Submitted by Nevergoodemough on 05/15/2024.
My partner who was already diagnosed as a child has now after 20 years together decided that he is no longer the problem. It's me, it is all me and my high standards and expectations.
This is the new them and they demand to be accepted as is. They are done believing that ADHD is causing our issues and it is now time for me to put in the effort to change and accept.
I am angry, I am bitter, I am frustrated, resentful and furious. Not a slither of my old joyful self is left and they firmly believe they had nothing to do with that.
What's next? Anybody else experienced such a shift?
sympathy
Submitted by honestly on
I haven't experienced this as a sudden shift myself, but have been cast in that way for a long time. I am described as relentlessly negative, critical, and cruel. When tasked by a therapist to substantiate that final claim, all OH could come up with was a conversation we'd had 25 years ago, before we were even married, in which I'd reported something a wee bit harsh someone else had said about an ex of mine who had unceremoniously dumped me. Literally that was it. Not another single example. But I have nonetheless had to change my behavior to suit his skewed version of things, to mitigate this perceived unkindness of mine, including signing off every text with three kisses and smiling more often. This is after I have asked him for a divorce, and he's hauled me back in again. I now have to change to make him happy; my happiness seems irrelevant, so long as he gets his three kisses and smiling. This, alongside all the crises his behavior has caused, and the stress of carrying the extra mental, emotional and practical load, has impacted my sense of self hugely; I'm working with a therapist, piecing myself back together, and putting a plan in place. Meanwhile, my advice is don't let his version of the world become your reality. Remind yourself of who you are, how your friends and family and kids, if you have them, know you. Don't let him define you.
I apologize for the late
Submitted by Nevergoodemough on
I apologize for the late reply, it has been rather tumultuous here. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I've been in therapy for a while now myself and it's such a hard road to be on when there are constant fights and arguments in the background. I'm worried for my child's mental health and what all this dysfunction is communicating to them. I often wonder how this can ever work again.
maybe
Submitted by alphabetdave on
this sounds kind of familiar - hear me out in this comment as it's probably going to sound like I'm taking your partner's side for a while but this isn't my intention!
It's interesting that you mention that he was diagnosed as a child, and that you've been together for 20 years - only mention this because, our understanding and approach to ADHD has changed massively in just the last 10 years alone, let alone his whole life.
In particular something which is much more commonplace now, is an abundance of ADHDers actually sharing their own experience, forming communities online and elsewhere, and actually supporting each other - which in terms of the raw shame that comes with ADHD, often seems to have a much more profound impact than any other treatment available. It doesn't make us more productive necessarily but it makes us feel normal. To go through our whole lives feeling sub standard - at best, having a disorder that we can pin on ourselves as an explanation of our mediocrity- but being mediocre nonetheless, unless we luck out and find just the right combination of meds, therapy and coping strategies to actually manage our lives effectively after putting a hell of a lot of work into improving ourselves. And even after this, the internal chaos isn't necessarily gone
There's something incredibly healing about finding "your people", feeling "normal" for a change - in my own experience it hasn't done anything for my basic ADHD symptoms - i.e. inattention, inconsistency etc, but it does mean I'm a lot more open about them, about how my brain works and what I'm able to do, because I don't feel like I need to pretend to be "normal" all the time. A lot of the narrative within the ADHD community is in fact, that expectations in particular have been unfairly enforced on us our whole lives. But the point here isn't "we're incapable just let us be incapable in peace and clean up our mess for us, thanks", rather we are capable but we've been expected to "be normal" (i.e. neurotypical) and been punished for not being and over a lifetime, this tends to aggravate our symptoms as well as aggravate if not outiright cause the "disorder" in terms of how we relate to others.
Having said all this, pinning the whole fault for the state of the relationship on you is completely unfair. I mention all of the above because it sounds like maybe the sort of thing your husband has been learning that would cause such a massive shift? But he needs to realise that he's not the only victim here. Expectations probably does have a lot to do with his dysfunction, but he brought those expectations into the relationship as well - he probably expected more of himself than he was able to deliver, and gave the impression the sort of issues you're having would never happen, because he genuinely didn't believe they would. He's had a whole lifetime of other people's expectations as well, being unable to meet them and the dysfunction that this causes
At the end of the day regardless of the degree to which he's a victim of expectations here, you are too. I do believe that there's a bit of truth in what he's saying, but only as far as "you can't expect an ADHDer to act like someone who doesn't have ADHD". You just can't. When effectively treated, you're getting a medicated version of ADHD with lots of coping mechanisms to try and build up some ability to function in the world we live in, but it still won't look like a neurotypical approach. In this sense I do think that "ADHD causes our issues" is incorrect, it's a combination of ADHD and expecting ADHDers to essentially "become neurotypical", which is never going to happen.
