else think about their own relationship. 

Meanwhile I have accepted an invitation to a business conference out of town. I will be leaving town for the first time in years, and without him. I hope that helps me feel what life can be like outside the relationship.