I know in my own marriage there are similar issues in that, I feel far more accepted by the ADHD community, as a person with ADHD, than I do my wife - and I've seen the way I respond differently, as in more positively to those friends and just want the same kind of warmth in my marriage, and it feels like feeling accepted is a necessary step to get to that.
Despite all of the above though, your needs are important and the whole weight of the relationship shouldn't be on you. I'm not trying to justify that at all or to say you should be doing more, only explain where I think the thought process might be coming from here.
Good God Dan, I have read
Submitted by Nevergoodemough on
Good God Dan, I have read several of your replies on this forum and I can't tell you how impressed I am about the valuable contributions you are adding to this community. So thank you for your insight. I'm not sure if he now has found "his community" but I get what you are saying and I think you are on to something. He most definitely has found support somewhere for his actions and behavior. I have been pretty bad with the acceptance part and will not lie, I do wish he was more neurotypical. But we also have more than 15 years of struggles. That breeds resentment. I am however starting to understand his position in all this better (thanks to the book) but it doesnt change much about how hurt I feel right now. I feel extremely disconnected and he is more and more triggering my anxiety seemingly on purpose. His latest move is to just pack a bag and leave after an argument. Just today he got up and left and didnt return until later in the evening without a note, message or anything that would let me know he is ok or when he will return. It is a manipulation tactic and it is cruel.
I'm currently struggling to still see the man I fell in love with which makes it very hard to think about repair. It all is just sad.
I walked away
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I never experienced the shift because my ex husband maintained that state of denial the entire time. From experience I can tell you that the non-ADHD partner can't alone improve a relationship where negative ADHD symptoms are what's making it dysfunctional. Or rather you CAN for one of you... by doing everything and becoming nothing, your HUSBAND will feel like the relationship is great, but you'll be an angry, exhausted shell of a person. You only get one life... don't give it up for someone who refuses to address a treatable condition and will unapologetically wring you out until there's nothing left. He's asking you to accept an unacceptable relationship so he doesn't have to admit any accountability or do any work to improve it. If you can, I'd highly recommend quietly planning your exit and making your next 20 years the best they can be.
I can imagine ...
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
I can imagine my partner doing that. I mean that has been the default theme anyway, but I can imagine him just kind of flipping completely in order to salvage his ego.
It could be that your partner spoke with someone who doesn't really know the story and that person supported him in thinking that you are just too demanding.
Anyway what's next is that you can continue being demoralized and beaten down and exhausted to the very depths of your being, or you can consider how to have a life on your own.
OMG the EGO! Anything to
Submitted by Nevergoodemough on
OMG the EGO! Anything to protect the ego. I see you know what I am experiencing. I'm sorry you had to go trhough it as well. It's so destructive.
Your joyous self
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It sounds like you need to release your joyous self from this relationship. You need to take back your happiness. I'm sorry you are suffering this.
My ex husband during divorce made the same conclusion as your partner in order to restore his self-esteem. He thinks I and my expectations have been the problem all along and there's nothing wrong with him. I think it's natural in a way. As ADHD, he has his own perceptions for reference. As non, I perceive differently and disagree with him. He has been hard to live with because of his dysfunction.
We were emotionally enmeshed for a long time. It was painful to realize we didn't share a perspective at all, he had just pretended to agree with me on countless things. He wasn't able to be honest with his thoughts and feelings. He maybe should have left me instead of hitch a ride with me and make false pledges that he wouldn't stand by. I was incredibly hurt by this deception. But there it was. We had nothing in common. I'm so glad I'm out.
This last paragraph resonates
Submitted by Nevergoodemough on
This last paragraph resonates with me. I truly feel like we have nothing in common. How is this possible? We have been together half of our lives and I feel like I have nothing in common with this man. We can't even find any interesting topic anymore to talk about. And if I hear one more complaint about me not being able to meet his physical needs.The ask for something you yourself can't deliver is just mind blowing to me.
I do get though the thought process to protect the ego. If one worked so many years on trying to make changes without success, that is devastating to admit. It is way easier then to say my wife is impossible to please.
I have read about your journey on the forum a few times and our situations do feel very much alike. I believe I saw you also have a small child? How is the child coping with everything? Mine adores their dad but I'm not sure why because he almost never initiates any interactions with them.
More conistency as father
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's nice to know these things resonate in others - though I don't wish it for anybody.
I do have children but they're in middle school. Apparently they don't feel their father has let them down. I don't know anything about their life in his house and I don't ask, because I was told children don't want to be questioned or feel double loyalties is a burden. But I think they are deeply devoted to their father. He certainly hasn't ever treated them as he's treated me.
The children seem to do really well six months after he moved out, and a lot better than last year. Headaches and stomachaches have disappeared, one mild clinical depression too, they're doing well in school and spend time with friends and seem to enjoy life. My conclusion is: it's better to leave a destructive marriage, for the children also.
It broke my heart when there were RSD outbursts at night and he'd yell and scare the children and storm out of the house and drive off. I'm glad they will never again witness it.